a little mischief

Pay No Attention

2009-05-03T19:35:00.003-04:00

Hey - started a new blog. We're getting ready to move to Toronto next year and I thought I'd try something a little different. I'm keeping "A Little Mischief" - it's been fun. : )

The new blog is "Pay no attention to the woman behind that Pastor".

http://paynoattentiontothewoman.blogspot.com

Jesus Movie Spoofs

2009-04-02T12:04:00.002-04:00

I didn't create these and I know they've been around for awhile, but htey make me laugh EVERY TIME. It's how most of us view Jesus isn't it? Glad it's not accurate.
"Frank, you know what you did. I just can't repeat it because I'm Jesus."

2009-04-02T11:50:00.004-04:00

When we end a sermon series (usually a month long focus on one topic) we like to do something outside what you normally get in a typical church setting.

Here's the last'ender'
Under Construction - The series of talks was "Detours" on the life of Moses & the twists and turns of his life.

Prank Wars

2009-03-19T11:32:00.002-04:00

I'm not a big practical joker, but these are epic. I'm amazed at the commitment level.

And this is Streeter's response..

A little someting for the single ladies...

2009-03-06T15:05:00.003-05:00

Let me begin by saying I am not responsible if you A. Wet your pants laughing, B. Vomit on your keyboard or C. Poke out your own eyes. That being said, enjoy.

FreeBird

2009-02-22T16:15:00.001-05:00

My Pastor closed out a series of talks on "CHANGE" this morning. We closed out the series with FreeBird. I think our band was amazing.

Weezer break

2009-02-18T15:40:00.001-05:00

It's a crappy, rainy, cold day.

This makes it better.

Business Time

2009-02-17T13:59:00.000-05:00

This never gets old.

Happy Valentines Day! Man Cold

2009-02-14T10:57:00.003-05:00

Small Town Mom http://smalltownmom.blogspot.com/posted this and I thought it was HILARIOUS! If your husband (brother, son, father, insert male figure here...) has ever had the sniffles, this will make sense.

IGOR - Music Break

2009-02-10T12:59:00.004-05:00

I watched the movie Igor with my husband and kids last night and I laughed out loud at some of the lines. What an overlooked movie. This movie made for a really fun evening at my house and we'll be tossing lines like "blind orphans get everything!" at each other as inside/family jokes from now on.

It had a great soundtrack - pretty varied, but a fun playlist.
Thought I'd share some of the music, and if you haven't seen the movie - it's only an hour and a half. John Cusack, John Cleese, Steve Buscemi, Eddie izzard, Sean Hayes, Molly Shannon, Jennifer Coolidge - these are funny people.

I Can See Clearly Now - Jimmy Cliff

The Bigger the Figure - Louis Prima

Pennies From Heaven - Louis Prima

Stuff Old People Like

2009-02-05T11:35:00.002-05:00

My friend Brian sent this - THANK YOU! Hilarious!

From the site The Deep Friar
Here's the link...
http://deepfriar.wordpress.com/2008/07/08/more-things-old-people-like/

Big Cars
Have you ever driven a Buick or a Lincoln Continental? The slightest touch on the gas pedal will have the car zooming at 75 mph without you even realizing it. These cars are a dream for cruising down freeways at high speed.

Well, seniors just LOVE these cars. (Mainly, because they’re the only ones that can afford them!) But unfortunately, Grampa Jebediah or Old Aunt Gladys never drive these cars the way they’re supposed to be driven.

Instead, they proceed at a turtle’s pace. No wonder we call these cars “Boats”.

What a freaking waste of engine power.

I have a suggestion to the car manufacturers: Get rid of the V6 200-Horsepower engine, and replace it with a tiny putt-putt motor instead.

You’ll save a bundle on production costs, and your customers will never notice the difference.

All-you-can-eat Buffets
The Old Ladies especially get into this.

First, they’ll hover over all the different trays and admire the presentation and arrangement of the steaming food.

Next, they’ll debate over what to eat. After about 10 minutes they’ll finally start to painfully pick and chose every food morsel as if it was Christ’s Last Supper.

What next? Dear me, that pasta noodle looks good. I think I will try an olive next….Hmm…shall I have a meat ball?

These old biddies always seem to place themselves in front of the hungriest customer in the restaurant (namely….ME!).

I swear it’s deliberate.

When I can finally get around these culinary ding-dongs, it takes me about 5 seconds to slap the food on my plate and return to my seat.

By the time I’m done eating and going back for seconds, the Food-Gawkers could still be trying to fill up their first plate.

Short Hair
When women get to a certain age, they often get the classic O.B. haircut (O.B. being short for Old Bat)

You know the style. The hair is so short it’s almost a Marine brush-cut. For a slight trace of femininity, the top of the scalp might reluctantly be allowed to have a few curls.

For God’s sakes, WHY would anyone want to deliberately look this way?

My theory is that once a woman gets old enough, they achieve BAT status and no longer have to worry about dolling themselves up to look good. They’re too old to date and/or their husband is too old to be unfaithful and leave them.

So instead of messing with curls and bangs every day, they opt for the hairstyle that takes zero maintenance.

The Old-Bat cut is especially popular with the larger women.

Nothing like a closely-cropped scalp to make the head appear smaller and make the body look even more huge than it already is.

It’s only a matter of time before they start to shave themselves bald (and won’t the grand-kids just love THAT?)

Polyester
My mother once pointed out the “Polyester Ladies” to me as a kid. (Thanks, Mom!)

Once women reach that certain body mass, they’ll opt for the loose, comfortable clothing that fits all sizes. And Polyester, being that wonderful petroleum-based fabric, comes in all kinds of bright pastel colors.

It’s the perfect accessory to wear with the O.B. cut.

Hats
Wearing them is mandatory. Especially when driving.

You can see men start to do this in their 50’s. Once their aggressive driving days are behind them, they’ll start sporting a leather cap with a visor.

That’s the “Apprentice Hat” which they’re required to wear for several years while they gradually reduce their driving speed.

Once they’re the slowest driver on the street (and they’ve physically shrunken to the point where you only see their knuckles grabbing the steering wheel), they become a full-fledged Gray Head driver. At that point, they’re allowed to wear a full Fedora.

Someone too old to drive has attained Senior Gray Head status. They’re relegated to the back seat and as a sign of respect they no longer have to wear the hat.

They just coach the more junior Grey-Heads up front who are still driving.

Stories about Sickness and Death
When seniors approach their twilight years, they’re increasingly aware of their own mortality and hence feel the need to share their fears with you. Which basically involves endless misery stories about unfortunate people you don’t know and will never meet.

“I was taking to Mrs. McGillicuddy down the street…her cousin’s mailman had leprosy of the bowel. It was an horrible surgery, he was in the hospital for 16 weeks, and now he’s in a wheelchair and can only go to the bathroom while standing on his head and playing the accordion…

….but his daughter takes care of him. But then she got Jungle-Rot fever of the brain, and it ate our her eyes. So now she walks around the house with a seeing eye-dog, with empty sockets where her eyes used to be, trying to care of her poor father. But then the dog had to be put down because it strangled on the colostomy bag hose. It’s very sad, actually…”

(Okay! Okay!….I GET it!….Life sucks and we’re all going to DIE!….can I please go kill myself now?)

Sandal and Socks
The quintessential old-man stereotype: expensive leather sandals with black knee-length socks.

I’m trying to figure out where this came from. When did people EVER dress this way? Even back in the 1930’s …was this style EVER fashionable and cool?

I’m guessing…NOT.

In fact, I suspect that is was NEVER cool to wear sandals and socks together.

NEVER in the history of the whole planet.

It must be a phenomenon seniors invented. Because they could.

Small Dogs
The smaller. the better. And make they’re hyper and nippy, and hate everyone except the owner.

Bonus points, if it’s a wussy dog that needs to sweater to go outside.

The Mandatory Pilgrimage to Alaska
Okay, imagine every RV in the Lower 48, from Alabama to Wyoming, traveling up north.

Now imagine all these RV’s funneled together onto the only paved road within 500 miles.

Welcome to Alaska in July.

This Grey Invasion takes over the whole state. The average tourist age is about 72, because it’s mainly the elderly who who can afford the time off to travel up there.

The only 20-year-olds you’ll see are the ones working 15 hours a day in the restaurants and tourist traps, to serve the RV-crowd the Blue-Plate specials and Senior Discount Coffee.

If you want to visit Alaska un-crowded, my advice is to head up there in mid-August. By then, the nights will have started getting a bit chilly, and the Vast Grey Exodus reverses itself, as everyone starts heading south again.

Gigantic Sun-Glasses.
You know, the really big ones. That wrap almost all the way around the head, and cover half the face.

Why don’t you just get a welder’s mask, at this point?

Bag-Pipes
At a certain age, it’s like a dormant switch gets turned on:

“I’m old…Gee, it’s time I started liking the Bag-Pipes”.

This caterwauling sound tends to make all Seniors nostalgic and misty-eyed. Even the ones who never fought in a war, or who have no trace of Scottish blood, whatsoever.

If I ever start liking bag-pipes, you’ll know it’s time to put me down.

Lawn-Bowling
Seriously. Have you EVER seen anyone under 75 lawn-bowl?

Again, I think the age-related switch gets suddenly turned on, and people suddenly feel the urge to take up the game.

Same thing applies to square dancing…

Metamucil
If there’s one thing seniors don’t mess around with, it’s Number Two.

I used to stock shelves in a drug store. Believe me, this product was a big hit with the over-65 crowd.

(Anyway, I know my Grandma loved it).

Chevy Nova Award

2009-02-04T11:25:00.003-05:00

This list/post is not original or written by me. It is however - hilarious!
it's from Marketing Failure http://marketingfailure.blogspot.com/2007/09/funny-marketing-fiascos.html & I found while working on a project for work. It didn't apply to the project, but it was too good not to share.

These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is given out in honor of the GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America. "No va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go".
The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"
When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!

25 things...

2009-01-30T22:13:00.007-05:00

Fertilized! I accept the challenge!

1. I married the only boyfriend I ever had.

2. I am proud to be Canadian & look forward to moving to Toronto.

3. My kids are my proudest accomplishment. They are teens & we still have a great relationship. I don't just LOVE them, I actually LIKE them.

4. There are incidents from my past I will take to my grave.

5. I am very grateful for my faith. It was the only thing that got me through the death of my father. If I didn't know I would see him again in heaven, I don't know how I would have coped.

6. When I had cancer & went through radiation, I had nightmares that were so vivid I woke up crying and was awake for the rest of the night. I have never had nightmares like that before or since.

7. I think my cancer scar is a badge of honor.

8. I'm intimidated by every new person I meet & still intimidated by many of my friends. I constantly worry what people think of me. I think you are better than me because you are thinner, smarter, wittier, have better hair...

9. My husband refers to my mother as "the spoon" He's right. She is constantly stirring things up.

10. My nanny (grandmother) is closer to my heart than anyone other than my husband and kids. She took on the role of Mom to me when I was a teen. Her health is failing, she has Alzheimer's, & I am terrified of her dying.

11. I am a really cook cook. I am a decent baker, but a really good cook.

12. I performed well below my intellect and ability in college. My GPA sucked.

13. If I could do it all again, the only thing I would keep the same from my wedding is my groom.

14. I graduated from Bob Jones University. I am not proud of that.

15. I am a crappy friend. My husband is my best friend - i don't look for fulfillment in relationships with girlfriends.

16. I hate to talk on the phone.

17. My first kiss was with Jimmy Shearer, He had a very sexy Tom Selleck mustache.

18. I love mysteries - books, movies, TV.

19. I will never trust anyone named Timmons again. I know it's a ridiculous generalization, but it is what it is.

20. My high school English teacher had a crush on me. He'd probably be in trouble today.

21. I honestly believe I am capable of murder when it comes to protecting or avenging my daughters.

22. My dog Sophie makes me happy. She was a comfort during my cancer treatment.

23. I don't read my Bible or live out my faith like I should.

24. I regret not standing up for myself years ago. My mother & mother in law should be very grateful I have been a coward.

25. I think random movie stars are sexy - like Arnold Vosloo from the Mummy, 24. Brad Pitt, meh, not so much.

Cranberries

2009-01-30T13:03:00.003-05:00

We used this song as part of the service at church on Sunday - yeah, my church isn't like most churches - we're way better. You should have been here the week we did Pink Floyd. This week it's a little Lynyrd Skynyrd Freebird. But, that's a post for another day...check us out at LoudOnPurpose.com

Anyway, Dreams has been running a near constant loop in my head since - it's one of my all time favorite songs. Dolores O'Riordan has such a uniquely beautiful voice.

Thought you might enjoy it too.

Celebrity Morph by MyHeritage

2009-01-28T18:21:00.001-05:00

MyHeritage: Celebrity Morph - Geneology - Roots

Awesome

2009-01-28T14:30:00.002-05:00

My sister sent this to me. I peed a little I laughed so hard.
Enjoy.

Christmas Piracy

2008-12-16T14:34:00.003-05:00

Jon Acuff over at http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/ is my kind of guy. Loves Jesus, but not so much that he can't make fun of us church folk once in awhile - okay, often. But really, if we didn't give people so many reasons, it would be different. I'm just saying - being able to laugh at yourself - and anyone who falls downstairs - is the key to a happy life. With that in mind, I came across this ode to teh ubiquitous Christmas sweater. Lord have mercy, there's no end to these bespangled atrocities. A Christmas sweater is what happens when a box of Christmas ornaments vomits on a blanket. http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/ had a great take on the sweater - enjoy:

I think all women over the age of 40 have a hidden walk-in closet built into their houses that is full of bedazzled, bejeweled, and bespangled (which is a real word…click the link if you don’t believe me) Christmas sweaters. The day after Thanksgiving, they go into their secret chamber of wooly Christmas spirit and arrange the shelves of the closet like an advent calendar of sweatery splendor. They adorn each one proudly, with the majesty and merriment of all the snow angels in the world.

So, here’s the big question: how can you know if your Christmas sweater is truly Christmawesome?

Official Point System of Sweater Christmaweseomeness:

1. If your sweater has a nativity scene = +1 point

2. If your sweater has lights on it = +1 point

3. If your light is for Rudolph’s nose = -1 point

4. If your light is for the star of Bethlehem over your nativity scene = +4 points

5. If your sweater has actual bells and whistles from the Polar Express tied on by pieces of yarn = +2 points

6. If you can hear the bells = -2 points

7. If every time one of the bells rings, you get excited because an angel just got its wings = + 1 point

8. If your sweater has Luke 2 written out on it (the entire chapter) = +3 points

9. If it is KJV = +2 points

10. If it is actually a puff paint sweatshirt, which is really just a Christmas sweater wannabe = -3 points

11. If your sweater was knitted from the wool of a Bethlehemian sheep = +5 points

12. If you have more than 5 snowmen/women on your sweater = +2 points (+1 point for each additional snowperson)

13. If any of your snowmen are inspired by Calvin and Hobbes = +4 points

14. If it is a maternity sweater that reads “Mary is My Homegirl” = +10 points

15. If your sweater has stockings with your kids’ names on it = +1 point for each child

16. If the stockings are your kids’ used socks = -2 points for each sock

17. If it has a 3-D hologram of baby Jesus on it = +3 points

18. If it has candy canes on it = -4 points… I’m going to use this platform of SCL to take a stand against candy canes, a.k.a. carnage canes. Candy canes become sharp and dangerous once licked. It's like putting an ice pick in your mouth and poking it around. I'm sorry, but if I want the flavors of mint and blood to mix in my mouth, I'll go to the dentist. This injustice needs to stop now, so we're starting a boycott of candy canes effective immediately. I think it’s the Southern Baptist roots in me that really wanted to start a boycott. That’s why I started Humans Against Candy Knives, or H.A.C.K. Join the fight on the Facebook group I started.

19. If it has any other kind of cane on it= +2 points. This could be one of the wise men’s canes, sugar canes, or even hurricanes. Just as long as they’re not candy canes.

How did you score?

0-3 points= Sorry to break the news, but you might be a cotton-headed ninny-muggins.
4-7 points= You’re rockin’ a mighty fine piece of holiday merriment, my friend. Just don’t wear your sweater and your light up reindeer antlers at the same time. That would be tacky.
8-10 points= “Then adorn yourself with glory and splendor, and clothe yourself in honor and majesty.” –Job 40:10
11-13 points= Bill Cosby called. He wants his sweater back.
14+ points= You are the embodiment of Christmawesomeness. There are probably three men coming from afar to shower you with gifts as you read this.
Less than zero points= Apparently you love candy canes.

How Christmawesome are your Christmas sweaters? Please post links in the comments section to a picture of you sporting your sweater.

White Elephant Gifts

2008-12-10T14:35:00.005-05:00

Next to "Why don't we carpool!" no phrase strikes more fear & loathing in my heart than "I know! Let's do a White elephant" gift exchange. I am not one that fortune smiles upon and I usually end up with the pot holder your son made for you instead of the Yankee candle that smells like Santa. I'm not that competitive, but apparently I am greedy, petty and jealous based on my reaction.

There's no polite way to get out of it really. Honestly, no matter how valid your reason, you'll look like Scrooge. But I have discovered a way to enjoy the game. When your Sunday School teacher, Small Group Leader or Ladies Missionary Society leader invites you, this is how to play. You'll NEVER be invited to participate again.

1. Booze it up. Nothing stops a Baptist party faster than alcohol, or Satan Water as I've been told the Southern Baptists like to call it. Better still, take one out of that six pack and tell them "I owe you one."

2. A wallet. Not a new wallet. One of the guests wallets'. You gotta be quick, but while their back is turned, slip into their purse, grab that wallet & drop it a gift bag. Then, enjoy the awkwardness of "Wait, what? is that my wallet?" This is most effective if you snag the bag of the hyper-pious church lady who is directing the game and insisting that this is FUN!

3. Goldfish - A real goldfish - not the snack. Where's the fun in that? Besides, poodles are too hard to wrap.

4. Underwear - The less appropriate the better.

5. All your (or your really zealous neighbor's) leftover campaign stuff. Yard signs, bumper stickers...it's all good. In a church setting, this works best if it's pro-Democrat, but either way, you're guaranteed to make someone feel awkward.

I'm sure there are others, but that should get you started. Have fun!

Brain Candy

2008-12-06T12:36:00.003-05:00

Saw this on VH1 last night - pure cotton candy for your ears. Maybe you'd like to put cotton candy in your ears when you hear it, but I like it. It's one of the few music videos that I think I could manage the dance moves. Lots of walking in a straight line, pointing, hand gestures...I do that every day! Who knows, maybe one of them saw me tell the story of the mama raccoon who built a nest in our attic then one night dug a hole through the ceiling and the baby fell through on to the floor of the den. It's a great story with lots of hand gestures, walking and if the story is going well, even running. What? It could have happened. Anyway, just like cotton candy, I don't think I could take a steady diet or too much at once, but it's fun for a treat. Enjoy.

The End is near

2008-12-04T11:50:00.003-05:00

Okay, let me begin by saying I love Jesus. I really do. I work for him on a daily basis. Literally - I work at a church. I even went to - cue scary music - Bible college. duh duh duh! However, I don't consider myself a church lady. I don't think Hurricane Katrina was God's judgement on the city of New Orleans or the state of Louisiana. Good grief - you've already got Britney and her clan - how cruel do you think God is? I don't think Barack Obama is the Anti-Christ any more than I thought John Mc Cain was our Saviour.

Over the years, I have seen some stange stuff - people putting their car keys and wedding rings in an offering plate... a woman that smashed her porcelain doll collection because they were like idols... a baptistry that overflowed when a woman of considerable girth stepped into the water...I once even saw two guys synchronized swimming in the baptistry.

But this, this is the craziest "church thing" I have ever seen. Seriously. What is wrong with this child? More importantly, what is wrong with the adults here? Are you kidding me? I'm all about letting little Jimmy get up there and toss out a mangled chrus of "Jesus Loves Me", but this, this is snake handlin' crazy to me. Dear Lord baby Jesus help these people. Amen.

Letters to Santa

2008-12-02T14:38:00.001-05:00

Found these on Scuba.com when googling "Funny Letters to Santa" for a project at work. Thought they were hilarious. Enjoy.

deer santa:

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I
send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the craps and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making oys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I give
them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the butts of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping
your house.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't
work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your butt
kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

I Like Kittens

2008-11-21T10:46:00.001-05:00

Dr. Toni over at http://healthwise-everythinghealth.blogspot.com had this posted on her blog and it was too good not to steal. The church my family was part of when I was growing up still had a mindset like this - in the 80's. Not everyone, but some, thought my parents wasted their money sending me to University. Why bother? My goal should have been just to get married - that was my purpose. Don't get me wrong - I am happily married for 18 years to a wonderful man & I have two great kids. They're teenagers and I still like them. And, I consider my solid marriage and two normal (as normal as teens ever are) daughters the best and most important things I have accomplished. Wow. This started out as a funny post - sorry for bringing down the room.

Enjoy.

So I don't have to buy you a gift now, right?

2008-11-12T09:44:00.002-05:00

From CNN.com, comes news about the newest attack on Christmas. Good Lord people. Oops. I said Lord. Sorry to impose my faith on you. But on the other hand, if you're this put off by Christmas, I don't need to buy you a gift, right?
Thanks for planting that "seed of rational thought". Wow, you're right, it's already working!
Group's new Christmas message: Be good, not godly

WASHINGTON (AP) -- You better watch out. There is a new combatant in the Christmas wars.

Ads proclaiming, "Why believe in a god? Just be good for goodness' sake," will appear on Washington buses starting next week and running through December.

The American Humanist Association unveiled the provocative $40,000 holiday ad campaign Tuesday.

In lifting lyrics from "Santa Claus is Coming to Town," the Washington-based group is wading into what has become a perennial debate over commercialism, religion in the public square and the meaning of Christmas.

"We are trying to reach our audience, and sometimes in order to reach an audience, everybody has to hear you," said Fred Edwords, spokesman for the humanist group.

"Our reason for doing it during the holidays is there are an awful lot of agnostics, atheists and other types of nontheists who feel a little alone during the holidays because of its association with traditional religion."

To that end, the ads and posters will include a link to a Web site that will seek to connect and organize like-minded thinkers in the D.C. area, Edwords said.

Edwords said the purpose isn't to argue that God doesn't exist or change minds about a deity, although "we are trying to plant a seed of rational thought and critical thinking and questioning in people's minds."

The group defines humanism as "a progressive philosophy of life that, without theism, affirms our responsibility to lead ethical lives of value to self and humanity."

Last month, the British Humanist Association caused a ruckus announcing a similar campaign on London buses with the message: "There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life."

In Washington, the humanists' campaign comes as conservative Christian groups gear up their efforts to keep Christ in Christmas. In the past five years, groups such as the American Family Association and the Catholic League have criticized or threatened boycotts of retailers who use generic "holiday" greetings.

In mid-October, the American Family Association started selling buttons that say "It's OK to say Merry Christmas." The humanists' entry into the marketplace of ideas did not impress AFA president Tim Wildmon.

"It's a stupid ad," he said. "How do we define 'good' if we don't believe in God? God in his word, the Bible, tells us what's good and bad and right and wrong. If we are each ourselves defining what's good, it's going to be a crazy world."

Also on Tuesday, the Liberty Counsel, a conservative Christian legal group based in Orlando, Florida, launched its sixth annual "Friend or Foe Christmas Campaign." Liberty Counsel has intervened in disputes over nativity scenes and government bans on Christmas decorations, among other things.

"It's the ultimate grinch to say there is no God at a time when millions of people around the world celebrate the birth of Christ," said Mathew Staver, the group's chairman and dean of the Liberty University School of Law. "Certainly, they have the right to believe what they want, but this is insulting."

Best-selling books by authors such as Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens have fueled interest in "the new atheism" -- a more in-your-face argument against God's existence.

Yet few Americans describe themselves as atheist or agnostic; a Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life poll from earlier this year found 92 percent of Americans believe in God.

There was no debate at the Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority over whether to take the ad. Spokeswoman Lisa Farbstein said the agency accepts ads that aren't obscene or pornographic.

Copyright 2008 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

Interesting Find

2008-11-11T13:29:00.004-05:00

Miss Cellaneous posted this on her blog, (http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/18626) and I thought it was interesting. Makes me feel kinda boring. The sphere ring is pretty cool, so is the Remember ring, but personally, I think the DNA ring is nasty. Somehow, wearing my hubby's DNA on my hand is a little Silence of the Lambs. "It wears the ring on it's hand or else it gets the hose!"

Anyway, enjoy.

Once upon a time, wedding bands were plain gold, or more likely gold plated. Their value was in the symbolism. “Look, I’m married!” or “Forget him; he’s married.” Today many who tie the know want something that also symbolizes their individual styles, or rings to set this pair apart from other couples. These individualistic rings not only tell you that someone is married, they can often tell you who they are married to, if you can find the other unique ring in the crowd.

Binary Rings
With a binary ring, you can engrave a coded message of your choice, up to 20 characters. They will be rendered in up to five lines of binary code, perfect for the romantically-inclined computer geek!

Decoder Rings
Cory Doctorow of Boing Boing is getting a decoder ring to use as a wedding ring. This one has three rotating bands that can be lined up to decode secret messages. He’s now looking for a proper code.

Intertwined Rings
Rings that intertwine with each other are quite symbolic. They look great together, but I don’t know how comfortable they would be to wear apart.
Nuts and Bolt Rings
Kiley Granberg designed a wedding ring set as a nut and bolt. Perfect for the mechanically-minded couple. This is symbolic on more than one level, if you know what I mean.

Ethernet Rings
Taking the connectivity idea a little further, Jana Brevick designed Cat-5 Rings that connect with each other by ethernet connectors. They are available at her Etsy store.

USB Rings
Jennifer Flume developed the USB Flash Drive Swarovski Crystal Engagement Ring. The two wearers can connect the rings and share data! This is a concept project only.

Sphere Rings
It would be cool to have a ring that you could play with. This sphere ring made by acanthusleaf is modeled on a historical pattern that has four rings hinged at different points. Update: Laurie Cavanaugh, who made this ring, has them available at the Mad Jeweler’s Workshop.

Remember Rings
There are even rings with embedded technology. The Remember Ring will remind you of your anniversary by getting hotter! Too bad it’s only a concept and not available for sale… yet.

Coin Rings
Make your own wedding rings is an individual statement, and will save money, too! You can make rings out of coins, but keep in mind that it is illegal to deface US currency. Still, not all coins are US currency. Watch a video of a similar process here.

Bone Rings
What could be more individual than your own DNA? Scientists and artists have collaborated to make rings out of the wearer’s bone tissue. The tissue is taken from a wisdom tooth and grown on a scaffold in the laboratory. However, the original company website is no longer active.

Fingerprint Rings
Just yesterday, I saw a fingerprint ring (which inspired this post). This guarantees that you’ll never see anyone else with exactly the same ring! Fingerprint rings are available in many styles. Rings by Gerd Rothmann feature a fingerprint that resembles a charm on top. Jeweler Andrew English does commissioned wedding rings with the fingerprint inside or outside.

On the Other Hand

2008-10-24T18:35:00.005-04:00

Okay, last post was what I love, let's switch to what I'm tired of...

Stupid commercials. I hate the new Routon car commercials with Brooke Shields. They aren't clever - they're just stupid.

People who take up two parking spots for their car. If you're that worried, get a cheaper car or park further away. Please.

Politics. I can't wait for this election to be over. The nasty campaigning on both sides is out of control.

Laziness. I have no patience for you if you are lazy.

People who vote based on party or race. If you're voting for McCain because he's Republican or Obama because he's black, you're an idiot. Vote based on what you believe and what they stand for. Pay attention.

People who don't discipline their kids and expect the rest of us to be fine with it when their little cloven hooves go running past and over us. It's not cute. It's not funny now and it won't be funny in 10 years when they get sent to juvy.

Viagra commercials. Maybe some day when I'm a dusty old cougar and need to get a little sumthin' sumthin' I won't find it so offensive, but today, right now, eewww. And, not for nothing, I'm sure Elvis would be thrilled to see what you've done with Viva Las Vegas. Not bad enough he's buried in the backyard like a family pet, now look what you've done.

People who complain about the current economy but haven't changed their lifestyle. We're in this mess because we were greedy and made bad decisions. I realize that's not true for everyone, but for most of us, it is. Grow up, suck it up, and take responsibility for your own actions.

Okay, enough for now. It's actually been a nice day off, relaxing, reading, watching some cheesy old horror movies, but I had a conversation with my daughter and it made me think. She mentioned a conversation she had with a friend who has more disposable income than most of my working adult friends, and although I love that friend of hers, she needs a good spanking.

On that happy note, what are you tired of?

Mmmm

2008-10-21T21:57:00.004-04:00

As I type, I'm sitting in my bed eating Ritz crackers and drinking a glass of white wine as I watch TV. My husband is still at work - he had counseling session with a couple that 's struggling and then stuck around to help a friend with a project, he's THAT good of a guy.

Ritz crackers are just about my favorite snack - second only to hot buttered toast. mmm. Toast. Great, now I want toast, but not enough to get out of bed. So, my blog tonight will be filled with deep thoughts - what are my favorite things? Because inquiring minds want to know, right?

Hmm, let's see...
Toast
Ritz
The really good feeling you get when you pull up your socks or take off nylons/panty hose
My mom's homemade bread - okay, I'm four items in and 3 of the 4 are food
80's music - I'm a sucker for Tears For Fears, the Police, The Cars, old Prince, Howard Jones, Elvis Costello...big hair & shoulder pads - bring it on
My husbands' lame jokes.
Lists. I love lists. They make me happy.
I like being Canadian. We just had a federal election. Any of my American friends know that? Probably not. But, that's okay, I'm Canadian, so I'll still be your friend. : )
I like when my dog Sophie sleeps next to me. I admit I'm the one who made thought my sister was ridiculous about her dog, and now I am the same way.
Washing my hands - I admit that I am obsessive - people germs, actually stranger germs - freak me out. I wash my hands about 10-15 times a day - not totally OCD, but I think they'd be impressed by my efforts.
Dwight Shrute - Rainn Wilson's character on the Office makes me LAUGH.
List of the Day. Awesome. Some of it's a little saucy for my taste, but most of it makes me laugh my rear off. AND it's a list. God bless you Cary.

I can't focus enough to write anything else. What makes you happy?

Random 80's Music of the Day

2008-10-16T12:28:00.003-04:00

It's been a hectic/stressful couple of weeks, so I've been rolling through my "comfort music" to mellow out. Usually that means James Taylor, who my husband refers to as my "audio prozac" for his abilty to stop me dead in the midst of an insane rant. Lately though, I've been perusing my 80's soundtracks. They aren't all music greats or timeless classics, some of them are more like Twinkies. Junk food for your ears. No nutrional value, but still delicious. Please to enjoy.

A little Glass Tiger

Elvis Costello

Howard Jones

Corey Hart - not the one who used to be married to Pink

And what 80's list would be complete without a little Depeche Mode?

30 Day Sex Challenge

2008-09-23T10:19:00.001-04:00

What do you think?

30-Day Sex Challenge
This sermon series had unexpected benefits.
by Sam O'Neal

There was no excuse for saying no: the pastor ordered his parishioners to have sex. Lots of sex.

When the staff at Relevant Church in Tampa, Florida, wanted to conduct a sermon series on relationships, they chose to focus on sex. The 30-Day Sex Challenge dared married couples to hop between the sheets—and non-marrieds to abstain—every day for a month.

Some church members, especially wives, reacted with skepticism. "At first the women thought this was all about sex," said lead pastor Paul Wirth, but he noted that most came around quickly. "This challenge no longer allowed men to come home from work and not help out around the house, not help out with the kids, and not meet his wife's needs—and then expect there to be fireworks in the bedroom," Wirth added.

But husbands, too, benefited from the challenge in ways that were more than physical. "My wife and I discovered that [the challenge] opens the door for communication into every aspect of our lives," one man said, "and that is just what we needed."

And speaking of benefits, the media coverage surrounding Relevant's challenge helped increase attendance by 15 percent.

Can't Wait

2008-09-06T16:35:00.002-04:00

I can't wait to see this movie. The trailer is only moderately funny but I adore Ricky Gervais. It's okay if you don't who he is - silly Americans! We can still be friends, I'll just continue to think of myself as slightly superior to you. >: ) You do know his work - hello? The Office...Extras... Anyhoo - he's brilliant. Even if it's only "okay" it's still worth it to me. Enjoy.

Obama's Been Rick Rolled

2008-08-29T23:07:00.002-04:00

I didn't create it, it isn't a political statement, but it is darn funny. At least to me, and this is my blog, dang it!

Top Ten Reason to Get Out of Bed.

2008-08-27T15:59:00.000-04:00

Let me think...why do I get out of bed...

10. I have to go to work. Evil plans don't hatch themselves.

9. Coco has to go out and will not stop licking my face/Sophie has to go out and won't stop "talking" to me. Roy won't get up and do it.

8. Can't find the remote.

7. Roy's freakishly loud snoring is redirecting air traffic.

6. I have to pee.

5. Dough in any form...donuts, toast, pancakes, french toast, muffins, soufflé...okay soufleé isn't technically dough, but it's still worth getting up for.

4. One of my daughters are lying in a pool of their own sick. And they might drown in it. And the smell has drifted to my room. And it's on the carpet - or if you're like my sister, on the door handle...

3. Alien abduction.

2. Denzel needs me. Doesn't really matter why.

1. Birth Control. Lots and lots of birth control.

Tagged by TBM

2008-08-15T16:20:00.002-04:00

Seven things about me...

1. I am just as proud to be a Canadian as you are to be American.

2. I am obsessed with BBC America.

3. I can tie a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue.

4. Sarah's Patio Red from Chrysalis is currently my favorite wine.

5. I grew up Catholic and got to be on the TV show Mass for Shut-ins when I was 10.

6. My Dad was one of the funniest and smartest men ever - he gave up everything to be a teenage dad. He's still my hero.

7. I don't really like "store-bought" cookies, only homemade. The only exception is Oreo - mmmm, Oreo's.

Insults of the Day

2008-08-14T10:33:00.004-04:00

In the past 2 weeks I have been told, overheard or been told of the following:

Are you bringing your friend? Yeah you should so you won't hang around with us.
(My daughter's friend, who needs her filter fixed, to another girl in the Youth Group)

You have the body of a 12 year old boy. Not in an attractive way. (Said to my friend P - a triathlete - by a male co-worker. So, there is a way a 12 year boy is attractive to you? ewww)

Your boobs really are too big. They're real? (Seriously? Yes they're real. One word if you paid for boobs and they look like mine - MALPRACTICE.)

Wow, you really have put on weight.

Yeah, the music at church doesn't really work for me. What's the point of it really? No offense.
(You know I'm on the Arts team right? Why do people think it's okay to say whatever they want if they say "no offense" first? If that makes it okay, then just let me say your breath smells like a dirty diaper. No offense.)

There's more, but I've buried them so I can function without my latent Tourette's taking over.

I'm Baaack.

2008-08-13T18:31:00.007-04:00

K, so I spent last week in the Bahamas. Sounds glamorous, maybe exotic. Hold it. This was no vacation- it was a service project/missions trip through my church. For several reasons which cannot be listed since the internet is not as anonymous as some like to think, : ) - let it be sufficient to say it was a full week, and leave it at that. Rough start to the trip - American Airlines lost our bags, one of the leaders on the other team joining us had a grand mal seizure, a second leader got the flu and a body washed up on shore in front of the hotel. This was the first 24 hours. Welcome to the Bahamas mon. Things improved significantly after that - no more corpses, autopsy reports - (one of the girls on the other team thought it would be a good idea to give John Doe mouth-to-mouth, despite the fact he'd been in the water for a couple of days...). The biggest hurdle for us after that was the breath-taking heat. Don't get me wrong, I live in Virginia, it gets hot here. But the Bahamas in August has the climatic equivalent to a dryer full of towels halfway through the cycle. Seriously. Next time you - or whoever you con into it - does a load of laundry, open the dryer when the towels have been tumbling for about 20 minutes and take a nice deep breath. That hot, wet, suffocating feeling is how the Bhamas feel this time of year. I haven't walked around with underwear that soggy since before I was potty trained. Don't get me wrong - Nassau is a beautiful place and New Providence is a beautiful island. The people are warm and friendly, very gracious hosts. It's just HOT this time of year (It's hurricane season) - last Thursday was 111 when you factor in the heat index, and dang it, if you were there you'd count it too.

All that to say, it's good to be home. I'm grateful for my friends who were kind enough to move into my house and take care of my daughters, my pool and my dogs, and I'm really grateful for the AC in my house and my car. And since in the Bahamas gas is over $6 & milk is over $8 a gallon - I'll stop complaining about prices - at least for a little while. Until I forget & start to take things for granted again.

Movie Franchises that Need to End

2008-07-31T16:15:00.003-04:00

This list is from EW - some I agree with more than others(Austin Powers), some I've never even seen the first installment (American Pie, Starship Troopers). The commentary is theirs - my comments are after in parentheses.
The complete list is at http://www.ew.com/ew/gallery/0,,20215564,00.html

NATIONAL LAMPOON
If your franchise is using Paris Hilton as a last resort, you know its time to put it to bed (and, no, not Hilton's bed). Though National Lampoon started out on a good foot (hello, National Lampoon's Vacation and Animal House!), once Girls of National Lampoon's Strip Poker was released, we realized the franchise was ready to fold.
(Anything Paris Hilton is attached to - I want no part. I don't have all the necessary shots. You get free herpes with every DVD purchased.)

FRIDAY THE 13TH
Okay, so 2009's Friday the 13th is a remake and not necessarily part of the slasher franchise. Still, that doesn't excuse the slew of Jason films — 11 in total! — that somehow found their way onto the big screen. We were happy to visit Camp Crystal Lake just the once, thankyouverymuch.
(At the risk of sounding like a purist, why do we feel compelled to re-make horror classics? Psycho, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Carrie... The first Friday the 13th was great 'cause we didn't know any better, AND it had a sassy Kevin Bacon. Why bother remake it?)

THE MUMMY
We dug the Brendan Fraser-Rachel Weisz action film the first time around, but when it comes to the third film — in theatres Aug. 1, eight long years after the second installment — we think this mummy should have stayed in its tomb.
(Love the Mummy series - first one was definately the best)

AMERICAN PIE
The dirty high school comedy rightly cooked up legions of teenage fans, thanks to its illicit appeal and, of course, the always reliable Eugene Levy. But after two sequels, and a string of terrible straight-to-DVD flicks starring the ever-annoying Stifler family, we suddenly had a second reason to dread band camp.
(Never saw it. Feel a little self-righteous about that)

BRING IT ON
I said, Brr! It's cold in here! Must be our reaction to the never-ending Bring It On films! The three installments following the original 2000 film were so terrible, not even a squad of spirit fingers could save the franchise.
(Never saw it - my kids like them - I think)

AUSTIN POWERS
Somewhere between Mr. Bigglesworth and Alotta Fagina, we fell in love with Mike Myers' James Bond spoof. But the comedian's shtick became all too predictable with its two sequels. Even before Goldmember, the International Man of Mystery was starting to make us bored, baby.
(Could have done without Fat Bastard & the guy eating his own skin. Lets hope The Love Guru 2 never sees the light of day)

SAW
Once Dr. Lawrence Gordon (Cary Elwes) began cutting his own foot off with a rusty saw, we were done. And yet, a fifth installment is on its way into multiplexes.
(My - otherwise perfectly normal - friend Angela loves these. Ugh.)

INDIANA JONES
Sure, the first three Indy flicks were solid enough to be considered classics, but we'd rather stand in a pit of snakes than see this year's humdrum Kingdom of the Crystal Skull again. Too bad George Lucas didn't take note — he's said he hopes to release a fifth film. But if Indy's dad, played by Sean Connery, isn't going to make any more appearances, we'll just stick to Celebrity Jeopardy.
(Kingdom was crap - aliens? Seriously?)

SCARY/EPIC/SUPERHERO/DATE MOVIE
None of these tasteless, unfunny flicks even come close to holding a candle to 1980's Airplane, the prime example of a spoof done right. And at least the Airplane folks had the good sense to make only one terrible sequel.
(I really agree with this one. These movies are useless. Even when if I'm home with the flu and too sick to move, I'll muster the strength to at least roll over on the remote. CNN is funnier.)

THE LAND BEFORE TIME
Baby dinosaur Littlefoot found the leaf and found his mother. All was well. Now, if only the animated kidflick series went extinct so we wouldn't have to endure its 12 sequels.
(I'm sorry, 12 friggin' sequels? Real dinosaurs didn't live this long. Where's an ice age when you need one?)

I'd add the Star Wars franchise to this list, but some of the Star Wars geeks know where I live, and if they ever come out of their mom's basements, I'm in trouble.

Like I said, the rest of the list is at EW.com - feel free to stop by.

Deadliest Dream

2008-07-29T06:26:00.002-04:00

I could not fall asleep the other night and was determined not to take Ambien again because even though they tell me it isn't addictive I don't believe them. I know my personality. I am addicted to the TV show Intervention about people with addictions. Don't tell me I can't be addicted to something. I'll take it as a challenge.

Anyway, as I tossed as turned - actually sighed and rolled would be a more accurate description - I could not get my mind to stop. I could not turn it off. I ended my night with the season finale of Dealiest Catch. I am not a Sex and the City gal - I'm a Deadliest Catch woman. Give me Edgar Hansen in rain gear over SJP in Prada any day. Earlier the family had watched what may be the worst movie available to the public, Grizzly Park - of course you've never heard of it - the actors in the movie don't put it on their resumé. I've seen better acting on YoGabbaGabba. One of the last scenes is a tarty little thing being attacked by a grizzly and seeeing her silicone breast implant sail through the air in slow motion. Yeah. It was THAT good. My husband is forbidden to choose movies ever again. My daughter wanted something scary - and in his defense, that's tricky to find for a 12 year old who isn't as brave - or old - as she'd like to think she is. There's either naked people running around or f-bombs in every sentence. Other than the "inside of a boob shot" there wasn't a lot of that in this movie. Anyway, my mind is wandering - that stupid movie, summer school, the boy in my daughter's class who she has known for 6 years but is pretending he doesn't know her because she goes to church, the mission trip we leave on in a week and a half, my grandmother's deteriorating health, finances, and the fact I have developed itchy palms and the soles of my feet are crawling for no apparent reason.

Anyway, I finally fall asleep, and I am jolted awake horror movie style to a clap of thunder so loud I may have peed. Just a little. Wow. Lightening so bright I could read the clock across the room. So bright I could read if it lasted long enough. Toss toss toss, sigh sigh sigh, back to sleep. More thunder. Aaggghh. Awake.Back to sleep, itchy hands. Not quite back to sleep...barking dog. Back to sleep - Deadliest Catch.

I dreamed I was madly in love with - and he with me - Edgar Hansen. If that's not weird enough, his brother Sig is in love with me. (In the dream obviously - both are happily married from what I hear. Not that I hear a lot, seeing I don't know them...anyway...awkward). I'm talking rolling around on the beach - on rocks, 'cause it's Alaska - love. Uncomfortable yet? I am. I tear myself away from Sig because "I love Edgar, I love Edgar I tell you, this isn't right!" and run to Edgar who is waiting and forgives me for kissing his (kinda crazy eyed, slightly unstable in my opinion) older brother. Um, what?

I feel it's important to note I didn't go to bed intoxicated, I did not eat Indian food, nor is there a gas leak - I am aware of - in my room. I am also the least romantic woman alive. Anyway, just thought I'd share a window into my insanity, so later, when I really do snap, you'll be able to testify, "Well your Honor, there was this one time she talked about kissing a Norweigan crab fisherman. Does that help?"

Cheesy 80's memories of the Day

2008-07-22T14:20:00.004-04:00

Back in the day - which was a Wednesday by the way - (thank you Dane Cook) - I loved these songs. Don't judge me - once upon a time you were 17 too - are you proud of all your choices? I didn't think so. I'm so upset, I need to go make my hair bigger (thank you Amy Poehler).

Some of them aren't great songs & they're all victims of the 80's video style (in the best way) but I have memories tied to them that make them good songs by default. Enjoy - or endure - whatever!

Eurythmics "Sweet Dreams" - my favorite song of the decade (at least for today) is protected so I couldn't post it - I'd sing it for you instead, but that's just not fair to any of us is it?

Paul Young - Every Time You Go Away

Billy Idol - White Wedding

Big Country - In a Big Country

Sweet baby James! Have you seen Pete Byrne lately? He's a she now. Frightening transformation even on the very forgiving Tranny Scale.

Totally under-rated Queen song - Somebody to Love. Besides, Freddy mercury in that white unitard makes me smile. I wish had that kind of self-confidence.

Thompson Twins - Hold Me Now
Who knew they weren't really twins? Did not see that coming.

There's 1000 more, but I'll not bore you any longer. I'm off to untangle the banana clip from my hair.

I think this guy used to live in my car...

2008-07-15T18:48:00.001-04:00

My kids are at Camp this week. My house is QUIET. It's nice. Don't get me wrong - I love my daughters, they are good girls and we have a lot of fun together, but a week away...absence makes the heart grow fonder - that's all I'm saying.

I have the TV on or I listen to my iPod while I clean so it's not totally quiet, but mostly I have noticed that my house is REALLY CLEAN. I mean showroom clean. I cleaned this weekend, AND MY HOUSE STILL LOOKS GOOD. I could sell it tomorrow. Of course I don't include their bedrooms in this description. If furniture could have a flu virus, I would understand the way Sarah's room looks. To my untrained eye it appears that her dresser, desk, and bed have vomited their contents onto her floor. The closet is tidy. There is one lonely skirt on a hanger and a single furry pink slipper on the floor. Ceilidh's room is better - it appears her room just has a hangover, but Sarah...sweet baby james, that ain't right.

At least it's limited to their rooms now. When my girls were little, based on the smell and level of trash in my car, I'm pretty sure there was a homeless guy living in the back seat. I never actually saw him, but the evidence was there. I mean my kids swore they didn't leave the PBJ stuck to the back of the seat, or step on the not-quite-empty juice box and spray it all over the roof of the car. They didn't dump the fries on the floor to leave them sticking up like bamboo spears at the bottom of a Viet Cong pit. They had no idea whose shoe, sock, giraffe, lego, Mr. Potato Head eye or Barbie leg was jammed between the seats. Now that they're teens, I think I've got a hooker. Clothes, lip gloss, occasionally there's money... again - haven't seen her, but what else could it be?

Anyway, I think I'm going to go revel in my tidy nest. The circus comes back into town on Friday.

And then the BE-ARR li-ked the HONE- Y

2008-06-26T15:09:00.002-04:00

One of the funniest men alive is Gerry Dee. I honestly laughed until I had tears running down my face when I first heard his stuff. He's Canandian - you're welcome.

Ahhhh.

2008-06-24T12:37:00.007-04:00

My out of town guests ( hubby's brother and his family - think FLDS minus the child brides) left at 4;30 Saturday morning. So, I kicked my butt to get my Saturday chores done, then took a couple of hours to sit by the pool and read. I finished Middlesex. Quite the book I must say.

Anyway, here's the backyard. Take a mental health break, listen to the waterfall, smell the fresh cut grass (unless you have allergies, in which case go take a benadryl and come back)...

Charlie the Unicorn

2008-06-19T22:41:00.000-04:00

I know this has been around for awhile, but I came across it again the other day. It still makes me laugh.
Shun the unbeliever. Shuuuunnnnah.

Happy Father's Day

2008-06-15T14:16:00.004-04:00

This was our Father's Day tribute at church last year. See - not all churches and church people are evil, and judgemental! Some of us are just crazy.

That's my backyard. Mike Z. (graphics guy) & Christian G. (Youth Pastor)
fairoakschurch.org
thanks to barats and baretta for the original idea

Ain't no Sunshine

2008-06-14T15:45:00.004-04:00

I've been sitting in my backyard - WHICH I LOVE - on my day off listening to Big100.3. I was floating in the pool and know better than to tempt fate and listen to my hubby's ipod while I'm bobbing around. It won't end well. End of discussion.

The past couple of weeks have been very busy - new sermon series at church, my daughters 15th birthday, choir competions, field trips,concerts,the storms that knocked out the power for 3 days...

Anyhoo, they had a great playlist this afternoon - kind of random in some ways, but fun. David Bowie, Carole King, Heart, Journey & Cheap Trick (the last three are touring together this summer). Since my kids control the CD player in the car - before you think I'm a wimp for letting them have their way, keep in mind it lets me keep an ear out for who and what they are filling their heads with - I forget how much good music is NOT on the top 40 staion I'm usually stuck listening to.

So, in honor of Big 100's playlist from today & all the good music I've ignored, here's a list of some of my favorites from todays' playlist, in no particular order. Some of them aren't even great songs but I have great memories attached to them:

James Taylor - Carolina on My Mind - James Taylor is audio prozac for me - he relaxes me. This song reminds me of my daughter - I had this CD in the car when she was little and we used to sing along.

Jimi Hendrix - Foxy - Always see Dana Carvey in Wayne's world when I hear this song - not sure that's what Jimi had in mind, but still funny to me. Also reminds me of my younger daughter Sarah - she has Carvey's little twitchy moves down.

Cheap Trick - I Want You to Want Me - Elementary School. Bruce Mac Neil. Sigh.

Led Zeppelin - Black Dog - Robert Plant. One of my first Rock Star crushes even though he was 100 years older than me

Queen - Killer Queen. Today they are my favorite band. I'm not a super fan - I don't know where they were all born or who Freddy Mercury's orthodontist was (or should have been), but they are an amazing group of musicians

Tom Petty - Free Fallin' - how do you not love this song? Plus, Petty gives hope to band geeks all over the world - have you seen his wife?

Beatles - Obla di Obla da - Not even close to being spelled right, but it's my new favorite Beatles song. I know, it's no Yesterday or Hey Jude, but it makes me happy, and this is my blog and the song makes me happy so there.

Bill Withers - Ain't No Sunshine - I am the least romantic woman alive, but this is my idea of a beautiful, romantic song - he bares his heart without stupid lyrics like Fergie's "miss you like a child misses their blanket". Give me "this house ain't a home any time she goes away" any day.

CCR - Have You Ever Seen the Rain - CCR reminds me of my dad. He was cool.

Springsteen - I'm on Fire - Not his best song according to hard core fans, but whatever - I'm not from Jersey.

Steve Miller - STILL don't know what the the crap a "pompatus of love" is, but love the song.

Wild Cherry - Play That Funky Music - Reminds me of wedding receptions when all the whitey's in the room hear this, take it as a challenge, pound down the Chardonnay and get up to prove every stereotype ever tossed out about us and our dancing.

There's more, but you've been a good sport to stick with it this long. Thanks for indulging me.

Tagged

2008-06-11T21:26:00.006-04:00

I chose to be tagged by Audra - the only Mom I know more sarcastic than I am. We've never met, but I enjoy her blog - The Tale of the Shrinking Boobies http://shrinkingboobies.blogspot.com/. It was named for her journey from a J cup - you heard me - to a DD. Sweet Lord. She's past it, but kept the title. Anyhoo - she tagged all her regulars and lurkers, and since I am emotionally incapable of passing up a list...

Tagged

1. What was I doing ten years ago?

I moved to Long Island where I thought I would live out my days. Roy had taken on the job of Youth Pastor & was to lead the Worship Team at a church in Westbury. Ceilidh was starting Kindergarten and I was a stay at home mom to Sarah. It was also the year I met my friend Brenda. My life was good. God has a sense of humor.

5 things on my to - do list

1. Help Ceilidh study for her French exam. I didn't grow up in Canada for nothing people.
2. Update my TIVO Season passes. I'm bored with some of my shows.
3. Figure out how to get Ceilidh's phone off it's CAR KIT setting so I can actually reach her when I need to.
4. Work out the rest of this months' bills with my hubby. Drink a lot of wine. This is not two seperate "to do's".
5. Clean out fridge and freezer. Stupid, freaking 3 day power outage. I have mystery melts I could not begin to explain or identify.

3. Snacks I enjoy?
Toast, popcorn, chips & salsa, the Auntie Anne's pretzels my friend Phil makes - anything salty

4. Things I Would Do If I Were A Billionaire

Stop talking to all you poor people. Just kidding. Sorta. Some of you are on the bubble as it is.

I would give a lot of money to my church - it does a LOT of good and I know they would put it to good use.

Cancer research. Donate. Not try to cure it myself.

Pay off all my brothers and sisters mortgages.

Buy my sister Tanya a car.

Put a lot away for my girls' college/weddings/grandkids.

Pay off some my friends mortgages. Some of them work for churches - lets be honest -there's a salary cap. We didn't get into this biz for the money. : )

Travel travel travel

Open a bookstore in England and not care if it actually made money. Just sit in my shop surrounded by books and drink tea all day. This would also solve the problem of my bad teeth and allow me not to pay for another summer home for Dr. Ham.

5. Three of my bad habits

Not exercising

Wooden swearing. (My grandmaother's term for kinda but not really swearing)
I don't really swear that much, but I get too close sometimes.

Getting too busy & forgetting what - I mean who - is important. Sorry Ceildih and Sarah.

6. Five places I have lived
Cape Breton, NS
Taylor, MI
Greenville, SC
Syosset, NY
Bristow, VA

7. Five jobs I've had?
1- Lobster fishing - I "helped" my grandpa and his mate - not that kind of mate - one summer. He was very patient.

2. Stock room - ACE curriculum warehouse

3. Maintenance - Atomic Energy of Canada

4. Speech/Public Speaking Teacher - High School & college freshmen

5. Assistant to the Principal - like Assistant to the Regional Manager, not Assistant Regional Manager.

8. How did you name your blog?

Pretty much describes who I am. I'm a cancer surviving suburban Mom raising two teenage daughters, with two dogs, an unholy mortgage, a marginally insane extended family & doing all of it with the most laid back man God ever put breath in. I used to get into trouble - now it's just a little mischief.

Now - I tag Amber, Jill, Lindsey, Cary - even though you read 5000 blogs, I'm curious about your answers - and Sunny. Debby you're off the hook sinc eyou're functioning on 30 minutes of sleep and still recovering from the elevator incident of '08. I also tag you lurkers who never comment. You know who you are.

P.S. So do I.

Drink Up!

2008-06-11T10:36:00.004-04:00

Dr Toni over at Everything Health http://healthwise-everythinghealth.blogspot.com/ had another great post today. It's been freakishly hot here the past week or so - apparently in early June, our planetary alignment puts northern VA roughly six feet from the sun. Power is out all over the area, crews have been working non-stop to get it back and we've had several Code Orange days. The big concern has been staying hydrated. With that in mind, here's a list of what NOT to drink.
From Dr. Toni:

Thanks to Mens Health for pointing me (Dr. Toni) to the most unhealthy drinks in America. Don't be fooled by:

Glacaeu VitaminWater (any flavor 20 oz)- Pure deception at 130 calories and 33 grams of sugar. You might as well drink a Coke. Hey, this drink is made by Coca Cola! Surprise.

Jamba Juice Peanut Butter Moo'd Power Smoothie (30 oz) 169 grams of sugar and 30 grams of fat will pack those fat cells on you. The only "power" will be cellulite.

Arizona Kiwi Strawberry (23.5 oz can) - These cans always look healthy and cool and cost under $1 but they pack on 360 calories and 84 grams of sugar.

Pina Colada - (you know the size) is the worst summer cocktail . They taste so yummy because they contain 625 calories and 75 grams of sugar. If you are trying to gain weight and don't care about empty sugar calories, this drink is for you.

Baskin Robbin's Large Heath Bar Shake (32 oz). This is the #1 most unhealthy drink in America. It contains 2,310 calories, 266 grams of sugar and 108 grams of fat. Don't say you haven't been warned.

So what is the best Summer Drink? Iced green tea with agave sweetener and mint or ice water with lemon. Stay cool and healthy!

Men's Synchronized Swimming

2008-06-08T16:00:00.000-04:00

Two of the funniest men ever in one of SNL's finest moments.

Amber, this is for you.

15 Random Things

2008-06-03T20:44:00.000-04:00

1. I hate roses. They remind me of funerals and obligations.
2. I love tulips and peonies.
3. I love toast. Hot buttered toast is my favorite snack.
4. I saw Queen Elizabeth when I was a little girl. It was very cool.
5. I married the only boyfriend I ever had. I don't regret it.
6. I think my children are exceptional. Despite the fact I am their mother, they are happy and well adjusted.
7. I cheated to pass my sophomore typing test in college. Back in the day, we needed to have a level of proficiency mainly for the purpose of typing press releases. Mrs. Dickson lost the records, no way was I going to pass, so I told her "Yes ma'am, I did."
8. Speaking of college, I survived Bob Jones University. I grew up in Canada, didn't know much about it, & it was the only school my parents would pay for. I got a decent education and a healthy dose of what the old South was like.
9. I'm the pet owner I always rolled my eyes at. I love my dog Sophie.
10. My husband is the best thing that has ever happened to me outside a home in Heaven. He puts up with me, makes me laugh, and is still my best friend after almost 20 years.
11. I am intimidated by everyone I meet. Everyone. You have better hair, you're thinner, smarter, bolder. Quiet people especially intimidate me. What are you thinking? You're thinking I'm an idiot aren't you?
12. I don't respect you if you disrespect your husband in front of other people. Good natured goofing is one thing, but if you'll crucify or mock him in front of others, what do you say about the rest of us?
13. I own three pairs of socks. All are footies to wear in my tennis shoes.
14. I hate talking on the phone. Damn you Alexander Graham Bell.
15. I love movies. If I could quit my job and do nothing but sit on my bum and watch movies all day, I would.

5 things I like/don't like about myself

2008-05-29T21:08:00.000-04:00

Hmmm... 5 things I like about myself - this is hard. It feels like bragging, and if my Mom finds out I'm sure I'll still get a lecture about pride.

1. I'm a good cook. My husband and kids eat anything, so I get to try all kinds of stuff.
2. I'm a good storyteller. You're reading this blog aren't you?
3. I'm a good wife & Mom. My kids are healthy, happy and well adjusted. My marriage has survived 18 years, cancer, job losses, moving 9 times, seriously crazy family members, death of parents...
4. I'm a good housekeeper. It's not perfect, but I've channelled my little OCD's in a healthy way. : )
5. I'm good at making lists. That's kind of sad that the only thing I could come up with for number 5 is that I'm good at lists.

Don't Like: This is way easier. Only five? The hard part is narrowing the list down.

1. I can't take a compliment. If you tell me my jeans are nice, I'll tell you I only paid $10 for them. If you tell me my hair looks nice, I'l dismiss it. If you tell me you like a dish I prepared, I'll tell you it's nothing.
2. I eat as a comfort/crutch. Instead of prayer, my first reaction is a handful of...whatever can't run away from me.
3. I hate surprises and quick changes. I don't need to be in charge of the plan, but I need to know someone is, and that they know what's going on. Otherwise I quietly freak out and get annoyed.
4. I can't get up early to save my life. Honestly if my house catches fire between 1 and 7 am, I'm toast.
5. I can be selfish with my time. I don't have a lot of free time, and I'm pretty picky about how I spend it.
6. I hate exercising. I despise my weight, but refuse to do anything about it. Wait, I was supposed to stop at 5 wasn't I?

Seriously, you're not one of us!

2008-05-20T16:08:00.007-04:00

My husband is a Pastor. I've spent more time in church over the past 20 years than most people will spend in a lifetime. In fact, I work at the church too(fairoakschurch.org), so I've spent more time at church since Monday than some people will in a lifetime. I'm okay with that. I like my church. I like my job. I like the ministry we're a part of. (I know I shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition - I notice every time, I just don't care). Anyway, both my husband and I grew up in very conservative homes. Those FLDS folks aren't too far removed from my background. Seriously. Eliminate the polygamy and the child brides and we're there. King James version of the Bible, dresses and long hair for women, women don't work outside the home - my parents were criticized for sending me to college - Bob Jones University no less - because since I had an education, I would always be tempted to step out and make money thus undermining my husband as Head of our Home. I wasn't allowed to go to movies, school dances, or date and was allowed limited time with friends who didn't attend the same church we did.

For the record, it's not how I'm raising my kids, and I'm confident they'll make far fewer stupid choices than I did because they're better informed and have more balance in their lives. Will they make mistakes. Oh, yeah. Will they break my heart? Possibly. Will I still love them? Definately.

In fairness, my parents were new to faith and got off on the wrong foot. I sincerely believe both my parents and the leadership of the church had pure motives. But, and there's always a big "but", they were sincerely off track. Waaay off track. My dad has since passed away, and my mom has found a balance.

This whole post was inspired by a YouTube video I watched yesterday. I was looking for Newspring Church(newspring.cc)but when I typed the pastor's name into the YouTube search engine, a pastor with a 10 minute rant against him was at the top of the list.

Now, I'm all about freedom of speech, everyone is entitiled to their opinion and for me to criticize & mock that man makes me no better than him. But, (there's that big but again) what is the point? How can he possibly think God is pleased with any of his ranting? Honestly. It's individuals like this guy that makes people think Christians are ALL narrow minded freaks muttering imprecatory Psalms and rejoicing every time an abortion clinic is blown up or someone dies of AIDS. "Smite another one Jesus!" we pray as we wring our hands and dance - actually we don't dance - that's sinful - as we walk through life.

Don't get me wrong, sin is sin, I belive God is very clear about what pleases and displeases Him. As a "survivor" of Fundamentalism, I realize have a biased opinion of that movement and should take care passing judgement. I simply believe God would be better served by us fighting the devil than each other. That's all.

Five Random Things

2008-05-18T21:34:00.005-04:00

1. I like the smell of homemade bread. It reminds me of the days before my Mom lost her mind.

2. I hate chick flicks. I would rather have unanesthesized dental work than watch Sex & the City, read anything Nicholas Sparks has ever written - including his signature - or see any movie that could potentially be on Lifetime.

3. If I could quit my job and watch TV and movies all day, I would do it in a heart beat. I will watch anything starring Mike Meyers, Denzel Washington, Johnny Depp, James McEvoy, John Hannah, Judi Dench... I will not watch anything starring Sandra Bullock, Kate Hudson, Eva Longoria, Julia Roberts - Kathryn Heigel is a wild card - she was in Knocked Up before 27 Dresses

4. Toast is my favorite snack.

5. I had a dream that I was cheating on my husband with McLovin'. You heard me. McLovin. As in Superbad. I've been in love with Johnny Depp since High School, but a lisping, foul-mouthed teenager is my subconcious fantasy? I can't even imagine the level of therapy I need to get to the bottom of that one. Nevermind. I don't want to know.

Home of my Heart

2008-05-16T23:03:00.001-04:00

I am homesick today. I'm homesick for a place I haven't lived in almost 25 years - Cape Breton - the island I grew up on. I realize that time allows us to romanticize our past and gloss over the reality of our memories. But it's where my heart is. It's where I grew up. It's an intergral part of who I am. I am proud to be a Canadian and proud to be from Cape Breton. Capers are proud & stubborn people who are fiercely protective of who they are and what is important to them. Sound familiar? My side of the island is predominantly Scottish and has produced the most amazing musicians. The music is Celtic, unique and beautiful. If you didn't grow up with it, it may not mean much, and may not be your taste. For me, it is the soundtrack to my childhood.

It's hard to explain why Cape Breton is still, and will always be, my home. If you've never lived one place for a long time or really identified with a culture, than this probably doesn't make much sense. I belong to Cape Breton. It's not just where I'm from, it's where I've been. I have friends that grew up on Long Island, and I think they feel the same way. Maybe it's an island thing. In the meantime, enjoy this little window into my home. The song is The Island, and the scenes are from all over Cape Breton. I didn't create the video - it's from YouTube (isn't everything?) Most of the scenes are very familiar to me.

2008-05-14T10:55:00.003-04:00

I was listening to the radio in the car yesterday and nearly drove off the road trying to change the station when an ad for Jared Jewelers started playing. I HATE THEIR JINGLE. That's Jared! I cannot tell you how much it annoys me. Of course, since I'm sitting in traffic in Northern Virginia - a little window into hell - it got me thinking of other services and products I will never buy or use because of their jingle. In all fairness, this is no reflection on the quality of their product or service, it's just me. Music is a powerful thing - didn't you learn your ABC's as a song? How about conjunctions? "Conjunction Junction what's your function?" It's just that for me, their plan worked in reverse. Yes, I remember you, but I twitch when I hear your name. Jared isn't the jingle I hate most - it's just the one that triggered the sense memory of heinous jingles.

Daisy Sour Cream. Easily the jingle I hate most in the world. I hate it with the firey passion of a thousand suns.

Empire Flooring. A close second to Daisy,
the phone number then the voice sliding over the word Empire followed by TODAY! AAHHHHH! I will live with dirt floors before I use them for flooring.

Kraft Krumbles - They're krumbelievable! Mr. Ad Man, you deseve a boot to the berries for this one.

Folgers Coffee - If the best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup, your life sucks. Sorry. A fact's a fact.

Anyway, this has been somewhat theraputic. I'm better now.

Happy Mother's Day!

2008-05-11T17:45:00.003-04:00

This was our Mother's Day Tribute at church last year. It's based on a sketch by the hilarious Barats and Bereta - we used their idea, made it G-rated for church - and this was the result. I think they did a pretty good job. Enjoy.

What's on your iPod?

2008-05-09T21:23:00.005-04:00

I just bought the Wayne's World CD for $1 at the Library. It's one of my favorite guilty pleasures - I movie I stop and watch even if it's halfway through when I find it. I know it isn't fine art or high cinema - but dang it, it's funny. Twice a year the Library has a massive used book sale - it's awesome. I got 15 books by authors like Augusten Burroughs, Anita Shreve, Frank McCourt, Wally Lamb, Jed Rubenfeld ... AND my CD for $18! I felt like a fat kid at a buffet. Seriously - it was fan-freaken-tastic. I just wished I had remembered it in advance so I could have shopped more and spent more. >: ) Anyhoo, I've been listening to that CD on my iPod for the past week - I love it. Songs like:

Bohemian Rhapsody - arguably the best song by one of the greatest bands of all time - QUEEN.

Foxy - Jimi Hendrix - my daughter Sarah's favorite from the movie and the CD - she can do the shimmying, twitching dance Dana Carvey does in the movie - cracks me up

Ballroom Blitz - Tia Carrere's version, not the original by Sweet. Still, a great song. I remember it was a challenge to learn and spit out all the words - really, you're not singing along are you?

Dream Weaver - Gary Wright - I honestly didn't remember the song until it got to the chorus. I always associate it with the soft lighting and wind machine of those scenes from Dana's imagination.

Feed my Frankenstein - Alice Cooper. Hmmm, I wonder what Alice was thinking about when he wrote this little gem? Nasty. I know only a few Cooper songs, I like them more than I should admit. An acquired taste I know.

There's a lot of great songs - some better than others. Anyway, what are you listening to? I'm up for anything.

Another Sign of the Apocolypse

2008-05-06T17:38:00.000-04:00

I rarely watch network TV - the only reality shows I've ever purposefully watched more than once are Last Comic Standing or Project Runway (mainly 'cause I knew one of the models and really wanted her to do well), but I digest. Not that I'm highbrow in my comedy choices - I watch BBC & love British humor. But, I do have my standards. In yet another sign of the decline of Western Civvilization and further evidence that if God does not destroy us all in a fiery display of His wrath He'll owe Sodom and Gomorrah an apology, I bring you Single and Special. Really, after that girl on Flavor of Love pooped on a rug during a very special episode, it was just a matter of time. The end is near my friends. Get your sunscreen.

Single and SpecialGreenlit cable dating show from established production company seeks mentally disabled male and female contestants of all ages and races.
"Single and Special" will be a tasteful mix of "The Bachelor" and "Life Goes On." "Single and Special" already has the endorsement of the Special Olympics. Pilot available upon request.

Tri-State area contestants preferred. Will have mental health care professionals on set at all times.

Please email photo and short bio, with dating history, to SingleandSpecial@gmail.com.

* I haven't been able to find aother info on the show - let's pray it isn't real.

Virginia Wasn't for Lovers

2008-05-06T15:12:00.000-04:00

Mildred Loving, matriarch of interracial marriage, dies

NOTE: I grew up in Canada so much of the racial tension and history here is the U.S. is foreign to me. Canada has it's own set of cultural & social tensions -it's simply that I didn't grow up with it so I forget how recent it is. I live in VA now, so this story was a reminder to me of how very recently Virginia wasn't for lovers.

By DIONNE WALKER
Associated Press Writer

RICHMOND, Va. (AP) -- Mildred Loving, a black woman whose challenge to Virginia's ban on interracial marriage led to a landmark Supreme Court ruling striking down such laws nationwide, has died, her daughter said Monday.

Peggy Fortune said Loving, 68, died Friday at her home in rural Milford. She did not disclose the cause of death.

"I want (people) to remember her as being strong and brave yet humble - and believed in love," Fortune told The Associated Press.

Loving and her white husband, Richard, changed history in 1967 when the U.S. Supreme Court upheld their right to marry. The ruling struck down laws banning racially mixed marriages in at least 17 states.

"There can be no doubt that restricting the freedom to marry solely because of racial classifications violates the central meaning of the equal protection clause," the court ruled in a unanimous decision.

Her husband died in 1975. Shy and soft-spoken, Loving shunned publicity and in a rare interview with The Associated Press last June, insisted she never wanted to be a hero - just a bride.

"It wasn't my doing," Loving said. "It was God's work."

Mildred Jeter was 11 when she and 17-year-old Richard began courting, according to Phyl Newbeck, a Vermont author who detailed the case in the 2004 book, "Virginia Hasn't Always Been for Lovers."

She became pregnant a few years later, she and Loving got married in Washington in 1958, when she was 18. Mildred told the AP she didn't realize it was illegal.

"I think my husband knew," Mildred said. "I think he thought (if) we were married, they couldn't bother us."

But they were arrested a few weeks after they returned to Central Point, their hometown in rural Caroline County north of Richmond. They pleaded guilty to charges of "cohabiting as man and wife, against the peace and dignity of the Commonwealth," according to their indictments.

They avoided jail time by agreeing to leave Virginia - the only home they'd known - for 25 years. They moved to Washington for several years, then launched a legal challenge by writing to Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy, who referred the case to the American Civil Liberties Union.

Attorneys later said the case came at the perfect time - just as lawmakers passed the Civil Rights Act, and as across the South, blacks were defying Jim Crow's hold.

"The law that threatened the Lovings with a year in jail was a vestige of a hateful, discriminatory past that could not stand in the face of the Lovings' quiet dignity," said Steven Shapiro, national legal director for the ACLU.

"We loved each other and got married," she told The Washington Evening Star in 1965, when the case was pending. "We are not marrying the state. The law should allow a person to marry anyone he wants."

After the Supreme Court ruled, the couple returned to Virginia, where they lived with their children, Donald, Peggy and Sidney. Each June 12, the anniversary of the ruling, Loving Day events around the country mark the advances of mixed-race couples.

Richard Loving died in a car accident that also injured his wife. "They said I had to leave the state once, and I left with my wife," he told the Star in 1965. "If necessary, I will leave Virginia again with my wife, but I am not going to divorce her."

Today

2008-05-03T08:08:00.000-04:00

Today I hate:

1. Waking up waaaay too early on a Saturday I should have been sleeeping in because my spring allergies are fierce and I want to swallow a hairbrush so I can adequately scratch my itchy throat.

2. The neighbor's dog. Stupid Max. Stop. Barking. See Max. See Max bark. See Max bark some more. See Max bark and bark and bark and bark. See Max get chased by the crazy lady. Run Max run. Oh, poor Max.

3. The carpet in my house. I hate carpet. The sinner who sold us the house installed the cheapest quality carpet in the western hemisphere. Carpet is a generous term. Actually so is installed. Seriously. There are speed bumps in the upstairs hall. Think nappy acrylic sweater balled up on the floor of your closet. That's my carpet.

4. Finances. We have good jobs, are paid fairly and live modestly. Where the crap does the money go?

5. Dusting. I don't mind housework - I actually enjoy some of it and keep a tidy house. But dusting? Dusting makes my teeth itch. You don't really get rid of the dust, you just move it around and make the room smell like artificial lemons for a minute. AAAAAAGGGHHH!

6. Shut. Up. Max.

7. Hannah Montana. Not Miley Cyrus - the Hannah Montana TV show. It bumped LOST on our DVR because it was a higher priority program so only half of it taped. WHAT?

Today I love:

1. My husband. That one doesn't change day to day. Some days I like him more than others...

2. My dog Sophie. Sigh. She's nice.

3. Kleenex with lotion. My poor afflicted nose.

4. My bed. Nice, fresh sheets - high thread count. Ahhh.

5. Wireless internet. Laptop in bed. Yay for being lazy on Saturday morning. Just because I'm awake doesn't mean I have to be up. >: )

6. My backyard. We opened the pool yesterday and i can see it from my window. Pretty.

I'm done. I need a cup of tea. What about you? What do you love/hate today?

Lessons Learned from the Drunk Girls of MySpace

2008-05-01T10:43:00.000-04:00

From the evil geniuses at Asylum For All Mankind, I bring you Lessons We Learned from the Drunk Girls of MySpace.
Girls, I don't know who you are, and by the look of some of these photos, you probably aren't clear who you are either, but you need better hobbies. The internet is unforgiving girls. Someday, your kids are going to find these and there goes those hours of lectures on the evils of alcohol...

You partied with friends, right?

I wonder how many diseases you can catch from a frat bathroom floor. I bet she knows.

If you're okay with this being the way you get home, you're in trouble. Never mind, you won't remember.

Niiiice. Very sexy. Boys love a girl covered in the (former) contents of her stomach.

You can't buy class like that. Wait, maybe you can pay for it...

Rollin' Bones with Dinosaurs

2008-04-20T18:48:00.000-04:00

Let me begin by saying I have never rolled a bone with dinosaurs - or humans - but I thought this was really funny. I tried smoking in high school but could never get the hang of it. This is one of those BBC/IFC shows I don't brag about watching - especially to my church friends. Sometimes it's the funniest thing and I laugh out loud - on the other hand, every once in awhile something pops up that makes me tell Jesus I'm sorry. I watched this episode on one of those "holy crap it's 3:45 and I'm stll awake" inomnia nights and it struck me as ridiculously funny. Maybe you won't find it as funny, but who knows...

Woodland Spider

2008-04-15T22:59:00.000-04:00

Needed something to make me smile today - Cary over at List Of the Day -
http://listoftheday.blogspot.com/ - posted this a few days ago and I laughed out loud. Growing up in Canada, during commmercial breaks, Hinterland Who's Who would come on. I don't think this is where the Wildlife Foundation was headed when they were created, but it's by far my favorite. Hope it makes you smile. And stay away from the crack spider.

Are You Kidding Me?

2008-04-09T10:02:00.000-04:00

Okay, heard a disturbing report yesterday. Ascots on men are in. Seriously? The only men who can get away with ascots are Fred from Scooby Doo and John Waters. One is a cartoon, the other is, well, he's John Waters. The boys from Panic at the Disco wore ascots for their SNL appeance last week, and so did some guy on American Idol - sorry - don't watch the show so I can't remember his name, only the look.

It got me thinking how slavish - is that a word or am I pulling a DRS and creating one? >: ) - we are to what someone tells us is in. Not for nothing, remember when straight guys decided what was hot or flattering on a woman? Looking back on some of the trends I whole heartedly emabraced I have to laugh, then I stop and pray I have the courage to just say no in case they come back. As a teen in the 80's, I have much to be ashamed of.

Legwarmers. Yeah - the closest I came to Flashdance was walking past a construction site. I wasn't fooling anyone.

Shoulder pads. I'm 5'2" with DD boobs. I looked like a minature linebacker. What an unflattering silhouette. Lets take the one good feature I had, a tiny waist, and smother it.

Speaking of smothering, how 'bout leggings? Unless you were a dancer, you ended up with legs that appeared to be stuffed into sausage casings.

Acid washed jeans. Like Billy Ray Cyrus, they should never have been created in the first place. A skid mark on denim that will last forever.

Speaking of Billy Ray, the mullet. Now arguably, the mullet's been around longer and like a cockroach, won't die, but I believe the boys of the 80's raised it to an art form. Bruce Mac Neil had one I lusted over my entire High school career.

Headbands. Not the preppy hair band, but the sweatband/headband thingy from Olivia Newton John's "Physical" video. Yeah, I was rockin a blue and white terry cloth number with a gold thread running through it. Jealous much?

Big Hair. I'm torn on this one. On one hand, big hair was easy for me - perm the crap out of it, tease the crap out of it, then spray the crap out of it with Aqua Net. There is a hole the size of TX over a tiny village on the east coast of Canada and it's my fault. On the other hand, it was a lot of work. See steps 1-3 above. And, it resulted in potentially dangerous eye-threatening situations. For instance, if you leaned in to tell a secret to a girlfriend, you could lose an eye on her bangs. Stranger things have happened. True story - I couldn't wear the headpiece I wanted for my wedding because my bangs were too high.

Big earrings. I'm not talking hoops - I'm talking satellite dish sized hunks of plastic that gave us lobes like those tribal women in rural Africa. At least for them, the droopy lobe thing is considered sexy. Here, not so much.

Jelly shoes. This abomination is back. How do you make a smelly part of your body smell worse? And, can we add painful blisters? That'd be great, thanks.

White panty hose. Lets think, I'm a white girl of Scottish descent living in a community that frequently had snow from October to May - summer usually lasted for 15 minutes on a Thusday in July ... how can I make myself whiter?

Enough - this is worse than I thought. I didn't even get to the "Independant-Baptist-Pastor's-wife-plaid-jumper years". I need to go lie down. How about you - what do you never want to see or will you never wear again?

Hell's Jukebox

2008-04-04T13:40:00.000-04:00

Maybe this would be Hell's ipod? Is there even such a thing as a jukebox anymore? I don't know...anyway, I've had "ear worms" plague me this week. Are you familiar with the term "ear worm"? It's the songs, commercial jingles, random music that gets stuck in your head and it WON'T GO AWAY no matter what you do. You listen to stuff you like, but as soon as it ends, the ear worm creeps back. It's the song that runs in your head when you wake up at night to go pee. The muzak that follows you out of the elevator. The soundtrack to your dentist appointment - that level of annoyance or pain. Some of these you've may not have heard of, but they are songs that someone - "Hello Mrs. Chisholm! Fourth grade music teacher!" - exposed me to & have never really gotten over it. It's like musical baggage. I feel like I've ranted about this before, but whatever, it's my blog, I'll re-rant if I want to!

Here's a partial list of what plagues me:

1. Lovin' You - Minnie Ripperton. I've said it before and I'll say it again, there are sounds the human voice was never intended to make.

2. Muskrat Love - Captain & Tennille. Rodents. Sex. Squealing. Enough said.

3. Watching Scotty Grow - Bobby Goldsboro. Was everyone in the 70's this lame-tastic? Really anything by Goldsboro makes my teeth itch.

4. Jolene - Dolly Parton. For some reason I associate this song with going to catechism on Sunday mornings in my Dad's giant tan Bel Air. Nuns & Dolly Parton. Yeah. That makes sense.

5.Stewball - Peter, Paul & Mary. Thanks Mrs. Chisholm. I swear to God if I get brain cancer there will be a direct link to this song. Who makes a bunch of 4th graders sing "Old Stewball was a racehorse and I wish he were mine, he never drank water, he only drank wine..."

6. Gypsies Tramps and Thieves - Cher. Or maybe Sonny & Cher, I don't remember - all I hear is her in my head. What a God awful piece of 'art' this is.

7. I'm proud to be an American - Lee Greenwood. I swear that song makes me want to throw puppies in a wood chipper.

8. Friends are Friends Forever - Michael W. Smith. For those of us 'churchies', you know this one. Shut. Up.

9. Billie Don't Be a Hero - Paper Lace. I'm beginning to see a pattern - I hate 7's music.

10. Candy Man - Sammy Davis Jr. Ewwwwwwww.

There are tons more, but my OCD demands my list be in increments of 5's. If I add one more then I'd have to do 15. Then 20. You understand.

How about you? What makes you mental?

I'm A Little Lad

2008-04-02T16:17:00.000-04:00

For someone who watches 99% of her TV through Tivo and rarely sees TV advertising, I do love me a funny commercial. This is an old one but I just ran across it on YouTube again, and was reminded of how much I enjoy giant leprechauns or gay time travellers - whichever category buddy here falls into. Either way, it makes me laugh.

New Show Schedule

2008-03-31T19:58:00.000-04:00

I don't watch more than half of these shows - I'm obsessed with the absolutely horrible show "Shameless" on Sundance - it's a BBC show and I keep it password protected from my kids for the themes and language - but there are a few here I can't wait to see. The Office tops my list, but I do love me some Earl, 30 Rock, SVU, Lost, & Gray's Anatomy (if they'd put their clothes back on & go to work & sleep with their own spouses). Anyway, for your reference...

April 2: “Criminal Minds”; “CSI: New York”
April 3: “My Name Is Earl”; “CSI”; “Without a Trace”
April 4: “Ghost Whisperer”; “Numbers”
April 7: “Samantha Who?”
April 8: “NCIS”; “Boston Legal”
April 10: “30 Rock”; “The Office”; “Scrubs”; “ER”
April 11: “Moonlight”
April 13: “Desperate Housewives”
April 14: “Bones”; “Rules of Engagement”; “One Tree Hill”
April 15: “Law & Order: SVU”
April 17: “Smallville”
April 20: “Brothers & Sisters”
April 21: “Gossip Girl”
April 22: “Reaper”
April 23: “The Game”
April 24: “Ugly Betty”; “Grey’s Anatomy”; “Supernatural”; “Lost”
April 28: “House”
April 29: “Shark”

Jesus, the talking doll version

2008-03-29T17:57:00.000-04:00

Okay, I love Jesus so don't get your knickers in a twist, but I think this is a little strange. I don't want Jesus in my daughters' toy box with a bunch of nekkid barbies. Is it wrong that I do want to see the Leper or the Whore of Babylon dolls? Or would those be action figures?

One2Believe will begin selling talking Jesus, left, and Moses dolls in May.

NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - A talking Jesus doll is due to go on sale in May, along with versions of Moses, the Virgin Mary and David, as a teddy bear maker tries to find a market with churches and religious families.

The foot-tall Jesus doll will be able to recite five Biblical verses at the push of button on its back, while the Moses doll will recite the Ten Commandments. The Mary doll will recite a long Bible verse.

Joshua Livingston, one of the original founders of Valencia, Calif.-based Beverly Hills Teddy Bear Co. has returned to the company to head its new Biblical doll unit, One2Believe. In the past, Beverly Hills Teddy Bear mostly manufactured bears and other plush toys on a contract basis for other retailers.

This will be the company's first attempt to sell direct to consumers via the Internet, Livingston said.

He said that the idea for the religious dolls has been a long-time desire of David Socha, who is the other founder of the teddy bear company. The company has hired a marketing firm with expertise reaching out to churches and church schools to generate sales, Livingston said.

"In the beginning we don't feel it'd be right to put it in Toys R Us and be next to a Barbie or a Bratz," he said.

The company expects to sell about 50,000 of the Biblical dolls by the end of the year, with the Jesus doll -- not surprisingly -- expected to be the top seller. It hopes to also bring out an Esther doll by the end of the year and hopes to have other Biblical character dolls introduced in future years.

The line of Biblical dolls is known as Messengers of Faith.

The dolls will cost $24.99, although Livingston said there will be discounts for churches as well as free shipping for those who buy three or more of the dolls. They will have hand-sewn period clothing, with Jesus wearing sandals and veils for the Virgin Mary. They will also have movable limbs and hands that can grip objects.

While Socha is Catholic and has been active in giving time and money to church groups for years, Livingston is Jewish. He said it doesn't seem strange to him selling the Jesus doll, though.

"I have a very open mind and believe people can have their own beliefs and religion," he said.

so cool

2008-03-19T11:47:00.000-04:00

I know I'm old and not cool anymore - but this is brilliant. Really creative.
There's a naughty word. Don't yell at me - you've been warned.

Barats and Bareta

2008-03-19T11:22:00.000-04:00

I love these. Barats and Bareta are deranged, and quite funny. The Mother's Day video is my favorite.

Completely Uncalled For

MOTHER'S DAY

BARE NAKED LADIES - THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE

I Am Canadian

2008-03-12T13:33:00.000-04:00

Why are beer commercials so good?
As a proud Canadian, I felt it was my duty to share these with you, my American friends. Sad about Glen, eh?

Lessons We Learned from the Drunk Girls of MySpace

2008-03-12T10:49:00.000-04:00

Girls, I don't know who you are, and based on these photos, you may not be too clear on that either, but you need better hobbies. And better taste in friends. Who do you think posted these in the first place? The internet is unforgiving my friends.

Assylum's list is longer - these are my favorites:
1. The Quick Clean

From the evil geniuses at Asylum For All Mankind (asylum.com) I bring you Lessons We Learned from the Drunk Girls of MySpace
If there's no soap in the frat house bathroom, you can easily improvise

If you're okay with this being the way you get home, you're in trouble.

Okay, you know what, you're just disgusting.

You partied with friends, right?

Your parents must be very proud.

Biff - Remember him?

2008-03-11T19:14:00.000-04:00

Back to the Future is one of my favorite movies - I saw it in the theatre when it came out - so cool. Still one of those movies I'll stop and watch even if I come across it when the movie has been on for an hour. Remember Biff? Apparently he's not dead, just his career. Thought this song was kinda funny - I appreciate the sarcasm. No surprise there. The video is kinda sketchy for the first few seconds, then it clears. Nothing or illegal or supicious here officer.

tick tock

2008-03-10T17:15:00.001-04:00

K - so I'm still waiting. Last week I was stuck with more needles than Hilary's Obama voodoo doll, and yet, here I sit. I have a great doctor, who is usually pretty quick to respond with any updates for me, but I'm still waiting. I choose to believe this is good news. If we needed to move quickly on anything, he'd have called, right? Wait, why does this sound like a bad first date where I put out & haven't heard from the guy since? Let me be very clear, sex has nothing to do with this. My doctor is roughly 100 years old and looks lie a Korean hobbit. I'm good thanks. I have never been that drugged, and his defense, I'm pretty sure neither has he. So, tick tock.
I'm ready to be done - the treatment makes me tired and foggy - the best way to descibe it is feeling like i've had two glasses of wine on an empty stomach. Awesome if you're sitting at home watching a movie, but not so cool if you're at work or parenting. Tattoo, piercing? Okay honey. Mommy's tired.
Anyhoo, I'll post more faithfully soon...I know you're lives are incomplete without my sarcasm.

Brick Testament

2008-03-01T10:12:00.001-05:00

Someone has a LOT of time on their hands. And probably still lives in Moms' basement. I still think it's cool. Good imagination. "You be Murdock." Good stuff.
http://www.thebricktestament.com/

Worst Opening Lines for Novels

2008-02-28T14:57:00.000-05:00

Every year the Dept. of English & Comparative Literature San Jose State University runs a contents to see who can construct the worst opening sentence for a novel. They are spectacular.

Here are a few:

2007 Winner:

Gerald began--but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them "permanently" meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash--to pee.

Jim Gleeson, Madison, Wisconsin

She resolved to end the love affair with Ramon tonight . . . summarily, like Martha Stewart ripping the sand vein out of a shrimp's tail . . . though the term "love affair" now struck her as a ridiculous euphemism . . . not unlike "sand vein," which is after all an intestine, not a vein . . . and that tarry substance inside certainly isn't sand . . . and that brought her back to Ramon.

Dave Zobel, Manhattan Beach, CA (2004 Winner)

They had but one last remaining night together, so they embraced each other as tightly as that two-flavor entwined string cheese that is orange and yellowish-white, the orange probably being a bland Cheddar and the white . . . Mozzarella, although it could possibly be Provolone or just plain American, as it really doesn't taste distinctly dissimilar from the orange, yet they would have you believe it does by coloring it differently.

Mariann Simms, Wetumpka, AL (2003 Winner)

The corpse exuded the irresistible aroma of a piquant, ancho chili glaze enticingly enhanced with a hint of fresh cilantro as it lay before him, coyly garnished by a garland of variegated radicchio and caramelized onions, and impishly drizzled with glistening rivulets of vintage balsamic vinegar and roasted garlic oil; yes, as he surveyed the body of the slain food critic slumped on the floor of the cozy, but nearly empty, bistro, a quick inventory of his senses told corpulent Inspector Moreau that this was, in all likelihood, an inside job.

--Bob Perry, Milton, Massachusetts (1998 Winner)

The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and pleasant for those who hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.

--Patricia E. Presutti, Lewiston, New York (1986 Winner)

The countdown had stalled at T minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, rubbery lips unmistakably--the first of many such advances during what would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my career.

--Martha Simpson, Glastonbury, Connecticut (1985 Winner)

Happy

2008-02-26T21:38:00.000-05:00

It's been a cancer, not cancer, cancer, not cancer kind of week for my family, so in the dark of the night, I started counting my blessings and thinking about what makes me truly happy.

1. When my husband holds my hand. I am THE Least sentimental, romantic woman alive -I have never willingly having sat through a chick flick for example - but I still get a little squidgy feeling when he holds my hand.

2. My daughter C's sarcastic sense of humor. It's good to have that demented British sense of humor translate to the next generation. "Aunt Alma, I once shot a man in Phoenix." Good stuff.

3. My dog Sophie. I am one of those dog owners I have mocked my whole life. What goes around comes around.

4. Food. Good food. Good wine & cheese. Fresh bread & fruit. Comfort food on a bad day. Comfort food on a good day.

5. My sister Kim. She is one of the few truly good people I know. She's sees goodness and value in people I would't bother to hit with my car. She's like a character from a Bible story. I on the other hand, am more like a character out of Stephen King...

6. The sun. Overcast days are God's way of saying, "Yeah, I couldn't be bothered either. Go back to bed with some tea and toast and catch up with your TIVO and reading."

7. The ocean. The sound of it makes me relax. It's where I grew up and it takes me back. I love the smell - high tide or low - the sound, the sight - all of it.

8. The feeling of pulling up my socks. It's stupid, but it feels nice when they've been squashed down and you pull them up... ahhh. Similar to taking off panty hose/nylons or as I like to call them, Satan's Sausage Casing for Ladies. Damn you Alan Grant Sr.

9. Washing my hands. I a germaphobe, and I appreciate hand sanitizer, but a good handwashing is almost a religious experience.

10. Movies. I love movies. Movies, movies, movies. In my next life I want to be a projector.

11. My Message Bible. It's a little hard to get used to hearing Jesus toss out slang, "Yo, disciples!" but it's made me pay more attention to Bible reading I had become too casual about.

12. My girls singing. All day, all kinds of music. It's nice.

13. My daughter S's constant dancing. Lord, if that child could sit still for 5 minutes. I don't know where she gets it. Of course if it gets her to Broadway and pays for a nice nursing home for her mother...

14. List of the day. http://listoftheday.blogspot.com/
First of all, it's a LIST people. What's not to love? Secondly, there isn't a day that there isn't something that makes me smile, laugh out loud/pee a little - Olan Mills family photos anyone? - and occasionally offends my previously Baptist Pastor's wife self. Whatever. It's funny stuff.

There's of loads of other stuff, way too mundane to list. As if you weren't bored already.
Thanks for hanging in to the end. You're a real team player, go get yourself some juice. You've earned it.

By the way, the Chinese symbols at the top are supposed to mean Double Happiness. With my luck it probably means Lemon Chicken, but you don't speak Chinese either, so get over it.

Top Rejected State Mottos

2008-02-19T15:58:00.000-05:00

In my never ending love of all things "list", I came across this little gem at Keepers of Lists http://www.keepersoflists.org/index.php?lid=random. I have no idea if their other lists are good, bad or in between, but I thought this had some winners. They have 276 rejected mottos - here are some of my favorites.

Alabama - Not as Racist as we used to be.

Alaska: come cause' it's pretty. stay cause your lost

South Carolina: 50th in education, #1 in mobile home sales

Arkansas : Who needs branches on a family tree?

Maryland: We've got crabs!

South Dakota: Plenty of parking

Pennsylvania: Not to be confused with Dracula's home

New Mexico: Better than the Old Mexico

Kentucky-Go ahead and grow weed. We don't care.

Illinois: The "s" is silent, you morons

Indiana: Corn Corn Corn Corn Indianapolis Corn Corn Corn

Mississippi: come feel better about your own state

CA: The cereal State: nothing but fruits, nuts and flakes

Kentucky: 5 million people 15 last names

Idaho -- No, U-da-ho!

Maine: Not as terrifying as Stephen King makes it out to be

Colorado we hate texans too

Maryland The Other Alabama

Louisiana: You know what to do if you want these beads

New Jersey - Aaay! How U Doin'?

Maine: Now Canadian Friendly!

2 manky prostitutes and a racist dwarf

2008-02-19T10:15:00.000-05:00

Now that got your attention didn't it? It's a line from In Bruges- the Colin Farrell film in the theatre now. I loved it. It was wierd, gory, and seriously, the dwarf was wicked racist, but a great story with beautiful cinematography. Bruges is a beautiful city. The story centers around Farrells' character Ray, though Jordan Prentice is brilliant in his role as Jimmy, the angry, racist dwarf. Brendon Gleeson (Mad Eye Moody to all you Potter fans) plays Farrells partner - literally - in crime. I won't bore you with the plot synopsis, that's what IMDB is for, but I will say it was amazing. The characters are complicated and flawed, yet you're on their side when Ralph Fiennes (English Patient, Lord Voldemort) shows up. It had all the things I like in a movie - it wasn't tidy and neat, the characters are dysfunctional in interesting ways, everyone didn't have a happy ending and the story (for me) wasn't completely predictable. The acting was solid, the score didn't take on a life of it's own and overpower the movie. A lot of my friends are chick flick fans. This movie is NOT for you. For me, it was a great way to spend a Sunday night.

Happy Valentine's Day

2008-02-14T10:03:00.000-05:00

I'm addicted to Post Secret - it's my favorite Sunday guilty pleasure.
Enjoy.

Best insults

2008-02-13T15:53:00.000-05:00

None of these are original to me - they are credited to whoever spoke them - bless their hearts. These the things you wish you had said, or wish you were clever enough to think of.

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
Clarence Darrow

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
Groucho Marx

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one.”
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.”
Winston Churchill’s response to George Bernard Shaw

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
Stephen Bishop

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
Irvin S. Cobb

“He had delusions of adequacy.”
Walter Kerr

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
Mae West

“Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!”
Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party

“Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!”
Winston Churchill’s response to Lady Astor

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
Robert Redford

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
Oscar Wilde

"Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?"
Milton Berle

"Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week."
William Dean Howells

"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
Groucho Marx

"They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway."
Hunter S. Thompson

"You're a good example of why some animals eat their young."
Jim Samuels

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx (Okay, so it's not an insult, it was too good not to include)

"I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along."
Groucho Marx

"I thought men like that shot themselves."
King George V

"I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest."
Steven Pearl

"Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you."
Groucho Marx

"You were born with your legs apart. They'll send you to the grave in a Y-shaped coffin."
Joe Orton

"There goes the famous good time that was had by all."
Bette Davis

"She's been on more laps than a napkin."
Walter Winchell

"So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name."
Alan Bennett

Jobs I would HATE...

2008-02-07T15:50:00.000-05:00

Not that you necessarily care, but these are jobs I would hate to do. My insomnia is back, you've all been prayed for, so I have to fill the time somehow...

1. Vet Tech - the one that puts the animals to sleep
2. School Bus Driver - I swear I would veer into oncoming traffic just for the time off
3. Disney World Mascot - Princesses included. Runny-nosed,bratty kids, demanding/pissed off moms, sweaty, frustrated dads...need I go on?
4. Clean restrooms at a Rest Area on the interstate
5. Proctologist - I don't know what you make but it isn't enough
6. Adult Theatre janitor...I definatly just threw up in my mouth
7. Massage therapist at at Senior Citizens Center
8. Taxidermist
9. Pimp - Seriously, I'm so not good with money
10. Amy Winehouse's maid
11. Anything related to pig farming - that stink don't wash off
12. Fur trapper
13. Mortician
14. Driving Test Examiner - I know how my first road test went...
15. Waitress in a honky tonk - is there even such a thing as a honky tonk any more?
16. Road kill cleaner upper
17. Chuck E Cheese employee. 'Nuff said.
18. Drug Mule
19. Roadie for the Rolling Stones - do you want to clean up after Keith Richards has been in the bathroom?
20. Body Guard for a gangsta rapper
21. Coal Miner
22. Finally and most importantly - A MIME. Serioulsy. No one likes a mime. NO ONE.

There's a lot more I'm sure, but I'm sure you're bored with my list. What would YOU hate to do?

Explain to me...

2008-01-24T16:00:00.000-05:00

1. Why are there 12 hot dogs in a pack but only 8 buns?

2. What is Steve Miller talking about when he says he's "the pompadous of love" in The Joker? What the heck is a pompadous anyway?

3. Why does a 5 year old from London reciting the alphabet sound more intelligent than I do quoting Shakespeare? Damn that accent.

4. Why will my dog drink from the toilet and the pool but not from her water bowl if there's a hair in it?

5. Why do my children only vomit at night?

6. Who do I talk to about not hearing about or seeing Britney's vajayjay ever again?

7. Why does my mother think whispering "cancer" or "unwed mother" makes it less than what it is?

8. Who's idea was it to put an "s" in lisp? Isn't that a little mean?

9. Why does the bank charge me for insufficient funds IF I HAVE INSUFFICIENT FUNDS? Aren't we beating a dead horse? And who beats dead horsses anyway? What's that about?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me! It isn't original to me, but I had to add it)

11. Why do toasters have a setting to create charcoal?

12. Why does my gyno leave the office while I disrobe from the waist down when he's going to see more than I do when he gets back?

13. And finally, what's it supposed to mean "can't have your cake and eat it too"? What's the point of having cake in the first place if you're not going to eat it? Especially if it's Ber's grandma's Rum Cake.

AMAZING

2008-01-16T11:38:00.000-05:00

There are no words. I laughed so hard at this site I think I peed a little. I've added it as a permanant link, but in the meantime, take a minute to check it out. Maybe your family is there.
http://listoftheday.blogspot.com/2007/09/great-olan-mills-photos.html

uptown problems

2008-01-10T14:09:00.000-05:00

I heard an expression this morning that I've never heard before - at least if I have, I don't rememeber. One of the girls in my small group Bible study was commiserating with a co-worker about car trouble, internet issues, etc. He interrupted himself, and said, "You know what? These are uptown problems." In other words, let's get a little perspective. Hmmm... that's interesting. Perspective has been at the forefront of my thoughts a LOT recently. With my hubby in so much pain the past couple of weeks, I've had to run the show on my own. It's been rough, I won't lie, because he ususally helps - a lot. Keeping an eye on the gas gage, 9th grade algebra, letting the dogs out - little things that add up really quickly to a whole lot. Last Saturday as I was running errands, carrying my tree to the curb getting covered in sap and piercing parts I hadn't considered with fir needles, picking something mysterious out of the dogs' fur, etc, I started to feel a little sorry for myself. We had a rough holiday, and it wasn't getting better and showed no sign of letting up any time soon. Then, that still small voice reminded me, millions of single parents do this every day. I have an end in sight.
We are all so spoiled. My kids don't go to bed hungry, they don't wake up alone and afraid. My husband is faithful and loving. I have a good job, good friends, and a nice house. My clothes don't fit because I ate too much. My finances are tight because I spent too much. My schedule is busy because I say yes too much. These are uptown problems. I have nothing to complain about.
Honestly, do you?

Seven from 2007

2008-01-04T22:46:00.000-05:00

Not original to me - this was my friend Jill's idea, but it got me thinking -something I have time to do since my insomnia is back...
Things I have learned or needed to be reminded of in 2007:

1. Cancer is not the worst thing in the world that can happen to me.

2. My babies are teens. OK, Sarah, aka Sadie, is only 12, but try telling her that doesn't count. They are everything to me, & my proudest accomplishment is my family. If I do nothing else well, I have good girls & a marriage I am proud of. We aren't perfect, but we're happy.

3. God is a just God. You reap what you sow. See # 2 with reference to my children. >: )

4. I take my husband for granted sometimes. He is amazing. He was beyond amazing when I had cancer & went through those wretched weeks of treatment. I am blessed. You should envy me. Not because of who I am, but who I have.

5. Real friends are rare, and are sometimes better than family.

6. I need to get my citizenship. I didn't expect to be here this long, and if we're going to be here, I want to vote. Otherwise, as I see it, I don't have the right to complain.

7. I still miss my Dad. He died 17 years ago next month & I still feel cheated by God. Maybe 2008 will be the year I finally get past that.

Incidentally, the photo on this blog is my reason for wanting to lose weight, so I can someday horrify all of you with my scandalous weight loss and alligator bag looking hiney.

See you in 2008.

christmas vomit

2007-12-28T15:36:00.001-05:00

At the risk of sounding like a third grade "theme paper" - remmeber those? - I'd like to indulge in a little written therapy. The drive to Canada was pretty uneventful, as was the 2 days we spent at my inlaws, aside from the fact there were 31 of us the house - a 1400 sq foot farmhouse thank you. However, as was the case last year, Christmas at my mother's has ended with vomit. For the second year in a row, Ceilidh has her head in a plastic trash can vomiting all her Christmas goodies. At least it's pretty with all the red and green. She's not the only one this time. All 4 neices and nephews have had it, now my BIL, pregnant sister, and mother are ill as well. I have the freedom to write this b/c I am the only one not in bed. Delightful.
My mother is watching my sister's kids while they're on break yet thought it was okay to send them over for the break immediately following a night of fluids expoding from the front AND the back door of their weak and pale little bodies. My nephew has accomplised a feat previously unfamiliar to me - both his vomit and *** smell the same. Unholy, but the same odor. How is that possible? Add to the fun, R has a pinched nerve in his shoulder and has been in bed on percoset trying to recover from that record pain after trying to find a clinic or doctor that would see him since our insurance is out of the country. I'm looking forward to the insurance claim and paper work when we get home. But, that's a blog for another day.

Anyway, time to go rinse buckets and make tea. Happy holidays.

2007-12-19T15:59:00.000-05:00

I hate technology. That's a little ironic since I am dependant on my computer to produce and post this blog, but today, I hate technology. I hate when things don't work the way they're supposed to. it makes me crazy when even someone who knows more about it can't make it work. That's all. Too frustrated to say more. It wou;dn't be fit to read - you'd have to do a chemical eye wash if you read what is stomping around in my brain.

Rick Mercer

2007-12-05T21:48:00.000-05:00

This post is from RICK MERCER- check him out: rickmercer.com . I used to watch him on a show called "this hour has 22 minutes" - a precursor to the Daily Show, but it ran in Canada so I'm sure you've never heard of it. He's witty, sarcastic, intelligent - everything I wish I could be. : ) I did not write the blog, but I really enjoyed it.

You'll note Fairfax has more in common with its' neighbor to the north than you may have thought. I've heard Canada referred to as America's attic - you forget it's up there, then you check it out and realize there is tons of cool stuff you either forgot about, or didn't even know it was there. So, enjoy Rick's take on how Torontonians (sub Fairfax for Toronto) reacts to a few flakes.

Canadians love to talk about the weather – always have, and always will. It's what we do. We have always been passionate about the weather, but we have never been hysterical about the weather, and certainly we have never been afraid of the weather. But suddenly, that seems to be changing.

Now first, I thought this was a Toronto thing. Because when you move to Toronto you realize pretty quick that when it comes to the weather there are two parallel universes. There's what you hear about in the media, and then there's what you see out your window. You can wake up and turn on the news and you can see a lead story about a snow storm that slammed the city, how there were three-hundred accidents between 5 and 9 AM, how no flights took off. And the reporter on the scene is so panicked he sounds like he's reporting live from the bottom of a collapsed mine shaft. And you think, "Oh my God, I had no idea, those poor people." But then you realize: hang on, I'm in Toronto, then you look out the window, there's three centimetres of snow on the ground and the kid across the street is walking his dog in his T-shirt. And you realize, there was no snow storm. There was no weather bomb. There were flurries. And then, it got windy and then the entire city ground to a halt.

It's why I invented the word "Torontarded." Good word, comes in handy, believe me. But before the rest of the country gets all cocky, know this: weather hysteria is spreading across this nation like some sort of demented low pressure system.

We don't have forecasts anymore - we have weathertainment. And it's all designed to scare the hell out of you. Cold weather and snow is now reported like a plague of locusts or raining frogs. Problem is, it's not a sign of a coming apocalypse – it's just business as usual in Canada. But tell that to the crowd at the Weather Network. You listen to them for five minutes, you wouldn't leave the house for five months.

This is the true north strong and free, and cold, and wet, and icy, and dark – sometimes all at once. It's why God invented long johns. This is Canada. We have winter. Life sucks, get a toque. And embrace it.

cheesy! i know

2007-12-02T22:58:00.000-05:00

I don't post forever, then twice in a day? What is that about? I couldn't help myself. I was working on a project that took a little longer than I anticipated, so I spent a little extra time surfing. My blog friend Farah had been tagged by her friend Katie, and i couldn't resist. I am a sucker for lists - ones I create or created by others. Embarrasssing to admit, but I love to fill out forms. Maybe it's part of my OCD but I LOVE filling out forms. Their organization is a thing of beauty to me. SO, when I saw the following, I was compelled to cut and paste. With no further ado, here we go...

Four jobs I have held in life:

Maintenance at a Nuclear Energy production plant
Lobster fisherman
Stockroom at Accelerated Christian Education Warehouse
Waitress

Four movies I have watched more than once:

The Mummy
Princess Bride
Dodgeball
Raiders of the Lost Ark

Four Places I have Lived
Cape Breton Island, NS, Canada
Long Island
Detroit
Washington DC

Four of my favorite foods:

Lobster
Homemade mac n cheese
REAL NY pizza
Bread in any of it's incarnations - right Amber?

Four places I would rather be:

England - see my last blog : )
NY
at my Nanny's (my grandmother - not the other kind of nanny)
Egypt

Four hobbies I engage in regularly:
Reading
Movies
Cooking
Eating

if you've read this, you've been tagged. : )

funny to me

2007-12-02T17:43:00.000-05:00

I love the BBC. I love BBCA America. I'm am so enamored by all things British, I dream of opening a used bookstore in some obscure little hamlet like Twice Brewed some day. (It's a real place) Honestly, I wouldnd't be surprised to someday be on the mission field there. Now, since most of you who are reading this know me & my family, let me be very clear - I HAVE NO IMMEDIATE PLANS. I'm thinking way down the line - there are no resumes posted - I don't even have a passport.

That being said, I thought I'd share a clip form one of my favorite shows on BBC - Extras. Ricky Gervais - the guy who is not Sir Ian Mc Kellan in the clip - is the creator of The Office. So, you know he's funny.

So, please to enjoy.

insomnia & gratitude

2007-11-29T11:22:00.000-05:00

So I'm back to not sleeping again. I can't fall asleep, then when I finally do, it isn't for long. Or worse yet, my stupid nightmares come back. Dr. L adjusted my meds - first time since radiation ended - so hopefully, it'll get better soon.

Sometimes, the insomnia a good thing. I've sorted through some family issues, prayed for all of you, especially my pregger friends, planned what I'll pack on my trip home for Christmas, and written about 20 blogs in my head. I've reviewed what I'm thankful for - inspired by many of your lists : ) - been ashamed of things I've put off improving, and renewed my determination to stick to WW points.

Sometimes it's not so good. I have re-acquainted myself with my hatred of all things financial, plotted ninja attacks on my B-I-L who has done almost irreperable emotional damage to my sister and their kids, worried about the things my kids are exposed too, dwelt on my shortcomings as a wife, mother, pastor's wife, employee... all the things that in the light of day I keep in perspective, but at 3:26 a.m. is an abyss I slide into. Thank God the sun comes up around 7.

I have Ambien, but, even though - according to the manufacturer - it's non-habit forming - it's not how I want to fall asleep every night. Whether my body would depend on it, my mind would, and that's the part I can't get to sleep. No problem with a tired sleepy body, it's my mind I can't get to shut off. Any way, enough whining. I think I'll work on getting some of those 20 odd blogs out of Drafts.

home again, home again, jiggity-jig

2007-11-14T16:56:00.000-05:00

Okay. I'm back.

After a week in Dante's Seventh level of Hell, it is so good to be home in the land of wall to wall people, over priced housing, plethoric traffic, inordinate bureaucracy - furiously fast-paced Northern Virginia. I spent the week at my sister's house - a place that would mortify her and horrify you if I described. In the event she should ever discover my blog, I will not elaborate beyond the words "kitty litter, wheelbarrow and the woods". My apologies to Druids, hippies and Vice President Gore acolytes everywhere.

off the grid

2007-11-05T21:00:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since I've posted and know many of you are not sleeping at night as a result. I'm sorry. I've got a lot of family issues right now - feel more like a fireman than my job title of Ministry Assistant. I'll be back after I put out fires at my sisters house in Michigan - I enjoy catching up on your blogs even if I'm not commenting. So, keep up the writing - you're a pleasant diversion.

what lies beneath

2007-10-18T14:22:00.000-04:00

My younger sister is going through a hideous divorce that has become Jerry Springer worthy in the past couple of weeks. It started out just Lifetime movie worthy, but my brother in law has developed the super power of transforming himself into "White Trash Man" so it's escalated to a whole new level.

It's gotten me thinking about why my marriage has survived all these years. Not just survived, but thrived. Both my husband and my brother in law were raised by decent, hard working people who loved God and their family. In fact, both my sister and I met our husbands in church. They did half their dating at our house. My husband actually married them. The strange thing is that the guy she's divorcing is so far from being the guy she married. That guy was gentle and kind, thoughtful, helped with the house work, remembered birthdays, anniversaries, & tolerated her evil cat that hated everyone but her. This guy stood up his daughters - who waited an HOUR for him on their front steps thank you - only to show up at the event with his most recent girlfriend. This guy has done things that sound like they're torn from a National Enquirer headline.

The whole situation is difficult to grasp, but it's also a cautionary tale for the rest of us. He didn't wake up one morning, transformed during the night into Bizarro Husband. It was a series of choices over the past several years that have brought him to this point. The impact of those baby steps has taken him away from being the Original Husband and brought him to this place. The Butterfly Effect. A ripple in a pond. The clichés are obvious. There are so many deep, philosophical tangents this post could go. But, honestly, I'm not up to it. I don't need to go off into an existential rant on the impact of personal choice and the effect on everyone your life touches.

I've been struck lately by the current societal trend of a general lack of personal responsibilty. Nothing is our fault. Celebrities get away with DUI's, racist rants, and worse. "It's the papparazi." "There was no one to tell them "No"." "No one helped them set boundaries" "Fame was too much." Everyone has an excuse - it's just that most of us don't get the press coverage.

I think the bottom line is for us all to remeber to guard our hearts. Nobody plans to be a chain smoker or an alchoholic - or a serial adulterer. But, it doesn't just happen. My Pastor warns us not to let a foothold become a stronghold. Don't take for granted if your marriage is "working" or that you're in a "good place" today. It's a lot of work. A lot of work. But it's so worth it. It's those little choices, every day, that little drift in your conscience that make all the differnce.

I have this poem in a folder on my desktop entitled "for my funeral". I'm not morbid, and believe me, I have no immediate plans, but this my favorite e.e. cummings poem. I am not romantic - that would be Roy's gift - not mine - but this poem is perfect to me.

I carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root, and the bud of the bud, and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

~ e.e. cummings

you remember it's a dog, right?

2007-10-17T10:59:00.000-04:00

I've been out of the loop for awhile - we had 2 weeks of fun with friends from out of town, and I have had a hard time putting together coherent thoughts worth blogging. So, I dusted off a draft that's been sitting around for a couple of months, polished the turd, and here it is for your reading pleasure.

Don't get me wrong - I love my dogs. Yes dogs - thanks to my husbands' previously undiagnosed mental illness, we have two. Took me 15 YEARS to talk him into the first one, 6 months later, we have a second. But, that's a blog for another day. My problem is with people who forget they are pets, not family. Again, don't get me wrong - grooming for my dogs costs more than my hair cuts, and they sleep on my bed. They enjoy treats, have sassy, color coordinated collars and leashes. But they are pets. My wonderful sister was here a few weeks ago with her dogs - a Greyhound and an Italian Greyhound. The full size greyhound was great. The little one, although not mean, does not know he is a dog. I'm not sure my sister remembers either. We've talked about it, and it's become a bit of a family joke. Now she's pregnant with her first child, and I am fascinated to see how this will develop and her dog has to take second place to the child. Really. This is going to be a change of Biblical proportions. It's actually quite funny. I'm the oldest sister and had kids first, so, obviously, I got to make all the parenting decisions & mistakes first. Now, I get to watch the circus from the stands instaed of being in the center ring. Not that I'm anywhere nearly done - my girls are teens so I'm about to catapult into that madness - but it's interesting to watch.

what is that feeling?

2007-09-24T22:41:00.000-04:00

What the heck? I have that "It's about to happen any moment" kind of feeling and I don't know why. I keep waiting. And waiting. It's annoying. It feels like something significant is just ahead. Not necesarily to me personally, but something that will significantly impact my life. Like I can see the outline in my peripheral vision. Like I should see the signs and be able to put the pieces together, but I'm not quite there yet. It's not really an ominous feeling. I'm not nervous about it. And still, the feeling persists. It's out there. Can't say I wasn't warned. : )

audio prozac

2007-09-24T22:01:00.000-04:00

I'm in love with an Old Navy sweater commercial. Actually, I'm kind of indifferent towards the sweaters, and it filled with attractive women, not many guys, so whatever, what I really love is the song. It's Ingrid Michaelson's The Way I Am. It makes me smile every time I hear it. James Taylor has the same effect. When PMS is particularly heinous Roy discreetly pops in a James Taylor CD, a few minutes, a little "Sweet Baby James" and "In my Mind I'm Gone to Carolina". "The Way I Am" is my current audio prozac. It's simple, kinda light & artsy, and it's wonderful. It's one of those songs that I can honestly say I really like the words and the music. Usually you get one or the other. Check out Girls and Boys. It's a great CD.

good day to you

2007-09-16T15:49:00.000-04:00

Yesterday turned out to be a really good day. Not that I was expecting anything unpleasant or for it to be a bad day - I really didn't have expectations at all. It just turned out to be a good day. Why is that post-worthy? I'm glad you asked. : ) I guess it's really not. But I'm posting it any way. I spent the morning at a mini seminar at church, and spent the afternoon at a cheesy community festival, second in lame-ness only to the last parade I went to in my hometown that was made up of 4 cars, a fire engine, the homeliest Festival Queen outside the Far Side, and a terrifyingly enthusiastic clown pelting bystanders with Jolly Ranchers. But you know what? The day - and the festival - was great. We went to dinner with the same friends who had invited us to the "festival" & we had a nice, relaxing time. My girls were at an all day event with friends, so R & I got to just be a couple all day. That doesn't happen often.

The people-watching alone was worth the trip. Any time you're feeling low, take a few minutes to be utterly shallow and look around. You are not "the fattest/worst haired/worst parent/pet owner...(insert current guilt/struggle here). You'll feel so much better. Then tell Jesus you're sorry & blame me for being a bad influence. Plus there was free ice cream and free cotton candy. They could have been playing accordian music full blast and it still would have been great. Seriously - free ice cream AND free cotton candy? What magical land is this?

There really wasn't anything outstanding about the day - (besides the free diabetic-coma-worthy snacks) The seminar was informative, the festival cheesy, but we were with good friends and the weather was perfect. We finished it off with great food at a nice restaurant. Nothing spectacular, but it was a really good day. Hope you get to have your own version of yesterday really soon.

sigh

2007-09-07T15:55:00.000-04:00

This post has been difficult to write. I've actually been trying to compose it for days and have re-written it anout 12 times. The anonymity of my blog is limited b/c most of my "fan base" (hee hee) okay, readers, are my friends.

I let down a friend last week & I feel really lousy about it. Don't get me wrong, she's a good friend and I know she isn't upset - I know she still loves me : ) - but still, I hate this feeling. It was one of those times where I had to choose between my husband and my friend. Hmmm. It's brought up the whole issue of friendships between my husband & me. As a Pastor's wife, I have many friends, yet very few friends, know what I mean? Fewer still for him. It's complicated and wierd. Kinda like being the proverbial pretty girl that no one asks out 'cause everyone thinks she's busy or too cool for them, but sub "busy and holy" for "pretty and cool." : ) Most of the time, (ceratinly not always) if someone invites us out or over, they need to talk to my hubby about something. "My (wife, daughter, son, boss, mail man, gynocologist, dog walker) is driving me crazy!" Or, "So I have this friend, right?..." I really don't mind - I accepted it a long time ago. It's in the job decsription somewhere. The hard part is, in ministry, I'm out of practice of having real friends. It's also part of the job description. You construct a tidy little fence around your family, and guard it with all your might. Like in every profession, there are things about ministry you just don't "get" unless you are a pastor or pastor's wife. As an added bonus, every unguarded word & stupid thing you do is up for scrutiny. That is not a completely unreasonable thing for people to expect. With leadership comes responsibility. All that to say, it's hard to be relaxed and have genuine friendships because you can never be yourself completely. I am SO grateful I married my best friend or I'd have lost my mind a long time ago. Every stupid, and I have some doozies, thing I have said or done, R has witnessed or had relayed to him in living color. And he's okay with that. He knew what he was getting when he married me, and he knows I almost didn't marry him because I didn't want to be a "Pastor's Wife". I so don't fit the profile. But again, that's why he picked me. Bottom line, my friend, I'm sorry I pooped out on plans with short notice. You are a good friend and you deserve better. Again, I know you are over it, and think I am ridiculous for blogging it, but it's important to me to make it right.

This post is rambling and ridiculous, and I'm pretty sure I'll delete it shortly after I post it, but what the heck. It's post it or dump it. I don't want to see this draft again.

what just happened here?

2007-09-04T18:22:00.000-04:00

My kids went back to school today. So did the rest of Fairfax, I know, but my kids going back is important because they are my kids. One daughter started High School - ugh! - and the other started Middle School. Naturally it got me thinking of my own High School and Jr. High experience. We went from being the average Catholic family in a very - almost exclusively - Catholic community to be being ultra conservative Christians. No more movies, rock music, and don't even think about school dances. Can you say awkward? How about outcast? I don't blame my parents for how much I hated those years - at least not any more. Rather than stand up for what I believed - none of those rules incidentally - I chose to blame my parents. The fundamentals of what they believed, God as Creator, Savior, and the promise of a home in heaven based on my faith in Christ not on the "good" I could do, were and still are, real to me. It was just the other "stuff" that I had a hard time with. And it's also when I lost my mom. She's not dead, don't get me wrong - she just completely immersed herself in this new faith, and my Mom disappeared. I still had my mother -she did the laundry, meals, booked dentist appointments, but my Mom was gone. Vanished. Almost overnight. I used to come home from school and stand in the kitchen and talk about the inane details of my day, things I'm sure were ridiculous to her, but she made me think they were important. Suddenly every conversation carried immense weight. It all revolved around the Bible and what kind of witness I had been that day. This was at a time that I - arguably - needed her more than ever. I was a teen for crying out loud. I needed my Mom, not just a mother. It's a huge difference. I am determined it will be different for my girls. We've done "Best Thing/Worst Thing" since my oldest was in K-5. It's an easy way to start a conversation and find out how the day went even on days there isn't much to say. Believe me, there have been lots of days where the answer was Lunch/Math - always in that order.

I know I am old and not cool anymore - like I ever was - and I have the power to punish : ), but I want my kids to know they can talk to me about anything. Seriously. I know I am naieve and there are things I won't know until their kids tell on them, but it's important to try. It's also where people like my friend Ber come in. It's good to know they can ask her things they're too emabarrased to ask me, and know she'll not only give sound advice, but protect their confidence unless they're in danger.

Right now, I'm the old lady among a lot of my friends, and I hope we're a good example. Not that I think for a minute I've got it figured out or we don't embarrass ourselves on a regular basis, but I hope that at least somewhere along the way, they see us and think, "I look forward to that". My oldest told me this afternoon her French teacher toatlly mumbles, she had lunch with Jenny today but won't tomorrow because her lunch period changes like, everyday, a kid in her French class and his dad got stopped by a motorcycle cop on her way home from school and the boy looked like he wanted to cry, she has PE first period - "oh MY GOSH - so Gross Mom", and she saw Lauren today but only said "Hey" because it was kinda wierd and so they didn't stop to talk. Best thing? Lunch. Worst thing? There wasn't one, but it would have been Math if she had Math today. Anything interesting in that list to you? Me neither. Isn't it awesome?

crazy techs and lemon juice

2007-08-30T14:41:00.000-04:00

I had a sialogram this morning. Never had one? They're awesome. First you need 3 bouts with parotitis(mumps) collapsed salivary glands and a deflated duct. Sounds good already doesn't it? Add a scraped fender (my fault) in the parking lot, an hour and a half wait in 3, count 'em 3 different waiting rooms, and a tech that chats you up by telling you how much he hates A. Women (we're all hormonal and crazy, that's why the psych ward is full) B. Religious people (especially Christians 'cause they're so damn preachy and steal old people's money) and 3. Immigrants (learn the language). We have a winner! It's all the makings for a craptastic kind of day. All that's missing is a surprise visit from my MIL then I could die with my life complete. The procedure itself is a hoot. You lie on your back and slide until your head is hanging off the exam table. Then they insert a tiny metal rod into your salivary duct. For someone like me, that's tricky 'cause it's collapsed. So you get syringes of Real Lemon concentrate squirted into the duct. Then they probe and probe until, get this, they mimic the pain of the parotitis! "Does that hurt enough? Does that feel like it? Am I in a good spot?" If nothing else, it's given me greater compassion for my friends battling infertility. Huh? What? Well, I don't know a lot about IVF, although I'm quite confident no one is squirting lemon juice in their hoohas. They do however, spend insane amounts of time in crappy waiting rooms with magazines from the Reagan era, lab techs who treat them as another patient instaed of a person, and have other, non-citrus unmentionable fluids squirted in and around them. >: ) I'm inspired to pray more faithfully when they have even a routine check. And now, I'm going to go watch crappy daytime with Sophie - somehow that's very theraputic today.

active or passive

2007-08-29T09:52:00.000-04:00

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon

This has been a weird year. I have been in a funk for awhile. Not really depressed, not really lonely, just a little lost. In fact, I feel like I haven't actively participated in my own life. I am just now realizing how pervasively cancer took over my life. Maybe because I (literally) could not think clearly when I was in the middle of treatment, there are so many things that happened in my life that I was there for, but don't really remember. There's a great story about me lost in a fog at Safeway over choosing flowers for my friend Jill. Or like re-financing my house. I remember sitting in Shawn's office, but God as my witness, I didn't know what my mortgage was until a few months ago when I checked back in and asked. What an unpleasant surprise that was.

It feels like a cop out to blame it all on the cancer. Spend 15 minutes on the 9th floor at Fairfax Hospital, and you'll see why I can say without false humility or trying to portray myself as a martyr that I have NOTHING to complain about. I didn't have chemo so I didn't lose my hair, I wasn't constantly nauseous, and my radiation was far less invasive than most. I had complete freedom at work as far as sick leave, and was never once made to feel like I was taking advantage if I left work early when I felt bad. Those of you who know me understand and believe when I say my husband was amazing throughout it all. He's the person everyone wants around when there's a crisis. He's human Prozac. Nothing fazes him, nothing offends. My girls were patient and understanding and made me endless cups of tea. So why am I complaining? I guess I'm just now processing the whole ordeal. It's bizarre. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I live an ordinary life and something as out of the ordinary as cancer has no place in it. Not because I "don't deserve it". I've never once felt "Why me God?" Honestly, why not me? If we all got what we deserved, we'd all be in trouble now wouldn't we? It's just too big a deal to fit into my suburban, PTA mom world.

All that to say I need to get my house back in order - literally and figuratively. I neglect my housework somewhat during the summer b/c it's too nice out to be inside cleaning. It's nothing a rainy Saturday (or houseguests coming) wouldn't fix. I'm back on points, (hello Weight Watchers), back on my elliptical, started attending (ok I've only gone 1 week, but it's at the butt crack of dawn so I want credit) an early morning small group Bible study to get my spiritual house back in order. We put ourselves on a budget that will get us out of debt (except our house - welcome to northern VA) in 5 years. I think getting structure back into my life will help me feel connected again. This is going to be a good year.