Best insults

None of these are original to me - they are credited to whoever spoke them - bless their hearts. These the things you wish you had said, or wish you were clever enough to think of.

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
Clarence Darrow


“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
Groucho Marx

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one.”
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.”
Winston Churchill’s response to George Bernard Shaw

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
Stephen Bishop

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
Irvin S. Cobb

“He had delusions of adequacy.”
Walter Kerr

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
Mae West

“Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!”
Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party

“Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!”
Winston Churchill’s response to Lady Astor

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
Robert Redford


"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
Oscar Wilde

"Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?"
Milton Berle

"Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week."
William Dean Howells

"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
Groucho Marx

"They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway."
Hunter S. Thompson

"You're a good example of why some animals eat their young."
Jim Samuels

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx (Okay, so it's not an insult, it was too good not to include)

"I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along."
Groucho Marx

"I thought men like that shot themselves."
King George V

"I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest."
Steven Pearl

"Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you."
Groucho Marx

"You were born with your legs apart. They'll send you to the grave in a Y-shaped coffin."
Joe Orton

"There goes the famous good time that was had by all."
Bette Davis

"She's been on more laps than a napkin."
Walter Winchell

"So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name."
Alan Bennett