Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Christmas Piracy

Jon Acuff over at http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/ is my kind of guy. Loves Jesus, but not so much that he can't make fun of us church folk once in awhile - okay, often. But really, if we didn't give people so many reasons, it would be different. I'm just saying - being able to laugh at yourself - and anyone who falls downstairs - is the key to a happy life. With that in mind, I came across this ode to teh ubiquitous Christmas sweater. Lord have mercy, there's no end to these bespangled atrocities. A Christmas sweater is what happens when a box of Christmas ornaments vomits on a blanket. http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/ had a great take on the sweater - enjoy:

I think all women over the age of 40 have a hidden walk-in closet built into their houses that is full of bedazzled, bejeweled, and bespangled (which is a real word…click the link if you don’t believe me) Christmas sweaters. The day after Thanksgiving, they go into their secret chamber of wooly Christmas spirit and arrange the shelves of the closet like an advent calendar of sweatery splendor. They adorn each one proudly, with the majesty and merriment of all the snow angels in the world.

So, here’s the big question: how can you know if your Christmas sweater is truly Christmawesome?

Official Point System of Sweater Christmaweseomeness:

1. If your sweater has a nativity scene = +1 point

2. If your sweater has lights on it = +1 point

3. If your light is for Rudolph’s nose = -1 point

4. If your light is for the star of Bethlehem over your nativity scene = +4 points

5. If your sweater has actual bells and whistles from the Polar Express tied on by pieces of yarn = +2 points

6. If you can hear the bells = -2 points

7. If every time one of the bells rings, you get excited because an angel just got its wings = + 1 point

8. If your sweater has Luke 2 written out on it (the entire chapter) = +3 points

9. If it is KJV = +2 points

10. If it is actually a puff paint sweatshirt, which is really just a Christmas sweater wannabe = -3 points

11. If your sweater was knitted from the wool of a Bethlehemian sheep = +5 points

12. If you have more than 5 snowmen/women on your sweater = +2 points (+1 point for each additional snowperson)

13. If any of your snowmen are inspired by Calvin and Hobbes = +4 points

14. If it is a maternity sweater that reads “Mary is My Homegirl” = +10 points

15. If your sweater has stockings with your kids’ names on it = +1 point for each child

16. If the stockings are your kids’ used socks = -2 points for each sock

17. If it has a 3-D hologram of baby Jesus on it = +3 points

18. If it has candy canes on it = -4 points… I’m going to use this platform of SCL to take a stand against candy canes, a.k.a. carnage canes. Candy canes become sharp and dangerous once licked. It's like putting an ice pick in your mouth and poking it around. I'm sorry, but if I want the flavors of mint and blood to mix in my mouth, I'll go to the dentist. This injustice needs to stop now, so we're starting a boycott of candy canes effective immediately. I think it’s the Southern Baptist roots in me that really wanted to start a boycott. That’s why I started Humans Against Candy Knives, or H.A.C.K. Join the fight on the Facebook group I started.

19. If it has any other kind of cane on it= +2 points. This could be one of the wise men’s canes, sugar canes, or even hurricanes. Just as long as they’re not candy canes.

How did you score?

0-3 points= Sorry to break the news, but you might be a cotton-headed ninny-muggins.
4-7 points= You’re rockin’ a mighty fine piece of holiday merriment, my friend. Just don’t wear your sweater and your light up reindeer antlers at the same time. That would be tacky.
8-10 points= “Then adorn yourself with glory and splendor, and clothe yourself in honor and majesty.” –Job 40:10
11-13 points= Bill Cosby called. He wants his sweater back.
14+ points= You are the embodiment of Christmawesomeness. There are probably three men coming from afar to shower you with gifts as you read this.
Less than zero points= Apparently you love candy canes.

How Christmawesome are your Christmas sweaters? Please post links in the comments section to a picture of you sporting your sweater.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

White Elephant Gifts

Next to "Why don't we carpool!" no phrase strikes more fear & loathing in my heart than "I know! Let's do a White elephant" gift exchange. I am not one that fortune smiles upon and I usually end up with the pot holder your son made for you instead of the Yankee candle that smells like Santa. I'm not that competitive, but apparently I am greedy, petty and jealous based on my reaction.

There's no polite way to get out of it really. Honestly, no matter how valid your reason, you'll look like Scrooge. But I have discovered a way to enjoy the game. When your Sunday School teacher, Small Group Leader or Ladies Missionary Society leader invites you, this is how to play. You'll NEVER be invited to participate again.

1. Booze it up. Nothing stops a Baptist party faster than alcohol, or Satan Water as I've been told the Southern Baptists like to call it. Better still, take one out of that six pack and tell them "I owe you one."

2. A wallet. Not a new wallet. One of the guests wallets'. You gotta be quick, but while their back is turned, slip into their purse, grab that wallet & drop it a gift bag. Then, enjoy the awkwardness of "Wait, what? is that my wallet?" This is most effective if you snag the bag of the hyper-pious church lady who is directing the game and insisting that this is FUN!

3. Goldfish - A real goldfish - not the snack. Where's the fun in that? Besides, poodles are too hard to wrap.

4. Underwear - The less appropriate the better.

5. All your (or your really zealous neighbor's) leftover campaign stuff. Yard signs, bumper stickers...it's all good. In a church setting, this works best if it's pro-Democrat, but either way, you're guaranteed to make someone feel awkward.

I'm sure there are others, but that should get you started. Have fun!

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Brain Candy

Saw this on VH1 last night - pure cotton candy for your ears. Maybe you'd like to put cotton candy in your ears when you hear it, but I like it. It's one of the few music videos that I think I could manage the dance moves. Lots of walking in a straight line, pointing, hand gestures...I do that every day! Who knows, maybe one of them saw me tell the story of the mama raccoon who built a nest in our attic then one night dug a hole through the ceiling and the baby fell through on to the floor of the den. It's a great story with lots of hand gestures, walking and if the story is going well, even running. What? It could have happened. Anyway, just like cotton candy, I don't think I could take a steady diet or too much at once, but it's fun for a treat. Enjoy.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

The End is near

Okay, let me begin by saying I love Jesus. I really do. I work for him on a daily basis. Literally - I work at a church. I even went to - cue scary music - Bible college. duh duh duh! However, I don't consider myself a church lady. I don't think Hurricane Katrina was God's judgement on the city of New Orleans or the state of Louisiana. Good grief - you've already got Britney and her clan - how cruel do you think God is? I don't think Barack Obama is the Anti-Christ any more than I thought John Mc Cain was our Saviour.

Over the years, I have seen some stange stuff - people putting their car keys and wedding rings in an offering plate... a woman that smashed her porcelain doll collection because they were like idols... a baptistry that overflowed when a woman of considerable girth stepped into the water...I once even saw two guys synchronized swimming in the baptistry.

But this, this is the craziest "church thing" I have ever seen. Seriously. What is wrong with this child? More importantly, what is wrong with the adults here? Are you kidding me? I'm all about letting little Jimmy get up there and toss out a mangled chrus of "Jesus Loves Me", but this, this is snake handlin' crazy to me. Dear Lord baby Jesus help these people. Amen.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Letters to Santa

Found these on Scuba.com when googling "Funny Letters to Santa" for a project at work. Thought they were hilarious. Enjoy.

deer santa:

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I
send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba.

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the back door.

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the craps and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making oys?
Your friend,

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I give
them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the butts of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping
your house.

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't
work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your butt
kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,