Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Christmas Piracy


Jon Acuff over at http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/ is my kind of guy. Loves Jesus, but not so much that he can't make fun of us church folk once in awhile - okay, often. But really, if we didn't give people so many reasons, it would be different. I'm just saying - being able to laugh at yourself - and anyone who falls downstairs - is the key to a happy life. With that in mind, I came across this ode to teh ubiquitous Christmas sweater. Lord have mercy, there's no end to these bespangled atrocities. A Christmas sweater is what happens when a box of Christmas ornaments vomits on a blanket. http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/ had a great take on the sweater - enjoy:

I think all women over the age of 40 have a hidden walk-in closet built into their houses that is full of bedazzled, bejeweled, and bespangled (which is a real word…click the link if you don’t believe me) Christmas sweaters. The day after Thanksgiving, they go into their secret chamber of wooly Christmas spirit and arrange the shelves of the closet like an advent calendar of sweatery splendor. They adorn each one proudly, with the majesty and merriment of all the snow angels in the world.

So, here’s the big question: how can you know if your Christmas sweater is truly Christmawesome?

Official Point System of Sweater Christmaweseomeness:

1. If your sweater has a nativity scene = +1 point

2. If your sweater has lights on it = +1 point

3. If your light is for Rudolph’s nose = -1 point

4. If your light is for the star of Bethlehem over your nativity scene = +4 points

5. If your sweater has actual bells and whistles from the Polar Express tied on by pieces of yarn = +2 points

6. If you can hear the bells = -2 points

7. If every time one of the bells rings, you get excited because an angel just got its wings = + 1 point

8. If your sweater has Luke 2 written out on it (the entire chapter) = +3 points

9. If it is KJV = +2 points

10. If it is actually a puff paint sweatshirt, which is really just a Christmas sweater wannabe = -3 points

11. If your sweater was knitted from the wool of a Bethlehemian sheep = +5 points

12. If you have more than 5 snowmen/women on your sweater = +2 points (+1 point for each additional snowperson)

13. If any of your snowmen are inspired by Calvin and Hobbes = +4 points

14. If it is a maternity sweater that reads “Mary is My Homegirl” = +10 points

15. If your sweater has stockings with your kids’ names on it = +1 point for each child

16. If the stockings are your kids’ used socks = -2 points for each sock

17. If it has a 3-D hologram of baby Jesus on it = +3 points

18. If it has candy canes on it = -4 points… I’m going to use this platform of SCL to take a stand against candy canes, a.k.a. carnage canes. Candy canes become sharp and dangerous once licked. It's like putting an ice pick in your mouth and poking it around. I'm sorry, but if I want the flavors of mint and blood to mix in my mouth, I'll go to the dentist. This injustice needs to stop now, so we're starting a boycott of candy canes effective immediately. I think it’s the Southern Baptist roots in me that really wanted to start a boycott. That’s why I started Humans Against Candy Knives, or H.A.C.K. Join the fight on the Facebook group I started.

19. If it has any other kind of cane on it= +2 points. This could be one of the wise men’s canes, sugar canes, or even hurricanes. Just as long as they’re not candy canes.


How did you score?

0-3 points= Sorry to break the news, but you might be a cotton-headed ninny-muggins.
4-7 points= You’re rockin’ a mighty fine piece of holiday merriment, my friend. Just don’t wear your sweater and your light up reindeer antlers at the same time. That would be tacky.
8-10 points= “Then adorn yourself with glory and splendor, and clothe yourself in honor and majesty.” –Job 40:10
11-13 points= Bill Cosby called. He wants his sweater back.
14+ points= You are the embodiment of Christmawesomeness. There are probably three men coming from afar to shower you with gifts as you read this.
Less than zero points= Apparently you love candy canes.

How Christmawesome are your Christmas sweaters? Please post links in the comments section to a picture of you sporting your sweater.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

White Elephant Gifts

Next to "Why don't we carpool!" no phrase strikes more fear & loathing in my heart than "I know! Let's do a White elephant" gift exchange. I am not one that fortune smiles upon and I usually end up with the pot holder your son made for you instead of the Yankee candle that smells like Santa. I'm not that competitive, but apparently I am greedy, petty and jealous based on my reaction.

There's no polite way to get out of it really. Honestly, no matter how valid your reason, you'll look like Scrooge. But I have discovered a way to enjoy the game. When your Sunday School teacher, Small Group Leader or Ladies Missionary Society leader invites you, this is how to play. You'll NEVER be invited to participate again.


1. Booze it up. Nothing stops a Baptist party faster than alcohol, or Satan Water as I've been told the Southern Baptists like to call it. Better still, take one out of that six pack and tell them "I owe you one."

2. A wallet. Not a new wallet. One of the guests wallets'. You gotta be quick, but while their back is turned, slip into their purse, grab that wallet & drop it a gift bag. Then, enjoy the awkwardness of "Wait, what? is that my wallet?" This is most effective if you snag the bag of the hyper-pious church lady who is directing the game and insisting that this is FUN!

3. Goldfish - A real goldfish - not the snack. Where's the fun in that? Besides, poodles are too hard to wrap.

4. Underwear - The less appropriate the better.

5. All your (or your really zealous neighbor's) leftover campaign stuff. Yard signs, bumper stickers...it's all good. In a church setting, this works best if it's pro-Democrat, but either way, you're guaranteed to make someone feel awkward.

I'm sure there are others, but that should get you started. Have fun!

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Brain Candy

Saw this on VH1 last night - pure cotton candy for your ears. Maybe you'd like to put cotton candy in your ears when you hear it, but I like it. It's one of the few music videos that I think I could manage the dance moves. Lots of walking in a straight line, pointing, hand gestures...I do that every day! Who knows, maybe one of them saw me tell the story of the mama raccoon who built a nest in our attic then one night dug a hole through the ceiling and the baby fell through on to the floor of the den. It's a great story with lots of hand gestures, walking and if the story is going well, even running. What? It could have happened. Anyway, just like cotton candy, I don't think I could take a steady diet or too much at once, but it's fun for a treat. Enjoy.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

The End is near

Okay, let me begin by saying I love Jesus. I really do. I work for him on a daily basis. Literally - I work at a church. I even went to - cue scary music - Bible college. duh duh duh! However, I don't consider myself a church lady. I don't think Hurricane Katrina was God's judgement on the city of New Orleans or the state of Louisiana. Good grief - you've already got Britney and her clan - how cruel do you think God is? I don't think Barack Obama is the Anti-Christ any more than I thought John Mc Cain was our Saviour.

Over the years, I have seen some stange stuff - people putting their car keys and wedding rings in an offering plate... a woman that smashed her porcelain doll collection because they were like idols... a baptistry that overflowed when a woman of considerable girth stepped into the water...I once even saw two guys synchronized swimming in the baptistry.

But this, this is the craziest "church thing" I have ever seen. Seriously. What is wrong with this child? More importantly, what is wrong with the adults here? Are you kidding me? I'm all about letting little Jimmy get up there and toss out a mangled chrus of "Jesus Loves Me", but this, this is snake handlin' crazy to me. Dear Lord baby Jesus help these people. Amen.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Letters to Santa

Found these on Scuba.com when googling "Funny Letters to Santa" for a project at work. Thought they were hilarious. Enjoy.

deer santa:

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I
send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa


Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa


Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa


Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the craps and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
Santa


Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making oys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I give
them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the butts of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Santa


Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping
your house.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't
work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa



Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your butt
kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

Friday, November 21, 2008

I Like Kittens

Dr. Toni over at http://healthwise-everythinghealth.blogspot.com had this posted on her blog and it was too good not to steal. The church my family was part of when I was growing up still had a mindset like this - in the 80's. Not everyone, but some, thought my parents wasted their money sending me to University. Why bother? My goal should have been just to get married - that was my purpose. Don't get me wrong - I am happily married for 18 years to a wonderful man & I have two great kids. They're teenagers and I still like them. And, I consider my solid marriage and two normal (as normal as teens ever are) daughters the best and most important things I have accomplished. Wow. This started out as a funny post - sorry for bringing down the room.

Enjoy.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

So I don't have to buy you a gift now, right?


From CNN.com, comes news about the newest attack on Christmas. Good Lord people. Oops. I said Lord. Sorry to impose my faith on you. But on the other hand, if you're this put off by Christmas, I don't need to buy you a gift, right?
Thanks for planting that "seed of rational thought". Wow, you're right, it's already working!
Group's new Christmas message: Be good, not godly


WASHINGTON (AP) -- You better watch out. There is a new combatant in the Christmas wars.

Ads proclaiming, "Why believe in a god? Just be good for goodness' sake," will appear on Washington buses starting next week and running through December.

The American Humanist Association unveiled the provocative $40,000 holiday ad campaign Tuesday.

In lifting lyrics from "Santa Claus is Coming to Town," the Washington-based group is wading into what has become a perennial debate over commercialism, religion in the public square and the meaning of Christmas.

"We are trying to reach our audience, and sometimes in order to reach an audience, everybody has to hear you," said Fred Edwords, spokesman for the humanist group.

"Our reason for doing it during the holidays is there are an awful lot of agnostics, atheists and other types of nontheists who feel a little alone during the holidays because of its association with traditional religion."

To that end, the ads and posters will include a link to a Web site that will seek to connect and organize like-minded thinkers in the D.C. area, Edwords said.

Edwords said the purpose isn't to argue that God doesn't exist or change minds about a deity, although "we are trying to plant a seed of rational thought and critical thinking and questioning in people's minds."

The group defines humanism as "a progressive philosophy of life that, without theism, affirms our responsibility to lead ethical lives of value to self and humanity."

Last month, the British Humanist Association caused a ruckus announcing a similar campaign on London buses with the message: "There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life."

In Washington, the humanists' campaign comes as conservative Christian groups gear up their efforts to keep Christ in Christmas. In the past five years, groups such as the American Family Association and the Catholic League have criticized or threatened boycotts of retailers who use generic "holiday" greetings.

In mid-October, the American Family Association started selling buttons that say "It's OK to say Merry Christmas." The humanists' entry into the marketplace of ideas did not impress AFA president Tim Wildmon.

"It's a stupid ad," he said. "How do we define 'good' if we don't believe in God? God in his word, the Bible, tells us what's good and bad and right and wrong. If we are each ourselves defining what's good, it's going to be a crazy world."

Also on Tuesday, the Liberty Counsel, a conservative Christian legal group based in Orlando, Florida, launched its sixth annual "Friend or Foe Christmas Campaign." Liberty Counsel has intervened in disputes over nativity scenes and government bans on Christmas decorations, among other things.

"It's the ultimate grinch to say there is no God at a time when millions of people around the world celebrate the birth of Christ," said Mathew Staver, the group's chairman and dean of the Liberty University School of Law. "Certainly, they have the right to believe what they want, but this is insulting."

Best-selling books by authors such as Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens have fueled interest in "the new atheism" -- a more in-your-face argument against God's existence.

Yet few Americans describe themselves as atheist or agnostic; a Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life poll from earlier this year found 92 percent of Americans believe in God.

There was no debate at the Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority over whether to take the ad. Spokeswoman Lisa Farbstein said the agency accepts ads that aren't obscene or pornographic.


Copyright 2008 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Interesting Find

Miss Cellaneous posted this on her blog, (http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/18626) and I thought it was interesting. Makes me feel kinda boring. The sphere ring is pretty cool, so is the Remember ring, but personally, I think the DNA ring is nasty. Somehow, wearing my hubby's DNA on my hand is a little Silence of the Lambs. "It wears the ring on it's hand or else it gets the hose!"

Anyway, enjoy.

Once upon a time, wedding bands were plain gold, or more likely gold plated. Their value was in the symbolism. “Look, I’m married!” or “Forget him; he’s married.” Today many who tie the know want something that also symbolizes their individual styles, or rings to set this pair apart from other couples. These individualistic rings not only tell you that someone is married, they can often tell you who they are married to, if you can find the other unique ring in the crowd.


Binary Rings
With a binary ring, you can engrave a coded message of your choice, up to 20 characters. They will be rendered in up to five lines of binary code, perfect for the romantically-inclined computer geek!


Decoder Rings
Cory Doctorow of Boing Boing is getting a decoder ring to use as a wedding ring. This one has three rotating bands that can be lined up to decode secret messages. He’s now looking for a proper code.



Intertwined Rings
Rings that intertwine with each other are quite symbolic. They look great together, but I don’t know how comfortable they would be to wear apart.
Nuts and Bolt Rings
Kiley Granberg designed a wedding ring set as a nut and bolt. Perfect for the mechanically-minded couple. This is symbolic on more than one level, if you know what I mean.


Ethernet Rings
Taking the connectivity idea a little further, Jana Brevick designed Cat-5 Rings that connect with each other by ethernet connectors. They are available at her Etsy store.


USB Rings
Jennifer Flume developed the USB Flash Drive Swarovski Crystal Engagement Ring. The two wearers can connect the rings and share data! This is a concept project only.


Sphere Rings
It would be cool to have a ring that you could play with. This sphere ring made by acanthusleaf is modeled on a historical pattern that has four rings hinged at different points. Update: Laurie Cavanaugh, who made this ring, has them available at the Mad Jeweler’s Workshop.


Remember Rings
There are even rings with embedded technology. The Remember Ring will remind you of your anniversary by getting hotter! Too bad it’s only a concept and not available for sale… yet.


Coin Rings
Make your own wedding rings is an individual statement, and will save money, too! You can make rings out of coins, but keep in mind that it is illegal to deface US currency. Still, not all coins are US currency. Watch a video of a similar process here.


Bone Rings
What could be more individual than your own DNA? Scientists and artists have collaborated to make rings out of the wearer’s bone tissue. The tissue is taken from a wisdom tooth and grown on a scaffold in the laboratory. However, the original company website is no longer active.


Fingerprint Rings
Just yesterday, I saw a fingerprint ring (which inspired this post). This guarantees that you’ll never see anyone else with exactly the same ring! Fingerprint rings are available in many styles. Rings by Gerd Rothmann feature a fingerprint that resembles a charm on top. Jeweler Andrew English does commissioned wedding rings with the fingerprint inside or outside.

Friday, October 24, 2008

On the Other Hand

Okay, last post was what I love, let's switch to what I'm tired of...

Stupid commercials. I hate the new Routon car commercials with Brooke Shields. They aren't clever - they're just stupid.

People who take up two parking spots for their car. If you're that worried, get a cheaper car or park further away. Please.

Politics. I can't wait for this election to be over. The nasty campaigning on both sides is out of control.

Laziness. I have no patience for you if you are lazy.

People who vote based on party or race. If you're voting for McCain because he's Republican or Obama because he's black, you're an idiot. Vote based on what you believe and what they stand for. Pay attention.

People who don't discipline their kids and expect the rest of us to be fine with it when their little cloven hooves go running past and over us. It's not cute. It's not funny now and it won't be funny in 10 years when they get sent to juvy.

Viagra commercials. Maybe some day when I'm a dusty old cougar and need to get a little sumthin' sumthin' I won't find it so offensive, but today, right now, eewww. And, not for nothing, I'm sure Elvis would be thrilled to see what you've done with Viva Las Vegas. Not bad enough he's buried in the backyard like a family pet, now look what you've done.

People who complain about the current economy but haven't changed their lifestyle. We're in this mess because we were greedy and made bad decisions. I realize that's not true for everyone, but for most of us, it is. Grow up, suck it up, and take responsibility for your own actions.

Okay, enough for now. It's actually been a nice day off, relaxing, reading, watching some cheesy old horror movies, but I had a conversation with my daughter and it made me think. She mentioned a conversation she had with a friend who has more disposable income than most of my working adult friends, and although I love that friend of hers, she needs a good spanking.

On that happy note, what are you tired of?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Mmmm

As I type, I'm sitting in my bed eating Ritz crackers and drinking a glass of white wine as I watch TV. My husband is still at work - he had counseling session with a couple that 's struggling and then stuck around to help a friend with a project, he's THAT good of a guy.

Ritz crackers are just about my favorite snack - second only to hot buttered toast. mmm. Toast. Great, now I want toast, but not enough to get out of bed. So, my blog tonight will be filled with deep thoughts - what are my favorite things? Because inquiring minds want to know, right?

Hmm, let's see...
Toast
Ritz
The really good feeling you get when you pull up your socks or take off nylons/panty hose
My mom's homemade bread - okay, I'm four items in and 3 of the 4 are food
80's music - I'm a sucker for Tears For Fears, the Police, The Cars, old Prince, Howard Jones, Elvis Costello...big hair & shoulder pads - bring it on
My husbands' lame jokes.
Lists. I love lists. They make me happy.
I like being Canadian. We just had a federal election. Any of my American friends know that? Probably not. But, that's okay, I'm Canadian, so I'll still be your friend. : )
I like when my dog Sophie sleeps next to me. I admit I'm the one who made thought my sister was ridiculous about her dog, and now I am the same way.
Washing my hands - I admit that I am obsessive - people germs, actually stranger germs - freak me out. I wash my hands about 10-15 times a day - not totally OCD, but I think they'd be impressed by my efforts.
Dwight Shrute - Rainn Wilson's character on the Office makes me LAUGH.
List of the Day. Awesome. Some of it's a little saucy for my taste, but most of it makes me laugh my rear off. AND it's a list. God bless you Cary.

I can't focus enough to write anything else. What makes you happy?

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Random 80's Music of the Day

It's been a hectic/stressful couple of weeks, so I've been rolling through my "comfort music" to mellow out. Usually that means James Taylor, who my husband refers to as my "audio prozac" for his abilty to stop me dead in the midst of an insane rant. Lately though, I've been perusing my 80's soundtracks. They aren't all music greats or timeless classics, some of them are more like Twinkies. Junk food for your ears. No nutrional value, but still delicious. Please to enjoy.

A little Glass Tiger


Elvis Costello


Howard Jones



Corey Hart - not the one who used to be married to Pink


And what 80's list would be complete without a little Depeche Mode?

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

30 Day Sex Challenge

What do you think?

30-Day Sex Challenge
This sermon series had unexpected benefits.
by Sam O'Neal

There was no excuse for saying no: the pastor ordered his parishioners to have sex. Lots of sex.

When the staff at Relevant Church in Tampa, Florida, wanted to conduct a sermon series on relationships, they chose to focus on sex. The 30-Day Sex Challenge dared married couples to hop between the sheets—and non-marrieds to abstain—every day for a month.

Some church members, especially wives, reacted with skepticism. "At first the women thought this was all about sex," said lead pastor Paul Wirth, but he noted that most came around quickly. "This challenge no longer allowed men to come home from work and not help out around the house, not help out with the kids, and not meet his wife's needs—and then expect there to be fireworks in the bedroom," Wirth added.

But husbands, too, benefited from the challenge in ways that were more than physical. "My wife and I discovered that [the challenge] opens the door for communication into every aspect of our lives," one man said, "and that is just what we needed."

And speaking of benefits, the media coverage surrounding Relevant's challenge helped increase attendance by 15 percent.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Can't Wait

I can't wait to see this movie. The trailer is only moderately funny but I adore Ricky Gervais. It's okay if you don't who he is - silly Americans! We can still be friends, I'll just continue to think of myself as slightly superior to you. >: ) You do know his work - hello? The Office...Extras... Anyhoo - he's brilliant. Even if it's only "okay" it's still worth it to me. Enjoy.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Obama's Been Rick Rolled

I didn't create it, it isn't a political statement, but it is darn funny. At least to me, and this is my blog, dang it!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Top Ten Reason to Get Out of Bed.

Let me think...why do I get out of bed...

10. I have to go to work. Evil plans don't hatch themselves.

9. Coco has to go out and will not stop licking my face/Sophie has to go out and won't stop "talking" to me. Roy won't get up and do it.

8. Can't find the remote.

7. Roy's freakishly loud snoring is redirecting air traffic.

6. I have to pee.

5. Dough in any form...donuts, toast, pancakes, french toast, muffins, soufflé...okay soufleé isn't technically dough, but it's still worth getting up for.

4. One of my daughters are lying in a pool of their own sick. And they might drown in it. And the smell has drifted to my room. And it's on the carpet - or if you're like my sister, on the door handle...

3. Alien abduction.

2. Denzel needs me. Doesn't really matter why.

1. Birth Control. Lots and lots of birth control.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Tagged by TBM

Seven things about me...

1. I am just as proud to be a Canadian as you are to be American.

2. I am obsessed with BBC America.

3. I can tie a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue.

4. Sarah's Patio Red from Chrysalis is currently my favorite wine.

5. I grew up Catholic and got to be on the TV show Mass for Shut-ins when I was 10.

6. My Dad was one of the funniest and smartest men ever - he gave up everything to be a teenage dad. He's still my hero.

7. I don't really like "store-bought" cookies, only homemade. The only exception is Oreo - mmmm, Oreo's.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Insults of the Day



In the past 2 weeks I have been told, overheard or been told of the following:


Are you bringing your friend? Yeah you should so you won't hang around with us.

(My daughter's friend, who needs her filter fixed, to another girl in the Youth Group)

You have the body of a 12 year old boy. Not in an attractive way. (Said to my friend P - a triathlete - by a male co-worker. So, there is a way a 12 year boy is attractive to you? ewww)

Your boobs really are too big. They're real? (Seriously? Yes they're real. One word if you paid for boobs and they look like mine - MALPRACTICE.)

Wow, you really have put on weight.

Yeah, the music at church doesn't really work for me. What's the point of it really? No offense.
(You know I'm on the Arts team right? Why do people think it's okay to say whatever they want if they say "no offense" first? If that makes it okay, then just let me say your breath smells like a dirty diaper. No offense.)

There's more, but I've buried them so I can function without my latent Tourette's taking over.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I'm Baaack.



K, so I spent last week in the Bahamas. Sounds glamorous, maybe exotic. Hold it. This was no vacation- it was a service project/missions trip through my church. For several reasons which cannot be listed since the internet is not as anonymous as some like to think, : ) - let it be sufficient to say it was a full week, and leave it at that. Rough start to the trip - American Airlines lost our bags, one of the leaders on the other team joining us had a grand mal seizure, a second leader got the flu and a body washed up on shore in front of the hotel. This was the first 24 hours. Welcome to the Bahamas mon. Things improved significantly after that - no more corpses, autopsy reports - (one of the girls on the other team thought it would be a good idea to give John Doe mouth-to-mouth, despite the fact he'd been in the water for a couple of days...). The biggest hurdle for us after that was the breath-taking heat. Don't get me wrong, I live in Virginia, it gets hot here. But the Bahamas in August has the climatic equivalent to a dryer full of towels halfway through the cycle. Seriously. Next time you - or whoever you con into it - does a load of laundry, open the dryer when the towels have been tumbling for about 20 minutes and take a nice deep breath. That hot, wet, suffocating feeling is how the Bhamas feel this time of year. I haven't walked around with underwear that soggy since before I was potty trained. Don't get me wrong - Nassau is a beautiful place and New Providence is a beautiful island. The people are warm and friendly, very gracious hosts. It's just HOT this time of year (It's hurricane season) - last Thursday was 111 when you factor in the heat index, and dang it, if you were there you'd count it too.

All that to say, it's good to be home. I'm grateful for my friends who were kind enough to move into my house and take care of my daughters, my pool and my dogs, and I'm really grateful for the AC in my house and my car. And since in the Bahamas gas is over $6 & milk is over $8 a gallon - I'll stop complaining about prices - at least for a little while. Until I forget & start to take things for granted again.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Movie Franchises that Need to End

This list is from EW - some I agree with more than others(Austin Powers), some I've never even seen the first installment (American Pie, Starship Troopers). The commentary is theirs - my comments are after in parentheses.
The complete list is at http://www.ew.com/ew/gallery/0,,20215564,00.html


NATIONAL LAMPOON
If your franchise is using Paris Hilton as a last resort, you know its time to put it to bed (and, no, not Hilton's bed). Though National Lampoon started out on a good foot (hello, National Lampoon's Vacation and Animal House!), once Girls of National Lampoon's Strip Poker was released, we realized the franchise was ready to fold.
(Anything Paris Hilton is attached to - I want no part. I don't have all the necessary shots. You get free herpes with every DVD purchased.)



FRIDAY THE 13TH
Okay, so 2009's Friday the 13th is a remake and not necessarily part of the slasher franchise. Still, that doesn't excuse the slew of Jason films — 11 in total! — that somehow found their way onto the big screen. We were happy to visit Camp Crystal Lake just the once, thankyouverymuch.
(At the risk of sounding like a purist, why do we feel compelled to re-make horror classics? Psycho, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Carrie... The first Friday the 13th was great 'cause we didn't know any better, AND it had a sassy Kevin Bacon. Why bother remake it?)



THE MUMMY
We dug the Brendan Fraser-Rachel Weisz action film the first time around, but when it comes to the third film — in theatres Aug. 1, eight long years after the second installment — we think this mummy should have stayed in its tomb.
(Love the Mummy series - first one was definately the best)



AMERICAN PIE
The dirty high school comedy rightly cooked up legions of teenage fans, thanks to its illicit appeal and, of course, the always reliable Eugene Levy. But after two sequels, and a string of terrible straight-to-DVD flicks starring the ever-annoying Stifler family, we suddenly had a second reason to dread band camp.
(Never saw it. Feel a little self-righteous about that)


BRING IT ON
I said, Brr! It's cold in here! Must be our reaction to the never-ending Bring It On films! The three installments following the original 2000 film were so terrible, not even a squad of spirit fingers could save the franchise.
(Never saw it - my kids like them - I think)


AUSTIN POWERS
Somewhere between Mr. Bigglesworth and Alotta Fagina, we fell in love with Mike Myers' James Bond spoof. But the comedian's shtick became all too predictable with its two sequels. Even before Goldmember, the International Man of Mystery was starting to make us bored, baby.
(Could have done without Fat Bastard & the guy eating his own skin. Lets hope The Love Guru 2 never sees the light of day)


SAW
Once Dr. Lawrence Gordon (Cary Elwes) began cutting his own foot off with a rusty saw, we were done. And yet, a fifth installment is on its way into multiplexes.
(My - otherwise perfectly normal - friend Angela loves these. Ugh.)


INDIANA JONES
Sure, the first three Indy flicks were solid enough to be considered classics, but we'd rather stand in a pit of snakes than see this year's humdrum Kingdom of the Crystal Skull again. Too bad George Lucas didn't take note — he's said he hopes to release a fifth film. But if Indy's dad, played by Sean Connery, isn't going to make any more appearances, we'll just stick to Celebrity Jeopardy.
(Kingdom was crap - aliens? Seriously?)


SCARY/EPIC/SUPERHERO/DATE MOVIE
None of these tasteless, unfunny flicks even come close to holding a candle to 1980's Airplane, the prime example of a spoof done right. And at least the Airplane folks had the good sense to make only one terrible sequel.
(I really agree with this one. These movies are useless. Even when if I'm home with the flu and too sick to move, I'll muster the strength to at least roll over on the remote. CNN is funnier.)


THE LAND BEFORE TIME
Baby dinosaur Littlefoot found the leaf and found his mother. All was well. Now, if only the animated kidflick series went extinct so we wouldn't have to endure its 12 sequels.
(I'm sorry, 12 friggin' sequels? Real dinosaurs didn't live this long. Where's an ice age when you need one?)

I'd add the Star Wars franchise to this list, but some of the Star Wars geeks know where I live, and if they ever come out of their mom's basements, I'm in trouble.

Like I said, the rest of the list is at EW.com - feel free to stop by.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Deadliest Dream




I could not fall asleep the other night and was determined not to take Ambien again because even though they tell me it isn't addictive I don't believe them. I know my personality. I am addicted to the TV show Intervention about people with addictions. Don't tell me I can't be addicted to something. I'll take it as a challenge.

Anyway, as I tossed as turned - actually sighed and rolled would be a more accurate description - I could not get my mind to stop. I could not turn it off. I ended my night with the season finale of Dealiest Catch. I am not a Sex and the City gal - I'm a Deadliest Catch woman. Give me Edgar Hansen in rain gear over SJP in Prada any day. Earlier the family had watched what may be the worst movie available to the public, Grizzly Park - of course you've never heard of it - the actors in the movie don't put it on their resumé. I've seen better acting on YoGabbaGabba. One of the last scenes is a tarty little thing being attacked by a grizzly and seeeing her silicone breast implant sail through the air in slow motion. Yeah. It was THAT good. My husband is forbidden to choose movies ever again. My daughter wanted something scary - and in his defense, that's tricky to find for a 12 year old who isn't as brave - or old - as she'd like to think she is. There's either naked people running around or f-bombs in every sentence. Other than the "inside of a boob shot" there wasn't a lot of that in this movie. Anyway, my mind is wandering - that stupid movie, summer school, the boy in my daughter's class who she has known for 6 years but is pretending he doesn't know her because she goes to church, the mission trip we leave on in a week and a half, my grandmother's deteriorating health, finances, and the fact I have developed itchy palms and the soles of my feet are crawling for no apparent reason.

Anyway, I finally fall asleep, and I am jolted awake horror movie style to a clap of thunder so loud I may have peed. Just a little. Wow. Lightening so bright I could read the clock across the room. So bright I could read if it lasted long enough. Toss toss toss, sigh sigh sigh, back to sleep. More thunder. Aaggghh. Awake.Back to sleep, itchy hands. Not quite back to sleep...barking dog. Back to sleep - Deadliest Catch.

I dreamed I was madly in love with - and he with me - Edgar Hansen. If that's not weird enough, his brother Sig is in love with me. (In the dream obviously - both are happily married from what I hear. Not that I hear a lot, seeing I don't know them...anyway...awkward). I'm talking rolling around on the beach - on rocks, 'cause it's Alaska - love. Uncomfortable yet? I am. I tear myself away from Sig because "I love Edgar, I love Edgar I tell you, this isn't right!" and run to Edgar who is waiting and forgives me for kissing his (kinda crazy eyed, slightly unstable in my opinion) older brother. Um, what?

I feel it's important to note I didn't go to bed intoxicated, I did not eat Indian food, nor is there a gas leak - I am aware of - in my room. I am also the least romantic woman alive. Anyway, just thought I'd share a window into my insanity, so later, when I really do snap, you'll be able to testify, "Well your Honor, there was this one time she talked about kissing a Norweigan crab fisherman. Does that help?"

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Cheesy 80's memories of the Day

Back in the day - which was a Wednesday by the way - (thank you Dane Cook) - I loved these songs. Don't judge me - once upon a time you were 17 too - are you proud of all your choices? I didn't think so. I'm so upset, I need to go make my hair bigger (thank you Amy Poehler).

Some of them aren't great songs & they're all victims of the 80's video style (in the best way) but I have memories tied to them that make them good songs by default. Enjoy - or endure - whatever!

Eurythmics "Sweet Dreams" - my favorite song of the decade (at least for today) is protected so I couldn't post it - I'd sing it for you instead, but that's just not fair to any of us is it?

Paul Young - Every Time You Go Away


Billy Idol - White Wedding


Big Country - In a Big Country


Sweet baby James! Have you seen Pete Byrne lately? He's a she now. Frightening transformation even on the very forgiving Tranny Scale.


Totally under-rated Queen song - Somebody to Love. Besides, Freddy mercury in that white unitard makes me smile. I wish had that kind of self-confidence.



Thompson Twins - Hold Me Now
Who knew they weren't really twins? Did not see that coming.


There's 1000 more, but I'll not bore you any longer. I'm off to untangle the banana clip from my hair.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I think this guy used to live in my car...


My kids are at Camp this week. My house is QUIET. It's nice. Don't get me wrong - I love my daughters, they are good girls and we have a lot of fun together, but a week away...absence makes the heart grow fonder - that's all I'm saying.

I have the TV on or I listen to my iPod while I clean so it's not totally quiet, but mostly I have noticed that my house is REALLY CLEAN. I mean showroom clean. I cleaned this weekend, AND MY HOUSE STILL LOOKS GOOD. I could sell it tomorrow. Of course I don't include their bedrooms in this description. If furniture could have a flu virus, I would understand the way Sarah's room looks. To my untrained eye it appears that her dresser, desk, and bed have vomited their contents onto her floor. The closet is tidy. There is one lonely skirt on a hanger and a single furry pink slipper on the floor. Ceilidh's room is better - it appears her room just has a hangover, but Sarah...sweet baby james, that ain't right.

At least it's limited to their rooms now. When my girls were little, based on the smell and level of trash in my car, I'm pretty sure there was a homeless guy living in the back seat. I never actually saw him, but the evidence was there. I mean my kids swore they didn't leave the PBJ stuck to the back of the seat, or step on the not-quite-empty juice box and spray it all over the roof of the car. They didn't dump the fries on the floor to leave them sticking up like bamboo spears at the bottom of a Viet Cong pit. They had no idea whose shoe, sock, giraffe, lego, Mr. Potato Head eye or Barbie leg was jammed between the seats. Now that they're teens, I think I've got a hooker. Clothes, lip gloss, occasionally there's money... again - haven't seen her, but what else could it be?

Anyway, I think I'm going to go revel in my tidy nest. The circus comes back into town on Friday.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

And then the BE-ARR li-ked the HONE- Y

One of the funniest men alive is Gerry Dee. I honestly laughed until I had tears running down my face when I first heard his stuff. He's Canandian - you're welcome.



Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Ahhhh.

My out of town guests ( hubby's brother and his family - think FLDS minus the child brides) left at 4;30 Saturday morning. So, I kicked my butt to get my Saturday chores done, then took a couple of hours to sit by the pool and read. I finished Middlesex. Quite the book I must say.

Anyway, here's the backyard. Take a mental health break, listen to the waterfall, smell the fresh cut grass (unless you have allergies, in which case go take a benadryl and come back)...















Thursday, June 19, 2008

Charlie the Unicorn

I know this has been around for awhile, but I came across it again the other day. It still makes me laugh.
Shun the unbeliever. Shuuuunnnnah.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Happy Father's Day

This was our Father's Day tribute at church last year. See - not all churches and church people are evil, and judgemental! Some of us are just crazy.




That's my backyard. Mike Z. (graphics guy) & Christian G. (Youth Pastor)
fairoakschurch.org
thanks to barats and baretta for the original idea

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Ain't no Sunshine

I've been sitting in my backyard - WHICH I LOVE - on my day off listening to Big100.3. I was floating in the pool and know better than to tempt fate and listen to my hubby's ipod while I'm bobbing around. It won't end well. End of discussion.

The past couple of weeks have been very busy - new sermon series at church, my daughters 15th birthday, choir competions, field trips,concerts,the storms that knocked out the power for 3 days...


Anyhoo, they had a great playlist this afternoon - kind of random in some ways, but fun. David Bowie, Carole King, Heart, Journey & Cheap Trick (the last three are touring together this summer). Since my kids control the CD player in the car - before you think I'm a wimp for letting them have their way, keep in mind it lets me keep an ear out for who and what they are filling their heads with - I forget how much good music is NOT on the top 40 staion I'm usually stuck listening to.

So, in honor of Big 100's playlist from today & all the good music I've ignored, here's a list of some of my favorites from todays' playlist, in no particular order. Some of them aren't even great songs but I have great memories attached to them:

James Taylor - Carolina on My Mind - James Taylor is audio prozac for me - he relaxes me. This song reminds me of my daughter - I had this CD in the car when she was little and we used to sing along.

Jimi Hendrix - Foxy - Always see Dana Carvey in Wayne's world when I hear this song - not sure that's what Jimi had in mind, but still funny to me. Also reminds me of my younger daughter Sarah - she has Carvey's little twitchy moves down.

Cheap Trick - I Want You to Want Me - Elementary School. Bruce Mac Neil. Sigh.

Led Zeppelin - Black Dog - Robert Plant. One of my first Rock Star crushes even though he was 100 years older than me

Queen - Killer Queen. Today they are my favorite band. I'm not a super fan - I don't know where they were all born or who Freddy Mercury's orthodontist was (or should have been), but they are an amazing group of musicians

Tom Petty - Free Fallin' - how do you not love this song? Plus, Petty gives hope to band geeks all over the world - have you seen his wife?

Beatles - Obla di Obla da - Not even close to being spelled right, but it's my new favorite Beatles song. I know, it's no Yesterday or Hey Jude, but it makes me happy, and this is my blog and the song makes me happy so there.

Bill Withers - Ain't No Sunshine - I am the least romantic woman alive, but this is my idea of a beautiful, romantic song - he bares his heart without stupid lyrics like Fergie's "miss you like a child misses their blanket". Give me "this house ain't a home any time she goes away" any day.

CCR - Have You Ever Seen the Rain - CCR reminds me of my dad. He was cool.

Springsteen - I'm on Fire - Not his best song according to hard core fans, but whatever - I'm not from Jersey.

Steve Miller - STILL don't know what the the crap a "pompatus of love" is, but love the song.

Wild Cherry - Play That Funky Music - Reminds me of wedding receptions when all the whitey's in the room hear this, take it as a challenge, pound down the Chardonnay and get up to prove every stereotype ever tossed out about us and our dancing.

There's more, but you've been a good sport to stick with it this long. Thanks for indulging me.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Tagged


I chose to be tagged by Audra - the only Mom I know more sarcastic than I am. We've never met, but I enjoy her blog - The Tale of the Shrinking Boobies http://shrinkingboobies.blogspot.com/. It was named for her journey from a J cup - you heard me - to a DD. Sweet Lord. She's past it, but kept the title. Anyhoo - she tagged all her regulars and lurkers, and since I am emotionally incapable of passing up a list...

Tagged

1. What was I doing ten years ago?

I moved to Long Island where I thought I would live out my days. Roy had taken on the job of Youth Pastor & was to lead the Worship Team at a church in Westbury. Ceilidh was starting Kindergarten and I was a stay at home mom to Sarah. It was also the year I met my friend Brenda. My life was good. God has a sense of humor.

5 things on my to - do list

1. Help Ceilidh study for her French exam. I didn't grow up in Canada for nothing people.
2. Update my TIVO Season passes. I'm bored with some of my shows.
3. Figure out how to get Ceilidh's phone off it's CAR KIT setting so I can actually reach her when I need to.
4. Work out the rest of this months' bills with my hubby. Drink a lot of wine. This is not two seperate "to do's".
5. Clean out fridge and freezer. Stupid, freaking 3 day power outage. I have mystery melts I could not begin to explain or identify.

3. Snacks I enjoy?
Toast, popcorn, chips & salsa, the Auntie Anne's pretzels my friend Phil makes - anything salty

4. Things I Would Do If I Were A Billionaire

Stop talking to all you poor people. Just kidding. Sorta. Some of you are on the bubble as it is.

I would give a lot of money to my church - it does a LOT of good and I know they would put it to good use.

Cancer research. Donate. Not try to cure it myself.

Pay off all my brothers and sisters mortgages.

Buy my sister Tanya a car.

Put a lot away for my girls' college/weddings/grandkids.

Pay off some my friends mortgages. Some of them work for churches - lets be honest -there's a salary cap. We didn't get into this biz for the money. : )

Travel travel travel

Open a bookstore in England and not care if it actually made money. Just sit in my shop surrounded by books and drink tea all day. This would also solve the problem of my bad teeth and allow me not to pay for another summer home for Dr. Ham.


5. Three of my bad habits

Not exercising

Wooden swearing. (My grandmaother's term for kinda but not really swearing)
I don't really swear that much, but I get too close sometimes.

Getting too busy & forgetting what - I mean who - is important. Sorry Ceildih and Sarah.


6. Five places I have lived
Cape Breton, NS
Taylor, MI
Greenville, SC
Syosset, NY
Bristow, VA

7. Five jobs I've had?
1- Lobster fishing - I "helped" my grandpa and his mate - not that kind of mate - one summer. He was very patient.

2. Stock room - ACE curriculum warehouse

3. Maintenance - Atomic Energy of Canada

4. Speech/Public Speaking Teacher - High School & college freshmen

5. Assistant to the Principal - like Assistant to the Regional Manager, not Assistant Regional Manager.


8. How did you name your blog?

Pretty much describes who I am. I'm a cancer surviving suburban Mom raising two teenage daughters, with two dogs, an unholy mortgage, a marginally insane extended family & doing all of it with the most laid back man God ever put breath in. I used to get into trouble - now it's just a little mischief.

Now - I tag Amber, Jill, Lindsey, Cary - even though you read 5000 blogs, I'm curious about your answers - and Sunny. Debby you're off the hook sinc eyou're functioning on 30 minutes of sleep and still recovering from the elevator incident of '08. I also tag you lurkers who never comment. You know who you are.

P.S. So do I.

Drink Up!

Dr Toni over at Everything Health http://healthwise-everythinghealth.blogspot.com/ had another great post today. It's been freakishly hot here the past week or so - apparently in early June, our planetary alignment puts northern VA roughly six feet from the sun. Power is out all over the area, crews have been working non-stop to get it back and we've had several Code Orange days. The big concern has been staying hydrated. With that in mind, here's a list of what NOT to drink.
From Dr. Toni:

Thanks to Mens Health for pointing me (Dr. Toni) to the most unhealthy drinks in America. Don't be fooled by:


Glacaeu VitaminWater (any flavor 20 oz)- Pure deception at 130 calories and 33 grams of sugar. You might as well drink a Coke. Hey, this drink is made by Coca Cola! Surprise.

Jamba Juice Peanut Butter Moo'd Power Smoothie (30 oz) 169 grams of sugar and 30 grams of fat will pack those fat cells on you. The only "power" will be cellulite.

Arizona Kiwi Strawberry (23.5 oz can) - These cans always look healthy and cool and cost under $1 but they pack on 360 calories and 84 grams of sugar.

Pina Colada - (you know the size) is the worst summer cocktail . They taste so yummy because they contain 625 calories and 75 grams of sugar. If you are trying to gain weight and don't care about empty sugar calories, this drink is for you.

Baskin Robbin's Large Heath Bar Shake (32 oz). This is the #1 most unhealthy drink in America. It contains 2,310 calories, 266 grams of sugar and 108 grams of fat. Don't say you haven't been warned.

So what is the best Summer Drink? Iced green tea with agave sweetener and mint or ice water with lemon. Stay cool and healthy!

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Men's Synchronized Swimming

Two of the funniest men ever in one of SNL's finest moments.

Amber, this is for you.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

15 Random Things

1. I hate roses. They remind me of funerals and obligations.
2. I love tulips and peonies.
3. I love toast. Hot buttered toast is my favorite snack.
4. I saw Queen Elizabeth when I was a little girl. It was very cool.
5. I married the only boyfriend I ever had. I don't regret it.
6. I think my children are exceptional. Despite the fact I am their mother, they are happy and well adjusted.
7. I cheated to pass my sophomore typing test in college. Back in the day, we needed to have a level of proficiency mainly for the purpose of typing press releases. Mrs. Dickson lost the records, no way was I going to pass, so I told her "Yes ma'am, I did."
8. Speaking of college, I survived Bob Jones University. I grew up in Canada, didn't know much about it, & it was the only school my parents would pay for. I got a decent education and a healthy dose of what the old South was like.
9. I'm the pet owner I always rolled my eyes at. I love my dog Sophie.
10. My husband is the best thing that has ever happened to me outside a home in Heaven. He puts up with me, makes me laugh, and is still my best friend after almost 20 years.
11. I am intimidated by everyone I meet. Everyone. You have better hair, you're thinner, smarter, bolder. Quiet people especially intimidate me. What are you thinking? You're thinking I'm an idiot aren't you?
12. I don't respect you if you disrespect your husband in front of other people. Good natured goofing is one thing, but if you'll crucify or mock him in front of others, what do you say about the rest of us?
13. I own three pairs of socks. All are footies to wear in my tennis shoes.
14. I hate talking on the phone. Damn you Alexander Graham Bell.
15. I love movies. If I could quit my job and do nothing but sit on my bum and watch movies all day, I would.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

5 things I like/don't like about myself

Hmmm... 5 things I like about myself - this is hard. It feels like bragging, and if my Mom finds out I'm sure I'll still get a lecture about pride.

1. I'm a good cook. My husband and kids eat anything, so I get to try all kinds of stuff.
2. I'm a good storyteller. You're reading this blog aren't you?
3. I'm a good wife & Mom. My kids are healthy, happy and well adjusted. My marriage has survived 18 years, cancer, job losses, moving 9 times, seriously crazy family members, death of parents...
4. I'm a good housekeeper. It's not perfect, but I've channelled my little OCD's in a healthy way. : )
5. I'm good at making lists. That's kind of sad that the only thing I could come up with for number 5 is that I'm good at lists.

Don't Like: This is way easier. Only five? The hard part is narrowing the list down.

1. I can't take a compliment. If you tell me my jeans are nice, I'll tell you I only paid $10 for them. If you tell me my hair looks nice, I'l dismiss it. If you tell me you like a dish I prepared, I'll tell you it's nothing.
2. I eat as a comfort/crutch. Instead of prayer, my first reaction is a handful of...whatever can't run away from me.
3. I hate surprises and quick changes. I don't need to be in charge of the plan, but I need to know someone is, and that they know what's going on. Otherwise I quietly freak out and get annoyed.
4. I can't get up early to save my life. Honestly if my house catches fire between 1 and 7 am, I'm toast.
5. I can be selfish with my time. I don't have a lot of free time, and I'm pretty picky about how I spend it.
6. I hate exercising. I despise my weight, but refuse to do anything about it. Wait, I was supposed to stop at 5 wasn't I?

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Seriously, you're not one of us!

My husband is a Pastor. I've spent more time in church over the past 20 years than most people will spend in a lifetime. In fact, I work at the church too(fairoakschurch.org), so I've spent more time at church since Monday than some people will in a lifetime. I'm okay with that. I like my church. I like my job. I like the ministry we're a part of. (I know I shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition - I notice every time, I just don't care). Anyway, both my husband and I grew up in very conservative homes. Those FLDS folks aren't too far removed from my background. Seriously. Eliminate the polygamy and the child brides and we're there. King James version of the Bible, dresses and long hair for women, women don't work outside the home - my parents were criticized for sending me to college - Bob Jones University no less - because since I had an education, I would always be tempted to step out and make money thus undermining my husband as Head of our Home. I wasn't allowed to go to movies, school dances, or date and was allowed limited time with friends who didn't attend the same church we did.

For the record, it's not how I'm raising my kids, and I'm confident they'll make far fewer stupid choices than I did because they're better informed and have more balance in their lives. Will they make mistakes. Oh, yeah. Will they break my heart? Possibly. Will I still love them? Definately.

In fairness, my parents were new to faith and got off on the wrong foot. I sincerely believe both my parents and the leadership of the church had pure motives. But, and there's always a big "but", they were sincerely off track. Waaay off track. My dad has since passed away, and my mom has found a balance.

This whole post was inspired by a YouTube video I watched yesterday. I was looking for Newspring Church(newspring.cc)but when I typed the pastor's name into the YouTube search engine, a pastor with a 10 minute rant against him was at the top of the list.

Now, I'm all about freedom of speech, everyone is entitiled to their opinion and for me to criticize & mock that man makes me no better than him. But, (there's that big but again) what is the point? How can he possibly think God is pleased with any of his ranting? Honestly. It's individuals like this guy that makes people think Christians are ALL narrow minded freaks muttering imprecatory Psalms and rejoicing every time an abortion clinic is blown up or someone dies of AIDS. "Smite another one Jesus!" we pray as we wring our hands and dance - actually we don't dance - that's sinful - as we walk through life.

Don't get me wrong, sin is sin, I belive God is very clear about what pleases and displeases Him. As a "survivor" of Fundamentalism, I realize have a biased opinion of that movement and should take care passing judgement. I simply believe God would be better served by us fighting the devil than each other. That's all.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Five Random Things




1. I like the smell of homemade bread. It reminds me of the days before my Mom lost her mind.

2. I hate chick flicks. I would rather have unanesthesized dental work than watch Sex & the City, read anything Nicholas Sparks has ever written - including his signature - or see any movie that could potentially be on Lifetime.

3. If I could quit my job and watch TV and movies all day, I would do it in a heart beat. I will watch anything starring Mike Meyers, Denzel Washington, Johnny Depp, James McEvoy, John Hannah, Judi Dench... I will not watch anything starring Sandra Bullock, Kate Hudson, Eva Longoria, Julia Roberts - Kathryn Heigel is a wild card - she was in Knocked Up before 27 Dresses

4. Toast is my favorite snack.

5. I had a dream that I was cheating on my husband with McLovin'. You heard me. McLovin. As in Superbad. I've been in love with Johnny Depp since High School, but a lisping, foul-mouthed teenager is my subconcious fantasy? I can't even imagine the level of therapy I need to get to the bottom of that one. Nevermind. I don't want to know.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Home of my Heart

I am homesick today. I'm homesick for a place I haven't lived in almost 25 years - Cape Breton - the island I grew up on. I realize that time allows us to romanticize our past and gloss over the reality of our memories. But it's where my heart is. It's where I grew up. It's an intergral part of who I am. I am proud to be a Canadian and proud to be from Cape Breton. Capers are proud & stubborn people who are fiercely protective of who they are and what is important to them. Sound familiar? My side of the island is predominantly Scottish and has produced the most amazing musicians. The music is Celtic, unique and beautiful. If you didn't grow up with it, it may not mean much, and may not be your taste. For me, it is the soundtrack to my childhood.

It's hard to explain why Cape Breton is still, and will always be, my home. If you've never lived one place for a long time or really identified with a culture, than this probably doesn't make much sense. I belong to Cape Breton. It's not just where I'm from, it's where I've been. I have friends that grew up on Long Island, and I think they feel the same way. Maybe it's an island thing. In the meantime, enjoy this little window into my home. The song is The Island, and the scenes are from all over Cape Breton. I didn't create the video - it's from YouTube (isn't everything?) Most of the scenes are very familiar to me.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


I was listening to the radio in the car yesterday and nearly drove off the road trying to change the station when an ad for Jared Jewelers started playing. I HATE THEIR JINGLE. That's Jared! I cannot tell you how much it annoys me. Of course, since I'm sitting in traffic in Northern Virginia - a little window into hell - it got me thinking of other services and products I will never buy or use because of their jingle. In all fairness, this is no reflection on the quality of their product or service, it's just me. Music is a powerful thing - didn't you learn your ABC's as a song? How about conjunctions? "Conjunction Junction what's your function?" It's just that for me, their plan worked in reverse. Yes, I remember you, but I twitch when I hear your name. Jared isn't the jingle I hate most - it's just the one that triggered the sense memory of heinous jingles.


Daisy Sour Cream.
Easily the jingle I hate most in the world. I hate it with the firey passion of a thousand suns.

Empire Flooring. A close second to Daisy,
the phone number then the voice sliding over the word Empire followed by TODAY! AAHHHHH! I will live with dirt floors before I use them for flooring.

Kraft Krumbles - They're krumbelievable! Mr. Ad Man, you deseve a boot to the berries for this one.


Folgers Coffee
- If the best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup, your life sucks. Sorry. A fact's a fact.

Anyway, this has been somewhat theraputic. I'm better now.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Happy Mother's Day!

This was our Mother's Day Tribute at church last year. It's based on a sketch by the hilarious Barats and Bereta - we used their idea, made it G-rated for church - and this was the result. I think they did a pretty good job. Enjoy.

Friday, May 9, 2008

What's on your iPod?


I just bought the Wayne's World CD for $1 at the Library. It's one of my favorite guilty pleasures - I movie I stop and watch even if it's halfway through when I find it. I know it isn't fine art or high cinema - but dang it, it's funny. Twice a year the Library has a massive used book sale - it's awesome. I got 15 books by authors like Augusten Burroughs, Anita Shreve, Frank McCourt, Wally Lamb, Jed Rubenfeld ... AND my CD for $18! I felt like a fat kid at a buffet. Seriously - it was fan-freaken-tastic. I just wished I had remembered it in advance so I could have shopped more and spent more. >: ) Anyhoo, I've been listening to that CD on my iPod for the past week - I love it. Songs like:

Bohemian Rhapsody - arguably the best song by one of the greatest bands of all time - QUEEN.

Foxy - Jimi Hendrix - my daughter Sarah's favorite from the movie and the CD - she can do the shimmying, twitching dance Dana Carvey does in the movie - cracks me up

Ballroom Blitz - Tia Carrere's version, not the original by Sweet. Still, a great song. I remember it was a challenge to learn and spit out all the words - really, you're not singing along are you?

Dream Weaver - Gary Wright - I honestly didn't remember the song until it got to the chorus. I always associate it with the soft lighting and wind machine of those scenes from Dana's imagination.

Feed my Frankenstein - Alice Cooper. Hmmm, I wonder what Alice was thinking about when he wrote this little gem? Nasty. I know only a few Cooper songs, I like them more than I should admit. An acquired taste I know.

There's a lot of great songs - some better than others. Anyway, what are you listening to? I'm up for anything.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Another Sign of the Apocolypse

I rarely watch network TV - the only reality shows I've ever purposefully watched more than once are Last Comic Standing or Project Runway (mainly 'cause I knew one of the models and really wanted her to do well), but I digest. Not that I'm highbrow in my comedy choices - I watch BBC & love British humor. But, I do have my standards. In yet another sign of the decline of Western Civvilization and further evidence that if God does not destroy us all in a fiery display of His wrath He'll owe Sodom and Gomorrah an apology, I bring you Single and Special. Really, after that girl on Flavor of Love pooped on a rug during a very special episode, it was just a matter of time. The end is near my friends. Get your sunscreen.

Single and SpecialGreenlit cable dating show from established production company seeks mentally disabled male and female contestants of all ages and races.
"Single and Special" will be a tasteful mix of "The Bachelor" and "Life Goes On." "Single and Special" already has the endorsement of the Special Olympics. Pilot available upon request.

Tri-State area contestants preferred. Will have mental health care professionals on set at all times.

Please email photo and short bio, with dating history, to SingleandSpecial@gmail.com.

* I haven't been able to find aother info on the show - let's pray it isn't real.

Virginia Wasn't for Lovers


Mildred Loving, matriarch of interracial marriage, dies

NOTE: I grew up in Canada so much of the racial tension and history here is the U.S. is foreign to me. Canada has it's own set of cultural & social tensions -it's simply that I didn't grow up with it so I forget how recent it is. I live in VA now, so this story was a reminder to me of how very recently Virginia wasn't for lovers.

By DIONNE WALKER
Associated Press Writer

RICHMOND, Va. (AP) -- Mildred Loving, a black woman whose challenge to Virginia's ban on interracial marriage led to a landmark Supreme Court ruling striking down such laws nationwide, has died, her daughter said Monday.

Peggy Fortune said Loving, 68, died Friday at her home in rural Milford. She did not disclose the cause of death.

"I want (people) to remember her as being strong and brave yet humble - and believed in love," Fortune told The Associated Press.

Loving and her white husband, Richard, changed history in 1967 when the U.S. Supreme Court upheld their right to marry. The ruling struck down laws banning racially mixed marriages in at least 17 states.

"There can be no doubt that restricting the freedom to marry solely because of racial classifications violates the central meaning of the equal protection clause," the court ruled in a unanimous decision.

Her husband died in 1975. Shy and soft-spoken, Loving shunned publicity and in a rare interview with The Associated Press last June, insisted she never wanted to be a hero - just a bride.

"It wasn't my doing," Loving said. "It was God's work."

Mildred Jeter was 11 when she and 17-year-old Richard began courting, according to Phyl Newbeck, a Vermont author who detailed the case in the 2004 book, "Virginia Hasn't Always Been for Lovers."

She became pregnant a few years later, she and Loving got married in Washington in 1958, when she was 18. Mildred told the AP she didn't realize it was illegal.

"I think my husband knew," Mildred said. "I think he thought (if) we were married, they couldn't bother us."

But they were arrested a few weeks after they returned to Central Point, their hometown in rural Caroline County north of Richmond. They pleaded guilty to charges of "cohabiting as man and wife, against the peace and dignity of the Commonwealth," according to their indictments.

They avoided jail time by agreeing to leave Virginia - the only home they'd known - for 25 years. They moved to Washington for several years, then launched a legal challenge by writing to Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy, who referred the case to the American Civil Liberties Union.

Attorneys later said the case came at the perfect time - just as lawmakers passed the Civil Rights Act, and as across the South, blacks were defying Jim Crow's hold.

"The law that threatened the Lovings with a year in jail was a vestige of a hateful, discriminatory past that could not stand in the face of the Lovings' quiet dignity," said Steven Shapiro, national legal director for the ACLU.

"We loved each other and got married," she told The Washington Evening Star in 1965, when the case was pending. "We are not marrying the state. The law should allow a person to marry anyone he wants."

After the Supreme Court ruled, the couple returned to Virginia, where they lived with their children, Donald, Peggy and Sidney. Each June 12, the anniversary of the ruling, Loving Day events around the country mark the advances of mixed-race couples.

Richard Loving died in a car accident that also injured his wife. "They said I had to leave the state once, and I left with my wife," he told the Star in 1965. "If necessary, I will leave Virginia again with my wife, but I am not going to divorce her."

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Today

Today I hate:

1. Waking up waaaay too early on a Saturday I should have been sleeeping in because my spring allergies are fierce and I want to swallow a hairbrush so I can adequately scratch my itchy throat.

2. The neighbor's dog. Stupid Max. Stop. Barking. See Max. See Max bark. See Max bark some more. See Max bark and bark and bark and bark. See Max get chased by the crazy lady. Run Max run. Oh, poor Max.

3. The carpet in my house. I hate carpet. The sinner who sold us the house installed the cheapest quality carpet in the western hemisphere. Carpet is a generous term. Actually so is installed. Seriously. There are speed bumps in the upstairs hall. Think nappy acrylic sweater balled up on the floor of your closet. That's my carpet.

4. Finances. We have good jobs, are paid fairly and live modestly. Where the crap does the money go?

5. Dusting. I don't mind housework - I actually enjoy some of it and keep a tidy house. But dusting? Dusting makes my teeth itch. You don't really get rid of the dust, you just move it around and make the room smell like artificial lemons for a minute. AAAAAAGGGHHH!

6. Shut. Up. Max.

7. Hannah Montana. Not Miley Cyrus - the Hannah Montana TV show. It bumped LOST on our DVR because it was a higher priority program so only half of it taped. WHAT?

Today I love:

1. My husband. That one doesn't change day to day. Some days I like him more than others...

2. My dog Sophie. Sigh. She's nice.

3. Kleenex with lotion. My poor afflicted nose.

4. My bed. Nice, fresh sheets - high thread count. Ahhh.

5. Wireless internet. Laptop in bed. Yay for being lazy on Saturday morning. Just because I'm awake doesn't mean I have to be up. >: )

6. My backyard. We opened the pool yesterday and i can see it from my window. Pretty.


I'm done. I need a cup of tea. What about you? What do you love/hate today?

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Lessons Learned from the Drunk Girls of MySpace




From the evil geniuses at Asylum For All Mankind, I bring you Lessons We Learned from the Drunk Girls of MySpace.
Girls, I don't know who you are, and by the look of some of these photos, you probably aren't clear who you are either, but you need better hobbies. The internet is unforgiving girls. Someday, your kids are going to find these and there goes those hours of lectures on the evils of alcohol...



You partied with friends, right?


I wonder how many diseases you can catch from a frat bathroom floor. I bet she knows.



If you're okay with this being the way you get home, you're in trouble. Never mind, you won't remember.



Niiiice. Very sexy. Boys love a girl covered in the (former) contents of her stomach.



You can't buy class like that. Wait, maybe you can pay for it...

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Rollin' Bones with Dinosaurs

Let me begin by saying I have never rolled a bone with dinosaurs - or humans - but I thought this was really funny. I tried smoking in high school but could never get the hang of it. This is one of those BBC/IFC shows I don't brag about watching - especially to my church friends. Sometimes it's the funniest thing and I laugh out loud - on the other hand, every once in awhile something pops up that makes me tell Jesus I'm sorry. I watched this episode on one of those "holy crap it's 3:45 and I'm stll awake" inomnia nights and it struck me as ridiculously funny. Maybe you won't find it as funny, but who knows...