Thursday, July 31, 2008

Movie Franchises that Need to End

This list is from EW - some I agree with more than others(Austin Powers), some I've never even seen the first installment (American Pie, Starship Troopers). The commentary is theirs - my comments are after in parentheses.
The complete list is at,,20215564,00.html

If your franchise is using Paris Hilton as a last resort, you know its time to put it to bed (and, no, not Hilton's bed). Though National Lampoon started out on a good foot (hello, National Lampoon's Vacation and Animal House!), once Girls of National Lampoon's Strip Poker was released, we realized the franchise was ready to fold.
(Anything Paris Hilton is attached to - I want no part. I don't have all the necessary shots. You get free herpes with every DVD purchased.)

Okay, so 2009's Friday the 13th is a remake and not necessarily part of the slasher franchise. Still, that doesn't excuse the slew of Jason films — 11 in total! — that somehow found their way onto the big screen. We were happy to visit Camp Crystal Lake just the once, thankyouverymuch.
(At the risk of sounding like a purist, why do we feel compelled to re-make horror classics? Psycho, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Carrie... The first Friday the 13th was great 'cause we didn't know any better, AND it had a sassy Kevin Bacon. Why bother remake it?)

We dug the Brendan Fraser-Rachel Weisz action film the first time around, but when it comes to the third film — in theatres Aug. 1, eight long years after the second installment — we think this mummy should have stayed in its tomb.
(Love the Mummy series - first one was definately the best)

The dirty high school comedy rightly cooked up legions of teenage fans, thanks to its illicit appeal and, of course, the always reliable Eugene Levy. But after two sequels, and a string of terrible straight-to-DVD flicks starring the ever-annoying Stifler family, we suddenly had a second reason to dread band camp.
(Never saw it. Feel a little self-righteous about that)

I said, Brr! It's cold in here! Must be our reaction to the never-ending Bring It On films! The three installments following the original 2000 film were so terrible, not even a squad of spirit fingers could save the franchise.
(Never saw it - my kids like them - I think)

Somewhere between Mr. Bigglesworth and Alotta Fagina, we fell in love with Mike Myers' James Bond spoof. But the comedian's shtick became all too predictable with its two sequels. Even before Goldmember, the International Man of Mystery was starting to make us bored, baby.
(Could have done without Fat Bastard & the guy eating his own skin. Lets hope The Love Guru 2 never sees the light of day)

Once Dr. Lawrence Gordon (Cary Elwes) began cutting his own foot off with a rusty saw, we were done. And yet, a fifth installment is on its way into multiplexes.
(My - otherwise perfectly normal - friend Angela loves these. Ugh.)

Sure, the first three Indy flicks were solid enough to be considered classics, but we'd rather stand in a pit of snakes than see this year's humdrum Kingdom of the Crystal Skull again. Too bad George Lucas didn't take note — he's said he hopes to release a fifth film. But if Indy's dad, played by Sean Connery, isn't going to make any more appearances, we'll just stick to Celebrity Jeopardy.
(Kingdom was crap - aliens? Seriously?)

None of these tasteless, unfunny flicks even come close to holding a candle to 1980's Airplane, the prime example of a spoof done right. And at least the Airplane folks had the good sense to make only one terrible sequel.
(I really agree with this one. These movies are useless. Even when if I'm home with the flu and too sick to move, I'll muster the strength to at least roll over on the remote. CNN is funnier.)

Baby dinosaur Littlefoot found the leaf and found his mother. All was well. Now, if only the animated kidflick series went extinct so we wouldn't have to endure its 12 sequels.
(I'm sorry, 12 friggin' sequels? Real dinosaurs didn't live this long. Where's an ice age when you need one?)

I'd add the Star Wars franchise to this list, but some of the Star Wars geeks know where I live, and if they ever come out of their mom's basements, I'm in trouble.

Like I said, the rest of the list is at - feel free to stop by.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Deadliest Dream

I could not fall asleep the other night and was determined not to take Ambien again because even though they tell me it isn't addictive I don't believe them. I know my personality. I am addicted to the TV show Intervention about people with addictions. Don't tell me I can't be addicted to something. I'll take it as a challenge.

Anyway, as I tossed as turned - actually sighed and rolled would be a more accurate description - I could not get my mind to stop. I could not turn it off. I ended my night with the season finale of Dealiest Catch. I am not a Sex and the City gal - I'm a Deadliest Catch woman. Give me Edgar Hansen in rain gear over SJP in Prada any day. Earlier the family had watched what may be the worst movie available to the public, Grizzly Park - of course you've never heard of it - the actors in the movie don't put it on their resumé. I've seen better acting on YoGabbaGabba. One of the last scenes is a tarty little thing being attacked by a grizzly and seeeing her silicone breast implant sail through the air in slow motion. Yeah. It was THAT good. My husband is forbidden to choose movies ever again. My daughter wanted something scary - and in his defense, that's tricky to find for a 12 year old who isn't as brave - or old - as she'd like to think she is. There's either naked people running around or f-bombs in every sentence. Other than the "inside of a boob shot" there wasn't a lot of that in this movie. Anyway, my mind is wandering - that stupid movie, summer school, the boy in my daughter's class who she has known for 6 years but is pretending he doesn't know her because she goes to church, the mission trip we leave on in a week and a half, my grandmother's deteriorating health, finances, and the fact I have developed itchy palms and the soles of my feet are crawling for no apparent reason.

Anyway, I finally fall asleep, and I am jolted awake horror movie style to a clap of thunder so loud I may have peed. Just a little. Wow. Lightening so bright I could read the clock across the room. So bright I could read if it lasted long enough. Toss toss toss, sigh sigh sigh, back to sleep. More thunder. Aaggghh. Awake.Back to sleep, itchy hands. Not quite back to sleep...barking dog. Back to sleep - Deadliest Catch.

I dreamed I was madly in love with - and he with me - Edgar Hansen. If that's not weird enough, his brother Sig is in love with me. (In the dream obviously - both are happily married from what I hear. Not that I hear a lot, seeing I don't know them...anyway...awkward). I'm talking rolling around on the beach - on rocks, 'cause it's Alaska - love. Uncomfortable yet? I am. I tear myself away from Sig because "I love Edgar, I love Edgar I tell you, this isn't right!" and run to Edgar who is waiting and forgives me for kissing his (kinda crazy eyed, slightly unstable in my opinion) older brother. Um, what?

I feel it's important to note I didn't go to bed intoxicated, I did not eat Indian food, nor is there a gas leak - I am aware of - in my room. I am also the least romantic woman alive. Anyway, just thought I'd share a window into my insanity, so later, when I really do snap, you'll be able to testify, "Well your Honor, there was this one time she talked about kissing a Norweigan crab fisherman. Does that help?"

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Cheesy 80's memories of the Day

Back in the day - which was a Wednesday by the way - (thank you Dane Cook) - I loved these songs. Don't judge me - once upon a time you were 17 too - are you proud of all your choices? I didn't think so. I'm so upset, I need to go make my hair bigger (thank you Amy Poehler).

Some of them aren't great songs & they're all victims of the 80's video style (in the best way) but I have memories tied to them that make them good songs by default. Enjoy - or endure - whatever!

Eurythmics "Sweet Dreams" - my favorite song of the decade (at least for today) is protected so I couldn't post it - I'd sing it for you instead, but that's just not fair to any of us is it?

Paul Young - Every Time You Go Away

Billy Idol - White Wedding

Big Country - In a Big Country

Sweet baby James! Have you seen Pete Byrne lately? He's a she now. Frightening transformation even on the very forgiving Tranny Scale.

Totally under-rated Queen song - Somebody to Love. Besides, Freddy mercury in that white unitard makes me smile. I wish had that kind of self-confidence.

Thompson Twins - Hold Me Now
Who knew they weren't really twins? Did not see that coming.

There's 1000 more, but I'll not bore you any longer. I'm off to untangle the banana clip from my hair.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I think this guy used to live in my car...

My kids are at Camp this week. My house is QUIET. It's nice. Don't get me wrong - I love my daughters, they are good girls and we have a lot of fun together, but a week away...absence makes the heart grow fonder - that's all I'm saying.

I have the TV on or I listen to my iPod while I clean so it's not totally quiet, but mostly I have noticed that my house is REALLY CLEAN. I mean showroom clean. I cleaned this weekend, AND MY HOUSE STILL LOOKS GOOD. I could sell it tomorrow. Of course I don't include their bedrooms in this description. If furniture could have a flu virus, I would understand the way Sarah's room looks. To my untrained eye it appears that her dresser, desk, and bed have vomited their contents onto her floor. The closet is tidy. There is one lonely skirt on a hanger and a single furry pink slipper on the floor. Ceilidh's room is better - it appears her room just has a hangover, but Sarah...sweet baby james, that ain't right.

At least it's limited to their rooms now. When my girls were little, based on the smell and level of trash in my car, I'm pretty sure there was a homeless guy living in the back seat. I never actually saw him, but the evidence was there. I mean my kids swore they didn't leave the PBJ stuck to the back of the seat, or step on the not-quite-empty juice box and spray it all over the roof of the car. They didn't dump the fries on the floor to leave them sticking up like bamboo spears at the bottom of a Viet Cong pit. They had no idea whose shoe, sock, giraffe, lego, Mr. Potato Head eye or Barbie leg was jammed between the seats. Now that they're teens, I think I've got a hooker. Clothes, lip gloss, occasionally there's money... again - haven't seen her, but what else could it be?

Anyway, I think I'm going to go revel in my tidy nest. The circus comes back into town on Friday.