Happy Valentine's Day

I'm addicted to Post Secret - it's my favorite Sunday guilty pleasure.
Enjoy.

Best insults

None of these are original to me - they are credited to whoever spoke them - bless their hearts. These the things you wish you had said, or wish you were clever enough to think of.

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
Clarence Darrow


“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
Groucho Marx

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one.”
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.”
Winston Churchill’s response to George Bernard Shaw

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
Stephen Bishop

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
Irvin S. Cobb

“He had delusions of adequacy.”
Walter Kerr

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
Mae West

“Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!”
Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party

“Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!”
Winston Churchill’s response to Lady Astor

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
Robert Redford


"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
Oscar Wilde

"Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?"
Milton Berle

"Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week."
William Dean Howells

"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
Groucho Marx

"They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway."
Hunter S. Thompson

"You're a good example of why some animals eat their young."
Jim Samuels

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx (Okay, so it's not an insult, it was too good not to include)

"I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along."
Groucho Marx

"I thought men like that shot themselves."
King George V

"I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest."
Steven Pearl

"Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you."
Groucho Marx

"You were born with your legs apart. They'll send you to the grave in a Y-shaped coffin."
Joe Orton

"There goes the famous good time that was had by all."
Bette Davis

"She's been on more laps than a napkin."
Walter Winchell

"So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name."
Alan Bennett

Jobs I would HATE...

Not that you necessarily care, but these are jobs I would hate to do. My insomnia is back, you've all been prayed for, so I have to fill the time somehow...

1. Vet Tech - the one that puts the animals to sleep
2. School Bus Driver - I swear I would veer into oncoming traffic just for the time off
3. Disney World Mascot - Princesses included. Runny-nosed,bratty kids, demanding/pissed off moms, sweaty, frustrated dads...need I go on?
4. Clean restrooms at a Rest Area on the interstate
5. Proctologist - I don't know what you make but it isn't enough
6. Adult Theatre janitor...I definatly just threw up in my mouth
7. Massage therapist at at Senior Citizens Center
8. Taxidermist
9. Pimp - Seriously, I'm so not good with money
10. Amy Winehouse's maid
11. Anything related to pig farming - that stink don't wash off
12. Fur trapper
13. Mortician
14. Driving Test Examiner - I know how my first road test went...
15. Waitress in a honky tonk - is there even such a thing as a honky tonk any more?
16. Road kill cleaner upper
17. Chuck E Cheese employee. 'Nuff said.
18. Drug Mule
19. Roadie for the Rolling Stones - do you want to clean up after Keith Richards has been in the bathroom?
20. Body Guard for a gangsta rapper
21. Coal Miner
22. Finally and most importantly - A MIME. Serioulsy. No one likes a mime. NO ONE.

There's a lot more I'm sure, but I'm sure you're bored with my list. What would YOU hate to do?

Explain to me...

1. Why are there 12 hot dogs in a pack but only 8 buns?

2. What is Steve Miller talking about when he says he's "the pompadous of love" in The Joker? What the heck is a pompadous anyway?

3. Why does a 5 year old from London reciting the alphabet sound more intelligent than I do quoting Shakespeare? Damn that accent.

4. Why will my dog drink from the toilet and the pool but not from her water bowl if there's a hair in it?

5. Why do my children only vomit at night?

6. Who do I talk to about not hearing about or seeing Britney's vajayjay ever again?

7. Why does my mother think whispering "cancer" or "unwed mother" makes it less than what it is?

8. Who's idea was it to put an "s" in lisp? Isn't that a little mean?

9. Why does the bank charge me for insufficient funds IF I HAVE INSUFFICIENT FUNDS? Aren't we beating a dead horse? And who beats dead horsses anyway? What's that about?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me! It isn't original to me, but I had to add it)

11. Why do toasters have a setting to create charcoal?

12. Why does my gyno leave the office while I disrobe from the waist down when he's going to see more than I do when he gets back?

13. And finally, what's it supposed to mean "can't have your cake and eat it too"? What's the point of having cake in the first place if you're not going to eat it? Especially if it's Ber's grandma's Rum Cake.

AMAZING

There are no words. I laughed so hard at this site I think I peed a little. I've added it as a permanant link, but in the meantime, take a minute to check it out. Maybe your family is there.
http://listoftheday.blogspot.com/2007/09/great-olan-mills-photos.html

uptown problems

I heard an expression this morning that I've never heard before - at least if I have, I don't rememeber. One of the girls in my small group Bible study was commiserating with a co-worker about car trouble, internet issues, etc. He interrupted himself, and said, "You know what? These are uptown problems." In other words, let's get a little perspective. Hmmm... that's interesting. Perspective has been at the forefront of my thoughts a LOT recently. With my hubby in so much pain the past couple of weeks, I've had to run the show on my own. It's been rough, I won't lie, because he ususally helps - a lot. Keeping an eye on the gas gage, 9th grade algebra, letting the dogs out - little things that add up really quickly to a whole lot. Last Saturday as I was running errands, carrying my tree to the curb getting covered in sap and piercing parts I hadn't considered with fir needles, picking something mysterious out of the dogs' fur, etc, I started to feel a little sorry for myself. We had a rough holiday, and it wasn't getting better and showed no sign of letting up any time soon. Then, that still small voice reminded me, millions of single parents do this every day. I have an end in sight.
We are all so spoiled. My kids don't go to bed hungry, they don't wake up alone and afraid. My husband is faithful and loving. I have a good job, good friends, and a nice house. My clothes don't fit because I ate too much. My finances are tight because I spent too much. My schedule is busy because I say yes too much. These are uptown problems. I have nothing to complain about.
Honestly, do you?

Seven from 2007

Not original to me - this was my friend Jill's idea, but it got me thinking -something I have time to do since my insomnia is back...
Things I have learned or needed to be reminded of in 2007:

1. Cancer is not the worst thing in the world that can happen to me.

2. My babies are teens. OK, Sarah, aka Sadie, is only 12, but try telling her that doesn't count. They are everything to me, & my proudest accomplishment is my family. If I do nothing else well, I have good girls & a marriage I am proud of. We aren't perfect, but we're happy.

3. God is a just God. You reap what you sow. See # 2 with reference to my children. >: )

4. I take my husband for granted sometimes. He is amazing. He was beyond amazing when I had cancer & went through those wretched weeks of treatment. I am blessed. You should envy me. Not because of who I am, but who I have.

5. Real friends are rare, and are sometimes better than family.

6. I need to get my citizenship. I didn't expect to be here this long, and if we're going to be here, I want to vote. Otherwise, as I see it, I don't have the right to complain.

7. I still miss my Dad. He died 17 years ago next month & I still feel cheated by God. Maybe 2008 will be the year I finally get past that.

Incidentally, the photo on this blog is my reason for wanting to lose weight, so I can someday horrify all of you with my scandalous weight loss and alligator bag looking hiney.

See you in 2008.