what lies beneath

My younger sister is going through a hideous divorce that has become Jerry Springer worthy in the past couple of weeks. It started out just Lifetime movie worthy, but my brother in law has developed the super power of transforming himself into "White Trash Man" so it's escalated to a whole new level.

It's gotten me thinking about why my marriage has survived all these years. Not just survived, but thrived. Both my husband and my brother in law were raised by decent, hard working people who loved God and their family. In fact, both my sister and I met our husbands in church. They did half their dating at our house. My husband actually married them. The strange thing is that the guy she's divorcing is so far from being the guy she married. That guy was gentle and kind, thoughtful, helped with the house work, remembered birthdays, anniversaries, & tolerated her evil cat that hated everyone but her. This guy stood up his daughters - who waited an HOUR for him on their front steps thank you - only to show up at the event with his most recent girlfriend. This guy has done things that sound like they're torn from a National Enquirer headline.

The whole situation is difficult to grasp, but it's also a cautionary tale for the rest of us. He didn't wake up one morning, transformed during the night into Bizarro Husband. It was a series of choices over the past several years that have brought him to this point. The impact of those baby steps has taken him away from being the Original Husband and brought him to this place. The Butterfly Effect. A ripple in a pond. The clichés are obvious. There are so many deep, philosophical tangents this post could go. But, honestly, I'm not up to it. I don't need to go off into an existential rant on the impact of personal choice and the effect on everyone your life touches.

I've been struck lately by the current societal trend of a general lack of personal responsibilty. Nothing is our fault. Celebrities get away with DUI's, racist rants, and worse. "It's the papparazi." "There was no one to tell them "No"." "No one helped them set boundaries" "Fame was too much." Everyone has an excuse - it's just that most of us don't get the press coverage.

I think the bottom line is for us all to remeber to guard our hearts. Nobody plans to be a chain smoker or an alchoholic - or a serial adulterer. But, it doesn't just happen. My Pastor warns us not to let a foothold become a stronghold. Don't take for granted if your marriage is "working" or that you're in a "good place" today. It's a lot of work. A lot of work. But it's so worth it. It's those little choices, every day, that little drift in your conscience that make all the differnce.

I have this poem in a folder on my desktop entitled "for my funeral". I'm not morbid, and believe me, I have no immediate plans, but this my favorite e.e. cummings poem. I am not romantic - that would be Roy's gift - not mine - but this poem is perfect to me.

I carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root, and the bud of the bud, and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

~ e.e. cummings

you remember it's a dog, right?

I've been out of the loop for awhile - we had 2 weeks of fun with friends from out of town, and I have had a hard time putting together coherent thoughts worth blogging. So, I dusted off a draft that's been sitting around for a couple of months, polished the turd, and here it is for your reading pleasure.

Don't get me wrong - I love my dogs. Yes dogs - thanks to my husbands' previously undiagnosed mental illness, we have two. Took me 15 YEARS to talk him into the first one, 6 months later, we have a second. But, that's a blog for another day. My problem is with people who forget they are pets, not family. Again, don't get me wrong - grooming for my dogs costs more than my hair cuts, and they sleep on my bed. They enjoy treats, have sassy, color coordinated collars and leashes. But they are pets. My wonderful sister was here a few weeks ago with her dogs - a Greyhound and an Italian Greyhound. The full size greyhound was great. The little one, although not mean, does not know he is a dog. I'm not sure my sister remembers either. We've talked about it, and it's become a bit of a family joke. Now she's pregnant with her first child, and I am fascinated to see how this will develop and her dog has to take second place to the child. Really. This is going to be a change of Biblical proportions. It's actually quite funny. I'm the oldest sister and had kids first, so, obviously, I got to make all the parenting decisions & mistakes first. Now, I get to watch the circus from the stands instaed of being in the center ring. Not that I'm anywhere nearly done - my girls are teens so I'm about to catapult into that madness - but it's interesting to watch.

what is that feeling?

What the heck? I have that "It's about to happen any moment" kind of feeling and I don't know why. I keep waiting. And waiting. It's annoying. It feels like something significant is just ahead. Not necesarily to me personally, but something that will significantly impact my life. Like I can see the outline in my peripheral vision. Like I should see the signs and be able to put the pieces together, but I'm not quite there yet. It's not really an ominous feeling. I'm not nervous about it. And still, the feeling persists. It's out there. Can't say I wasn't warned. : )

audio prozac

I'm in love with an Old Navy sweater commercial. Actually, I'm kind of indifferent towards the sweaters, and it filled with attractive women, not many guys, so whatever, what I really love is the song. It's Ingrid Michaelson's The Way I Am. It makes me smile every time I hear it. James Taylor has the same effect. When PMS is particularly heinous Roy discreetly pops in a James Taylor CD, a few minutes, a little "Sweet Baby James" and "In my Mind I'm Gone to Carolina". "The Way I Am" is my current audio prozac. It's simple, kinda light & artsy, and it's wonderful. It's one of those songs that I can honestly say I really like the words and the music. Usually you get one or the other. Check out Girls and Boys. It's a great CD.

good day to you

Yesterday turned out to be a really good day. Not that I was expecting anything unpleasant or for it to be a bad day - I really didn't have expectations at all. It just turned out to be a good day. Why is that post-worthy? I'm glad you asked. : ) I guess it's really not. But I'm posting it any way. I spent the morning at a mini seminar at church, and spent the afternoon at a cheesy community festival, second in lame-ness only to the last parade I went to in my hometown that was made up of 4 cars, a fire engine, the homeliest Festival Queen outside the Far Side, and a terrifyingly enthusiastic clown pelting bystanders with Jolly Ranchers. But you know what? The day - and the festival - was great. We went to dinner with the same friends who had invited us to the "festival" & we had a nice, relaxing time. My girls were at an all day event with friends, so R & I got to just be a couple all day. That doesn't happen often.

The people-watching alone was worth the trip. Any time you're feeling low, take a few minutes to be utterly shallow and look around. You are not "the fattest/worst haired/worst parent/pet owner...(insert current guilt/struggle here). You'll feel so much better. Then tell Jesus you're sorry & blame me for being a bad influence. Plus there was free ice cream and free cotton candy. They could have been playing accordian music full blast and it still would have been great. Seriously - free ice cream AND free cotton candy? What magical land is this?

There really wasn't anything outstanding about the day - (besides the free diabetic-coma-worthy snacks) The seminar was informative, the festival cheesy, but we were with good friends and the weather was perfect. We finished it off with great food at a nice restaurant. Nothing spectacular, but it was a really good day. Hope you get to have your own version of yesterday really soon.

sigh

This post has been difficult to write. I've actually been trying to compose it for days and have re-written it anout 12 times. The anonymity of my blog is limited b/c most of my "fan base" (hee hee) okay, readers, are my friends.

I let down a friend last week & I feel really lousy about it. Don't get me wrong, she's a good friend and I know she isn't upset - I know she still loves me : ) - but still, I hate this feeling. It was one of those times where I had to choose between my husband and my friend. Hmmm. It's brought up the whole issue of friendships between my husband & me. As a Pastor's wife, I have many friends, yet very few friends, know what I mean? Fewer still for him. It's complicated and wierd. Kinda like being the proverbial pretty girl that no one asks out 'cause everyone thinks she's busy or too cool for them, but sub "busy and holy" for "pretty and cool." : ) Most of the time, (ceratinly not always) if someone invites us out or over, they need to talk to my hubby about something. "My (wife, daughter, son, boss, mail man, gynocologist, dog walker) is driving me crazy!" Or, "So I have this friend, right?..." I really don't mind - I accepted it a long time ago. It's in the job decsription somewhere. The hard part is, in ministry, I'm out of practice of having real friends. It's also part of the job description. You construct a tidy little fence around your family, and guard it with all your might. Like in every profession, there are things about ministry you just don't "get" unless you are a pastor or pastor's wife. As an added bonus, every unguarded word & stupid thing you do is up for scrutiny. That is not a completely unreasonable thing for people to expect. With leadership comes responsibility. All that to say, it's hard to be relaxed and have genuine friendships because you can never be yourself completely. I am SO grateful I married my best friend or I'd have lost my mind a long time ago. Every stupid, and I have some doozies, thing I have said or done, R has witnessed or had relayed to him in living color. And he's okay with that. He knew what he was getting when he married me, and he knows I almost didn't marry him because I didn't want to be a "Pastor's Wife". I so don't fit the profile. But again, that's why he picked me. Bottom line, my friend, I'm sorry I pooped out on plans with short notice. You are a good friend and you deserve better. Again, I know you are over it, and think I am ridiculous for blogging it, but it's important to me to make it right.

This post is rambling and ridiculous, and I'm pretty sure I'll delete it shortly after I post it, but what the heck. It's post it or dump it. I don't want to see this draft again.

what just happened here?

My kids went back to school today. So did the rest of Fairfax, I know, but my kids going back is important because they are my kids. One daughter started High School - ugh! - and the other started Middle School. Naturally it got me thinking of my own High School and Jr. High experience. We went from being the average Catholic family in a very - almost exclusively - Catholic community to be being ultra conservative Christians. No more movies, rock music, and don't even think about school dances. Can you say awkward? How about outcast? I don't blame my parents for how much I hated those years - at least not any more. Rather than stand up for what I believed - none of those rules incidentally - I chose to blame my parents. The fundamentals of what they believed, God as Creator, Savior, and the promise of a home in heaven based on my faith in Christ not on the "good" I could do, were and still are, real to me. It was just the other "stuff" that I had a hard time with. And it's also when I lost my mom. She's not dead, don't get me wrong - she just completely immersed herself in this new faith, and my Mom disappeared. I still had my mother -she did the laundry, meals, booked dentist appointments, but my Mom was gone. Vanished. Almost overnight. I used to come home from school and stand in the kitchen and talk about the inane details of my day, things I'm sure were ridiculous to her, but she made me think they were important. Suddenly every conversation carried immense weight. It all revolved around the Bible and what kind of witness I had been that day. This was at a time that I - arguably - needed her more than ever. I was a teen for crying out loud. I needed my Mom, not just a mother. It's a huge difference. I am determined it will be different for my girls. We've done "Best Thing/Worst Thing" since my oldest was in K-5. It's an easy way to start a conversation and find out how the day went even on days there isn't much to say. Believe me, there have been lots of days where the answer was Lunch/Math - always in that order.

I know I am old and not cool anymore - like I ever was - and I have the power to punish : ), but I want my kids to know they can talk to me about anything. Seriously. I know I am naieve and there are things I won't know until their kids tell on them, but it's important to try. It's also where people like my friend Ber come in. It's good to know they can ask her things they're too emabarrased to ask me, and know she'll not only give sound advice, but protect their confidence unless they're in danger.

Right now, I'm the old lady among a lot of my friends, and I hope we're a good example. Not that I think for a minute I've got it figured out or we don't embarrass ourselves on a regular basis, but I hope that at least somewhere along the way, they see us and think, "I look forward to that". My oldest told me this afternoon her French teacher toatlly mumbles, she had lunch with Jenny today but won't tomorrow because her lunch period changes like, everyday, a kid in her French class and his dad got stopped by a motorcycle cop on her way home from school and the boy looked like he wanted to cry, she has PE first period - "oh MY GOSH - so Gross Mom", and she saw Lauren today but only said "Hey" because it was kinda wierd and so they didn't stop to talk. Best thing? Lunch. Worst thing? There wasn't one, but it would have been Math if she had Math today. Anything interesting in that list to you? Me neither. Isn't it awesome?