sigh

This post has been difficult to write. I've actually been trying to compose it for days and have re-written it anout 12 times. The anonymity of my blog is limited b/c most of my "fan base" (hee hee) okay, readers, are my friends.

I let down a friend last week & I feel really lousy about it. Don't get me wrong, she's a good friend and I know she isn't upset - I know she still loves me : ) - but still, I hate this feeling. It was one of those times where I had to choose between my husband and my friend. Hmmm. It's brought up the whole issue of friendships between my husband & me. As a Pastor's wife, I have many friends, yet very few friends, know what I mean? Fewer still for him. It's complicated and wierd. Kinda like being the proverbial pretty girl that no one asks out 'cause everyone thinks she's busy or too cool for them, but sub "busy and holy" for "pretty and cool." : ) Most of the time, (ceratinly not always) if someone invites us out or over, they need to talk to my hubby about something. "My (wife, daughter, son, boss, mail man, gynocologist, dog walker) is driving me crazy!" Or, "So I have this friend, right?..." I really don't mind - I accepted it a long time ago. It's in the job decsription somewhere. The hard part is, in ministry, I'm out of practice of having real friends. It's also part of the job description. You construct a tidy little fence around your family, and guard it with all your might. Like in every profession, there are things about ministry you just don't "get" unless you are a pastor or pastor's wife. As an added bonus, every unguarded word & stupid thing you do is up for scrutiny. That is not a completely unreasonable thing for people to expect. With leadership comes responsibility. All that to say, it's hard to be relaxed and have genuine friendships because you can never be yourself completely. I am SO grateful I married my best friend or I'd have lost my mind a long time ago. Every stupid, and I have some doozies, thing I have said or done, R has witnessed or had relayed to him in living color. And he's okay with that. He knew what he was getting when he married me, and he knows I almost didn't marry him because I didn't want to be a "Pastor's Wife". I so don't fit the profile. But again, that's why he picked me. Bottom line, my friend, I'm sorry I pooped out on plans with short notice. You are a good friend and you deserve better. Again, I know you are over it, and think I am ridiculous for blogging it, but it's important to me to make it right.

This post is rambling and ridiculous, and I'm pretty sure I'll delete it shortly after I post it, but what the heck. It's post it or dump it. I don't want to see this draft again.